Christianity
“They make great torches!”
Christianity (officially: Cretinism, Christardedness, and the Religion of Lord Krishna) is a monounsaturated religion whose followers believe that a cracker skinned Middle Eastern left-wing Jew called Jesus Christ was nailed to a cross two thousand years ago, and so everything is now going to be okay. Christianity would be much better without old testament which is full of violence written by Jews. Example of violence in old testament is circumcision which Jews insist to do even nowadays. Circumcision is a genital mutilation of babies and against human rights of babies because it is done for religious causes without any disease. Jewish circumcision is usually done in synagogues by mohels who suck blood of penises by their mouths. Interestingly, I'm somehow writing about the Jews on a page about cretins (a.k.a. Christians and Christards).
Allegedly started in the year 0, no one really knows if it is all bullshit or not, but it remains popular today because it is the only socially acceptable large-scale religion for Caucasians, and sometimes you get free bread and wine which they refer to as the body and blood of Christ. This is, of course, a heretical belief introduced by Pope John Paul I, well known as the first Vampire to be elected pope.
Worship involves praying to effigies to save you from Hell, eating Jesus's body and drinking his blood (and occasionally his semen as well); finding security in the fact that someone is watching you always, loves you, and is taking care of you, but will send you to burn in hell for all eternity if you disobey him once; believing that homosexuality between consenting adults is a sin on par with all others (yes, including that one) and routinely trying to get rid of the stereotype Catholics have given everyone else all the other various types of Christianity. In addition most Christians wear nice hats.
Christianity is ruled by the Pope, although many protestants think he is a fucking asshole. However, this is a common misconception started by renaissance historians who hadn't fully grasped proper word order yet.
History[edit | edit source]
Christians first came to public attention when the Romans discovered that feeding them to their lions provided not only great entertainment for the crowds, but also vital nutritional sustenance for the lions. Lions in the wild often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C (short for Christians). Christians contain essential vitamins and nutrients that help lions to maintain a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain. Vitamin C (derived from Christians) should not be confused with Vitamin A (derived from atheists). Contrary to popular belief, there is no evidence that lions who ingest atheists are better able to see the truth. "Finnah mess you up." (Leviticus 69:0.33)
It is said that if Christians ever evolve in a way that diminishes their Vitamin C content, then the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. However, Christians can evolve only by eating fruit from a tree in a Lost Garden. According to a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge. The leader of the Christian insurgency, God, strictly prohibits eating this fruit, as it would allow Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder.
The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians and they often follow in herds. Although Jesus did not invent the famed leaflets, he helped in the construction of a popular hat/crown. This behavior is not unlike the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the Virgin Mary, who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of tomato juice".
The Bible[edit | edit source]
The Christian Old testament part of Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torah, via the Egyptians who copied theirs from the Babylonian Torah written by Jews who fabricated its fairy tales and violence. Prophets of all religions claimed that they were inspired by God although they were inspired by narcotics.
It is the story. The great story told all over the world, it has been told more times than all other stories. It is the story of God and Good versus Evil and the Devil. Opinions differ between atheists and Christians as to whether the story is about two people (where God = Good, and Devil = Evil) or four people (where God is separate from Good, and the Devil is separate from Evil). So a compromise was made, and it was decided that the story was about three people. Thus the Doctrine of the Trinity was created. The use of the Trinity remains popular with movie makers in such classics as The Matrix, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Watership Down.
The Old Testament or Torah was mostly copied from the Iraqis by an Egyptian named Aken Atan in an effort to convince everyone to worship him and not a load stone penises. He was also trying to help his brother Moses get laid, which failed, so Moses cut the end off his penis and left for the promised land.
Everything was going fine for the Romans until someone (possibly Jesus) suggested that maybe everyone should stop fucking everyone over so much. (This was disastrous for Rome because its economy was based on fucking everyone over.) As the Romans gradually all became Christian pussies and started acting all Christian, Rome gradually began to collapse.
A few years after Jesus was either walked upon England's mountains green, or did not, everyone agreed that something had happened to Rome. Although Jesus-haters claimed he just nicked it all from Buddha, his ideas of not fucking over thy fellow man were catching on and no one could deny it. Controlling God's Word and knowledge has always been pretty handy, so there have always been lots of different versions of the story floating about. Some containing wisdom, usually containing bullshit.
The Roman emperors were willing to put up with people worshiping fish, owls, or volcanoes so long as the Emperor was still the boss, but when things got so bad that Roman soldiers started cutting off their own balls for religious reasons something had to be done. What was left of the Roman Empire had a vote around AD 340 and decided that Jesus was a supernatural being after all. They buried the stories which said otherwise, and hid most of the stone penises. So that they could fuck things up thousands of years later, they merged the mythologies of loads of old religions into their new Christianity. That way one day they could claim there is no such thing as good because someone made up a story once.
When Rome finally ran out of people willing to kill for them, they moved the Roman Empire to the Vatican and hid in a church. The Bible was printed for distribution on a massive scale at Walmart to help spread peace and love on earth.
Christian ties to the Sith[edit | edit source]
Indigenous Christians have only six sources of knowledge: The Bible (a.k.a. Mein Kampf), Sesame Street, North Korea, Jupiter, Fox News, and Emperor Palpatine.[1] Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in any religion including Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council, the US Supreme Court (and the Even Supremer Court), and the United Nations.
