Dice
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Dice control the world. They are the preferred tools of God. It is known that God threw down two dice to form the universe. God rolled an 8, establishing his point, then he rolled a 7, creating the universe that you live in. These dice are believed to be made from the third table leg of gods dinner set. Cut to shape whilst bored one day, when added together the numbers of the sacredeth dice form the number 42. God then castesh these dice. The dice hitteth together with such force, that they hit his light switch and turned it on, and then there was light, and god saw that it was good. This was also the first appearence of the D6, until this point only the D3 existed. God created the D6 after smashing his fith lampshade trying to get the D3 to roll.
God's playing of dice is indirectly enforced through the important decision-makers who rely on rolling dice to determine their next course of action. Though it is publicly denied, it is generally recognized in political backrooms across the world that every significant political decision of the last 150 years have been determined by late-night dice-rolling sessions.
Until the 1960's, standard 6-sided dice were used for most important decisions. However, with the rise in popularity of the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game, a larger variety of dice became involved in the political process, and have become a symbol of status and government power.
The United States of America, for instance, will not use any dice with fewer than 20 sides, unless the decisions are being made in Las Vegas at a casino or at the Pentagon. On the original Pentagon 5-sided die, traditionally used to choose which country the US will invade next, the five sides represent the five sides to every story in US history: our side, their side, the United Nations position, Al Jazeera's side and the truth.
Smaller countries are often forced to make do with 'lesser' dice; Uruguay, for instance, has been using the same 4-sided die since 1933. The preferred dice in deNile are pyramidal, modelled on those originally constructed in Egypt by Alfred Ponzi in 666 BC.
- "In Soviet Russia, dice roll YOU!!" — Anon.
- "I count back and roll the dice" - former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, Meech Lake, Québec before rolling snake eyes.
- "Roll 'em!" - passengers of doomed 9/11 plane in Pennsyltucky, before attacking the cockpit door with an airline "Coffee, tea, or me?" cart.
- "Let's roll!" - various 9/11 knockoffs ever since
- "Einstein would roll over in his grave; not only does God play dice, the dice are loaded." - Al Gore
- "Clack-a-lack, roll that shit!" - Oscar Wilde
Plural vs. singular[edit | edit source]
Dice is only plural, but it's often used by people as singular due to the fact that they're terrified of saying the word die because of it's association with death.
See also[edit | edit source]
Antropomorphing ~ Astrology ~ Astronomy ~ Ball gazing ~ Clairvoyance ~ Confucius ~ Dice ~ Fortune cookies ~ Horoscopes ~ Illuminati ~ Jacques Attali ~ Knowing ~ Magic 8-Ball ~ Magic Decoder Ring ~ Miss Cleo ~ Necromancy ~ Nostradamus ~ Occult ~ Palmistry ~ Phrenology ~ Prayer ~ Prophecy ~ Psychic ~ Scatomancy ~ Sun Tzu ~ Tarot ~ Telepathy ~ Zodiac