- Wetherby Pond: [responding in exasperation to Miss Whitchurch informing him that her girls will arrive imminently, as St Swithin's is a boarding school that specializes in outposts] Madam, I am not in the least concerned where they come from or even if the sun never sets upon them.
- [Wetherby Pond bursts into one of the dormitories where the boys of Nutbourne are having a pillow fight with the girls and mistresses of St Swithin's. He quickly turns round and goes back into the corridor]
- Conrad Matthews: Aren't you going to stop them, sir?
- Wetherby Pond: There are times, I think, when little boys should be seen... but not interrupted.
- Rainbow: There's a lady at the door, sir, wanting to know if you'll vote for Miss Winston in the election.
- Wetherby Pond: Mrs Hampstead, you can tell your lady that if there is a *male* candidate, whether he's Conservative, socialist, communist or anarchist... or for that matter, Liberal... he will have my vote.
- Small boy: [at breakfast] Please sir, I don't want any more.
- Muriel Whitchurch: [Looking at the Master's bookshelf] Memoirs of Casanova! Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica James reading in the closet?
- Schoolgirl: [after Victor Hyde-Brown has escorted a group of girls outside, and regaled them with a story of wartime experiences] I'd simply have adored to see you in your uniform.
- Victor Hyde-Brown: Well, I looked much the same as the rest of the bunch, you know.
- [Looking admiringly at some of the girls]
- Victor Hyde-Brown: I say, you girls are bang-on for seventeen.
- Muriel Whitchurch: [Arriving] Mr Brown, what are you doing with my senior botany?
- Victor Hyde-Brown: Oh, well, I was, um, just showing them the petunias. Jolly good display this year. Bit past their best now, of course.
- Muriel Whitchurch: The petunias are not alone in that respect. Will you leave us this minute?
- Victor Hyde-Brown: Oh, well, I was only giving them a few hints - facts of nature, nothing else.
- Muriel Whitchurch: [to the girls, as he leaves] And you girls, get back to your indoor botany at once.
- Sir Angus McNally: We're waiting for an explanation, Mr Pond!
- Wetherby Pond: Can't you see I'm trying to think of one...
- [as Miss Whitchurch is showing some of her girls' parents round the school, a cupboard door opens and reveals three pin-up photographs of scantily-clad women, including two in swimming costumes and one performing a can-can high-kick]
- Mrs. Ibbertson: What on earth are these doing here?
- Muriel Whitchurch: Well, this is Janet Hackett, who won the 220 yards breaststroke in 1946. And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won the 100 yards freestyle in 1947. And this is Frieda Harris, our champion Morris dancer caught in mid-action.
- Muriel Whitchurch: Ladies, you are facing your supreme test. Remember our netball cry.
- Miss Gossage: [pronouncing "Effort" as "F- it"] Effort, St Swithin's, effort.
- Muriel Whitchurch: Quite so, Miss Gossage.
- Wetherby Pond: St Swithin's? You don't mean that yours is a school of boys *and* girls?
- Barbara Colhoun: Oh no! Only girls.
- Arnold Billings: Does this mean, sir, that we are to expect 100 young ladies?
- Wetherby Pond: It means that not only have the Ministry made a mistake in sending a school here at all, but they've apparently been guilty of an appalling sexual aberration.