The leader of the Christians Pope Benedict XVI, a.k.a. Pope Bendy-dick, controls all Catholics (most normal Christians find him kinda wack-o) from his base, the Vatican City. The Pope is infallible, or he can't be wrong.
He has used his position of power to help contribute to Republican rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroopers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the Galactic Empire of Africa.
Recently two Crusades have been commission in the Middle East, and Christian spies have instigated and backed blinded revolutions through out the East making it weak for a Crusader take over, The Republicans will then enslaved the heathens to strengthen the Galactic Empire and use the slaves to build Weapons of Mass Slavery to take over the Universe. This process has already begun, as women are forced to carry babies to term whether they consented to sleep with the father or not in certain U.S. states, on penalty of jail time. For babies are the slaves of the future, so more slaves are needed! There can never be too many slaves! The slaves must not be encouraged to think too much of themselves lest they seek freedom, so they must also sing self-deprecating hymns every Sunday and contribute a set portion of their income to the Sith Overlord Fund.
Denial[edit | edit source]
Most Christians deny the following acts or entities included in this blacklist.
- Evolution, it's just a theory!
- Allow themselves to act or feel like an animal.
- Muslims, which are their closely related principal enemies.
- Their children having their own minds.
- Have anything whatsoever to do with the Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, and Episcopalians.
- Mohammad, the source of archenemies like Antichrists.
- Gay people who are not members of clergy.
- Agree on one story and sticking to it.
- Steal pagan ideas, which are forms of damn acts.
- Kill and discriminate against followers of other religions.
- Morgan Freeman, for making us realize he would make a pretty good God.
- Global warming, an Antichrist-based event.
- Missing shots during church-league basketball games. (I bet a Jew would've made that free-throw.)
- Making lists of things they don't believe in.
- Suffer the complex of Christian persecution in America.
- Government laws, very clear principal enemies of the laws of God.
- Satan, the church's best friend.
- You need at least twenty bucks. No? Hell for you.
Practices[edit | edit source]
The Bible with its two parts, Old Testament and New Testament, supports numerous peaceful and God-worshiping practices such as:
Incest
“A father may stick his finger into his daughter to help prove she is a virgin, repeatedly.”
Sexism
“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.”
Not listening to rock music
“Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of information not presented through the Bible.”
Why Convert?
“Convert or we will kill you.”
Don't kill people
“Thou shalt not kill.”
Slavery
“Yes.”
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a good rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”
The Dark Side of the Force
“Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe.”
“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon – strike me down with all your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.”
“When a clone trooper’s master asks him to execute Order 66, this means that he may start killing every Jedi that he can.”
Homosexuality
“Thou shalt not tickle the chocolate starfish. Unless you're over 45 and a priest with Scouts experience.”
Sexual Intercourse
“Oh my God. Oh yea daddy, oh Jesus oh yea yea pull it out! God are you serious?”
Lion Chow blends[edit | edit source]
Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken), and – for those lions that are picky eaters or have nervous temperaments – Mormon Lion Chow (certified caffeine-free). Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veterinarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity of the carnivores, though generally less beneficial to the Christians.
There are also a number of cheaper but less popular blends available which are composed of sinful Christians, also called the Left Behind.
In sports and entertainment[edit | edit source]
Many pagans and atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "Colosseums" to accommodate the throngs of lion enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with bloodthirsty citizens.
In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the 700 Club Lions Club. However, this sport is still high and alive, except the lion has been replaced with Charles Darwin's Pit bull.
Lawsuits[edit | edit source]
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVinci Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVinci Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.
Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made from only the finest cuts of litigator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage of 1986.
Reflex[edit | edit source]
Nowadays Jesus (Cheesus) is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "JESUS" The origin of this can be traced to Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend says the Spanish church had a dog named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dog's name correctly that they would often bear wittiness to Priests yelling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church. Because contradictions are alright in Christianity, this is also a sin, unless watching the Detroit Lions play (Levitivitiviticus 69:.033). It is also due to the part of our brain which predisposes us toward Christianity. As they Bible says "... Therefore, thee who do not hold the strength of the Holy Spirit (the brain) are impaired, or according to Our Lord 'straight up retarded'."
BEWARE![edit | edit source]
When approaching Christians, they believe every Christian is sexy. (They don't believe in the Specsavers' Prophecy – it's blasphemy.)
See also[edit | edit source]
- Jesus
- Pope Benedict
- Virgin Mary
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Masochristian
- Are you a heretic
- Hitler
- The Last Poker
- ↑ The aforementioned articles may contain user-generated content that some may deem offensive and objectionable. Uncyclopedia, the Uncyclomedia Foundation, and our partners are not responsible for the content posted therein.
- ↑ The views expressed within the aforementioned articles reflect the views of the author or invented narrator and do not necessarily reflect the views of Uncyclopedia, the Uncyclomedia Foundation, or our partners.
External links[edit | edit source]
- Christian accomplishments
- Help You Find A church
- Google generated profile of "Christians"
- Find a lion church in the United States
- Join prayer groups, view the Bible, and search churches
- Videos of typical Christian
- Great example of Christianity
- ↑ Even Though Palpatine is the devil!