Mikhail Bakunin
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Mikhail Davidivanovladimiralexandrovjohnovich Bakunin was the leading Russian revolutionary of the 19th Century and the founding father of anarchism, his love-child with secret lover Karl Marx. One of the most famous of anarchists and a proponent of, guess what? Anarchy!
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Bakunin was born a poor, black-haired child in Poerwjgfilino, between Teorrewnrfjlsok and Kurjfdsinovo, except that he wasn't poor at all, and was to be named the youngest duke in Poerjsfhierino's history. Coming from a long line of monarchs, severe self-hatred and insecurity in his teenage years signaled an unwillingness to take control over his vast territory, but the people of Poe3ijrenfino wouldn't hear it, and demanded that he reign with an iron fist. He began to build landlord cooperatives and expropriate the land of the serfs, but when he realized that he cut off his iron fisted right hand, he replaced it with an animatronic one, and then disappeared into the shadows of the Crimnslfesea.
Pretender to the Throne[edit | edit source]
In 1832, when all of Russia was searching for Anastasia Kournikova, the captain of their tennis team and disappeared heir to a really big fortune, Bakunin reemerged to claim himself as the missing heiress. The Russian people were so overjoyed that they immediately instated him as Csar, or tzar, ummm, they immediately instated him as Head Honcho of all of Russia. But his crippling insecurities drove him mad, as he declared war on the United States beginning the Cold War, and jailed all of the Cossacks in Guantanamo Bay. When charges of torture were brought forth, Bakunin suddenly had a mood swing-inflicted change of heart, and famously declared "The only good government is dead government."
Back into Exile[edit | edit source]
He disappeared again, first into an undisclosed location, then into Mount Tora-Bora in the Afghan Alps, and finally getting a job as a rabbi in Prussia, a country that sounds like it's Russia, but it really isn't. A priest by the name of Karl Marx began to rail against Bakunin's teachings on Marx's AM radio show, which was quite popular throughout Europe at the time. Father Marx was furious that Rabbi Bakunin was leading a synogague, despite his goyishness and total lack of religion.
In 1844, Marx finally came upon Bakunin in a bar, and it was bearded love at first site. Marx at the time was leaving his priesthood over a spat with the Pope over his desire to marry Frankenstein Engels, a man-bride he had built in a Swiss laboratory. Publically, Bakunin and Marx remained rivals, as any relations would have thrown Engels into a jealous rage, but the two began to meet privately in the Pope's guestroom.
Anarchist in Action[edit | edit source]
By the 1850s, Bakunin was leader of an international movement known as anarchism, which called for the abolition of the state in favor of chaos, disarray and poverty. He became a prime expert in bombs, demanding that the only way anarchy could be brought into the world was with bombs as their midwife. His bombs were famous for their good-deed doing: one known as the "Emancipation Proclamation" brought about an end to slavery in the United States; another landed in St. Petersburg, ending serfdom; and a final one fell onto the lap of Ivan the Terrible, which didn't do much since he'd been dead for centuries.
His major theory was that God=the state and thus both churches and Houses of Parliament should be bombed. Other famous equations in philosophy include Being=Time by Heidegger, Christianity=Slave Morality by Nietzsche and People=Shit by Corey Taylor. His church bombings were a later inspiration for black metal.
While blowing up monuments and government buildings across merry old England he began to tell the citizens to prepare for November 5th "Remember, remember November!"
That next November, he was elected the Prime Minister of Wales, and again really gummed it up. In a desperate attempt to escape the shackles of power, he bombed himself out of the Prime Ministership. His use of dynamite sent a wake-up call through-out the spicy Mediterranean in what was known as the Latin Explosion of 1868.
Illness[edit | edit source]
Bakunin became ill soon after, as the free radicals in his body overcame the riot police cells. Bakunin never knew of this, but Marx biologically enginered, in 1870 to a child he would name Vladimir Lenin. In 1876, the father of both anarchism and the lead singer of Lenin & the Bolsheviki, disappeared. Some believe he returned as Kropotkin, while others believe his soul went into Papa Smurf.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Bakunin's anarchist teachings are prevalent throughout the world today. Successful anarchist experiments from Utopia to Neverland have proven the virtue of his words, and people still hate religion. He has been ressurected for the brillant show that is LOST. Y'know, Mikhail was the dude with the eye patch who never seemed to die, no matter how much crap you beat outta him. That is until he, well, died, killing the Hobbit.
Prostate[edit | edit source]
He has a prostate the size of a bowling ball.