Totally Torah: Genesis
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“I’ve never read the Bible but I’ve heard it’s a Good Book.”
“Bronze Age myth to live your life by.”
Want to lead a pious life but finding it hard?
Too many holy Joes at Temple?
Too little time to read the Bible?
No problem, Isaac Asimov's Abridged Classics brings you:
"Totally Torah – a ten-minute guide to God's Word."
Genesis[edit | edit source]
Chapters 1–11[edit | edit source]
• Bored God creates world full of animals.
• Creates zoo-keeper to muck-out Eden.
• Congratulates Himself on "Good" job.
• Zoo-keeper bored.
• Eve created – Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.
• Refusal of three-way leads to snake's tempting Eve to sample forbidden fruit that God forgot to not create.
• Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.
• Cain and Abel born.
• God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.
• Seth born as replacement-Abel.
• Human race grows through unexplained incest.
• God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.
• Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.
• Noah surprised when dove-nav leads to mountain-crash.
• Kids move out as Noah takes to drink and naturism.
• Overconfidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.
Chapters 11–25[edit | edit source]
• Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.
• Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.
• Abram's army conquers city when Sodomite garrison seem strangely un-warlike.
• Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.
• Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.
• Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.
• Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.
• Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.
• Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.
• Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.
• Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah.
Chapters 25–50[edit | edit source]
• Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.
• Esau becomes hunter.
• Jacob engineers leveraged buyout of family business with mess of pottage.
• Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur coat.
• Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records "Stairway to Heaven" en route.
• Jacob attempts marriage with Cousin Rachel. Fat, older sister intervenes.
• Chubby-chasing Jacob sets up world's first Mormon commune and begins enthusiastic breeding with both sisters and maids.
• Jacob plans reconciliation with his brother. Returns to Canaan.
• Becomes WWF champion of Israel following defeat of Jabbok in all night, man-on-man wrestling competition.
• Rape of Dinah punished with genital mutilation of Edomites.
• Sentence review leads to imposition of capital punishment.
• Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.
• Becomes Prophet following mushroom trip; hoards food following attack of "munchies".
• Joseph's brothers seek food stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.
• Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.
• Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.
• Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.
See also[edit | edit source]
