Road to Utopia (1945)

Bob Hope: Chester Hooton

Quotes 

• [Duke loses a talent show to a trained monkey] 

  Chester Hooton : [to Duke]  Next time I bring Sinatra.

• Chester Hooton : As far as I'm concerned, this picture's over right now.

• Chester Hooton : Am I dead?

  Duke : I can't tell, you always look that way.

• Sal Van Hoyden : Don't be facetious!

  Chester Hooton : [confused]  Oh, keep politics out of this!

• Chester Hooton : You've been leading me by the nose, chiseling me, right and left.

  Duke Johnson : Me? Chiseling you?

  Chester Hooton : You chiseling me. I got a record of every chizz.

• Chester Hooton : How 'bout Kansas City? You picked my pocket of 75 bucks so you could take Mabel Bronschweiger out ridin' in a buggy.

  Duke Johnson : Ah, Mabel Bronschweiger. Ah, lady blacksmith. She was your girl.

  Chester Hooton : My girl.

  Duke Johnson : What a right hand.

  [forms a fist, moves it up and down] 

  Chester Hooton : I sat in the hotel lobby for four hours while you took her for a ride in the woods.

  Duke Johnson : Well, what do you care. As long as she was out in the fresh air.

• [Chester has the hiccups] 

  Duke : Can't you suppress it somehow?

  Chester Hooton : Frighten me.

  Duke : I can't, I haven't got a mirror.

• Duke : Experience is the best teacher.

  Chester Hooton : Oh, experience is the best teacher, huh?

  Duke : Naturally, and I'm a Ph.D.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah, a pin-headed dope.

• Chester Hooton : I'll have a lemonade.

  [sees looks of surprise, snarls] 

  Chester Hooton : In a dirty glass.

• Chester Hooton : Everything is cold! My nose is an iceberg.

  Duke : Iceberg? That's a glacier.

• [driving around the Klondike] 

  Chester Hooton : Hey, get a load of that bread and butter!

  Duke : Bread and butter? That's a mountain!

  [it's the Paramount Pictures mountain] 

  Chester Hooton : Maybe a mountain to you, but it's bread and butter to me!

• Sal Van Hoyden : Duke, tell us all about Alaska. We left you for dead. How in the world did you ever get away?

  Duke Johnson : It's rather a long story. I wouldn't want to bore you.

  Chester Hooton : It's never stopped you before!

• Duke Johnson : Smart guys us. We're a couple of pigeons.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah. A dame hits us twice with those big moose eyes and, right away, we start giving away gold mines.

  Duke Johnson : If we get that map back, I'm brushing dames off forever.

  Chester Hooton : Ah, they're poison. They run their fingers through your hair, play with your ear, roll you, clip you, then they throw you in the gutter. And you know what's worse than that?

  Duke Johnson : What?

  Chester Hooton : I love it.

• Chester Hooton : My colleague.

  Duke Johnson : My crony.

  Chester Hooton : My cohort.

  Duke Johnson : My friend!

  Chester Hooton : Companion.

  Duke Johnson : Confederate.

  Chester Hooton : Chums to the end.

  Duke Johnson : LIke meat and potatoes.

  Chester Hooton : Or salt and tomatoes.

  Duke Johnson , Chester Hooton : [singing]  Boy, what a blend...

• Duke Johnson : Imagine a girl lovin' a guy that much.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah. I'm not worth it. I'm a regular Casablanca.

  Duke Johnson : Casanova!

• Chester Hooton : If those two butchers ever get off that boat, we'll wind up hamburger, blood-rare.

• Duke Johnson : Scat, sad sack. Go on, scat.

  Chester Hooton : Beat it.

• Chester Hooton : Yeah? Well, I ain't afraid to die. I just hate being killed, that's all.

• Duke : Chester, you'd better face it - the cards say "Alaska!"

  Chester Hooton : No wonder - it's a cold deck!

• Chester Hooton : If those hoodlums ever get off that boat, we'll be smiling ear to ear... with our throats!

• Chester Hooton : [Bing Crosby walks on screen in the framing story and Bob turns to the camera]  And I thought this was going to be an A picture.

• Sal Van Hoyden : Come along, Pa, it's 8 o'clock.

  Chester Hooton : I'm not a child. I know when it's time to go to bed.

  Sal Van Hoyden : Pa!

  Chester Hooton : It's time.

  Sal Van Hoyden : Come on, Pa. Come on.

  Chester Hooton : Oh, but Ma, Doc says I can stay up till half past.

  Sal Van Hoyden : I know, but by the time we get your ears washed and your teeth put away...

• Duke Johnson , Chester Hooton : [singing]  But here's the funniest part, Down deep in his heart, He's the lonesomest man in town.

• Duke Johnson : Girls, the Hootons and I have a few things to discuss. If you'll run along, Uncle will meet you later at the club.

  [girls leave] 

  Chester Hooton : Nice goin', ''Uncle.'' Nice family tree and - the limbs ain't bad either.

• Duke Johnson : Didn't I front for you in Oklahoma?

  Chester Hooton : Hilda, the oilman's daughter?

  Duke Johnson : Sent you in there.

  Chester Hooton : Was she born or did they have to drill for her?

• Duke Johnson : Laugh!

  Chester Hooton : Ha, ha, ha.

  Duke Johnson : Dance! Play the fool!

• Chester Hooton : That boat sails in 20 minutes.

  Duke Johnson : Let it sail.

  Chester Hooton : Look, mastermind, the tour is over!. We've been posse-baitin' every town from coast to coast. And we just ran out of towns.

