Musician

Not a musician, but I'd do that. Hell yeah.

A musician is the name given to someone who plays a musical instrument to a reasonable standard. For other references on sound producing people, see the article on "singers", drummers or "producers" (electronic music). They are, most notably, known for their deceptively alluring mating calls (known as music). They are, for the most part, vicious, egotistical and shallow, and should be approached with extreme caution, and only by those with proper training.

Records[edit | edit source]

Hell, I'd do these guys too. Mmm.

Recently, an illegal substance known as records has begun appearing throughout the world. Records are powerful drugs, and affect the hearing of a person doing them, producing the illusion that of a musician's mating call. Albums is popular slang for records. CD's are the main ingredient in most drug ex. heroine etc.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Musician.

The International Society of Prohibited Things passed a law on the 5th of July, 1989, stating that records were dangerous and addictive, and therefore prohibited them under pain of being strung up by the town hall and having children throwing horse dung at you. Yeech.

Defining Traits of Musician[edit | edit source]

Kurt is having some surprise buttsecks.

Musicians are herd animals, and a lone musician is therefore unpredictable, irritable and extremely dangerous. By no means should a lone musician be approached, lest the animal has been tranquilized (experiments dictate substances such as cocaine, Mary-Jane and Booze are especially useful).

Lone musicians are thankfully rare, however. Most often a musician can be seen with his or her herd. The technical term for such a gathering is a band. Bands can range from any size between two to seven musicians (although much larger groups have been reported. These large groups are known as orchestras). The most common band size is three. Typically a strict hierarchy is apparent within a band, each position within the hierarchy clearly denoted by the instrument the individual carries; most notably, the guitar, the bass guitar and the drums. Most typically, musicians singing or playing guitars are the alphas within the band (also known as band nazis). Bass guitar playing musicians are typically the betas, while drum-playing musicians are often the omegas, being the laughing stock of the band because of their big noses or general looks of a chicken on drugs. This is apparent in the way they are often confined to sit behind a big drum set.

While their instruments are the most defining trait of a musician, their cool hair-dos, hip clothing and Converse shoes are also unique to musicians.

Fans[edit | edit source]

Alice Cooper would like you to see his tiny bible. And probably some other things. Which may or may not be tiny.

Many bands have so-called fans. Fans are most likely essential to the survival of the band in question; without fans, a band eventually scatters and the individual musicians turn into scavengers. Fans serve as a many-faceted source of benefit for the bands: they supply the band with a steady income from buying the records they produce, and furthermore provide the musicians with a close to unending store of fresh meat, should just booze and drugs not satisfy the musicians.

The fans are generally people who are allured by both the band's mating calls, and the natural pheromones that musicians send out. These pheromones' scientific name is sex appeal. As of now, scientists are mystified as to just why this sex appeal seems to affect certain people so strongly. Most fans want "their horn" tooted by the musicians.

References[edit | edit source]

• LSD-induced fantasies.
• The hollow, disembodied voice of Princess Diana in my head.
• I could continue trying to be funny, but I won't. Bye now.