• Chester Hooton : Alaska? In case you haven't heard, it's so cold up there. It's so cold if you shake hands with somebody, they just take it and throw it away.

  Duke Johnson : It's Utopia. Everybody's gettin' some of that gold on 'em.

  Chester Hooton : I got all the gold I want right here in my teeth.

• Chester Hooton : I'm takin' my dough back to Brooklyn and opening a Turkish bath - with tables for ladies.

• Chester Hooton : You wanna go to Alaska and be a blubber-ball for a bunch of trained seals? Go ahead! I'm headin' home. I'll see ya.

• Chester Hooton : Why, you dirty rogue!

• Chester Hooton : I guess this is it.

  Duke Johnson : Hey, Ches, I never thought we'd end this way.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah and it's so *different* this time. I'm holdin' the dough and you're holdin' the bag. Gee, I never thought I'd have the biggest end.

  Duke Johnson : Oh, you've always had much the biggest end!

• Duke Johnson : Chester, we gotta be careful. This is a strange boat. There's a lot of crooks around.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah. You won't be lonesome.

  Duke Johnson : You know way down underneath I'm honest.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah, but on top, you're a rat.

• Chester Hooton : I don't want to go to Alaska. It's cold! It's cold up there! It's icicles, popsicles, Eskimo pies!

• Chester Hooton : What goes with the local peasantry?

  Duke Johnson : One look at us and they run right out of the joint.

  Chester Hooton : I feel like I'm back in vaudeville.

• Chester Hooton : Don't look at me. I didn't even want to get on this boat. I was Shangri-La'd.

  Duke Johnson : Shanghaied, old man.

  Chester Hooton : Well, one of them towns in Egypt.

• Chester Hooton : It was great while it lasted, wasn't it?

  Duke Johnson : Oh, what a combo. A barrel of fun. A lot of laughs.

  Chester Hooton : Oh, a lot of snickers.

  Duke Johnson : Chester, we had a couple of things that - money couldn't buy.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah and I usually got the ugly one.

  Duke Johnson : No hard feelings.

  Chester Hooton : No hard feelings at all!

• Chester Hooton : Chester, you'd better face it. The cards say Alaska!

  Duke Johnson : No wonder, it's a cold deck.

• Chester Hooton : [playing an accordion accompanying Duke in a talent show]  You know, I never knew I could play one of these.

  Duke Johnson : You could beat the monkey alone.

• Duke Johnson : She made the date with me.

  Chester Hooton : Look, fester-head, why would she make a date with two guys at the same time?

  Sal Van Hoyden : Why not?

• Chester Hooton : So you finally got yourself a date, huh?

  Duke Johnson : You said it, son.

  Chester Hooton : What'd you do? Pick up a lonely walrus?

  Duke Johnson : Oh, now you know I don't cut into your territory.

• Sal Van Hoyden : It seems to me we've met somewhere before.

  Chester Hooton : I don't think so.

  Sal Van Hoyden : Perhaps in your dreams.

  Chester Hooton : You wouldn't be seen in those kind of places.

• Chester Hooton : Well, here we are, off on another road!

  Duke Johnson : Oh-oh. And what a road!

• Sal Van Hoyden : Some women can love any type of man, but not me. I've got to have a beast of a man. You hear me? A beast!

  Chester Hooton : Is a wolf considered a beast?

  Sal Van Hoyden : My, what a fiery nature.

  Chester Hooton : Let's throw another log on it.

  [long kiss, then looking straight into the camera] 

  Chester Hooton : As far as I'm concerned, this picture's over right now.

• Chester Hooton : What're you doing?

  Duke Johnson : Putting mine in my hat in a safe place. And you'd better do the same thing.

  Chester Hooton : In a safe place, huh?

  Duke Johnson : Sure.

  Chester Hooton : Say, what do you think of my underwear?

  Duke Johnson : Not much, but put it there anyway.

• Sal Van Hoyden : Come in.

  Chester Hooton : Well, here I am. Start burning the incense.

• Sal Van Hoyden : Didn't anyone ever tell you there'd be moments like this?

  Chester Hooton : Yes, my school teacher - just before we were expelled together.

• Duke Johnson : [singing]  The girls are fond of blubber, And the igloos have no locks

  Chester Hooton : Oh, you'll wow the lady Eskimos, They don't wear bobby socks..

• Duke Johnson : What's all the celebration here?

  Ace Larson : A posse! There's going to be a little hanging.

  Duke Johnson : Little hanging, huh? Well, what do you know.

  Chester Hooton : Hanging, huh? Well, that's ''noose'' to me.

  [Chester and Duke laugh, Ace doesn't] 

  Chester Hooton : That's noose - I made a joke.

• Chester Hooton : It's a dame.

  Duke Johnson : A dame!

• Sal Van Hoyden : Where's the map?

  Chester Hooton : There's only one map I want to talk about. Yours. That skin, those lips.

  Sal Van Hoyden : Where is it?

  Chester Hooton : Those eyes. They're beautiful - and they match!

• Chester Hooton : I will admit there's something phony about that dame.

• Chester Hooton : Duke, I'm kinda glad you talked me into this deal. You said it was Utopia and you were right. It's been a lot of work and I've beefed a lot but I'll never blow up again.

• Duke Johnson : Hangin', huh? Sounds gay.

  Chester Hooton : Yeah, it sure does. Happy huntin', partner.

• Duke Johnson : Maybe we could sneak through, huh?.

  Chester Hooton : Sneak through? That's a slaughter house. You wanna hang upside down?

• Duke : Shh. You want them to hear us? Hiccup the other way.

  Chester Hooton : That's the only way I know how.