- Tucker: [Unsure of what to say to the sheriff] Oh hidy-ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.
- Dale: [after a spear lands between his legs] I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm not hung like a bear.
- Tucker: When you see a college girl prancin' around in front of you half naked, you do not call out my name!
- Allison: Wait, wait! Everyone just stop for a second and let's talk this out, okay? Nobody wants to hurt anyone.
- Tucker: [as he favors the hand with the fingers that Chad cut off] You could've fooled me!
- Chad: Fuck off, hillbilly!
- Tucker: Eat shit, body perm!
- Allison: Wait! Wait! How 'bout I make some tea and we all sit and talk this out.
- Tucker: S-s-sounds like a good idea. I'll provide the finger sandwiches!
- Dale: [Allison is terrified of him when he first comes into her room] Uh-oh-oh, it's the pancakes! You don't like pancakes, I will get you sumpin' else!
- Dale: [after seeing Tucker's fingers wrapped in his shirt] Oh my God, they cut off his bowling fingers!
- Sheriff: [Talking to Tucker and Dale, after he's pulled them over] Where are you two headed?
- Tucker: We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake. I sank every penny I had into it... me and Dale here, we're gonna' go fix her up, then do a little fishin'. He's been strikin' out by the ladies, I figure a little *man* time might do him some good.
- Sheriff: [Gives them a hard look] There ain't nothin' up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.
- Tucker: What am I supposed to say, Dale? "Oh hidy-ho officer! We've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house when kids started killing themselves all over my property."
- Dale: Yeah, yeah, just like that.
- Tucker: They're never gonna believe that.
- Dale: But that's exactly what happened!
- Dale: [when going for the last beer] That's okay Tuck. You take that. It's yours.
- Tucker: See that's why you're never gonna get ahead in life. It's cause you don't stick up for yourself.
- Dale: [Dale reaching for last beer, Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"
- Tucker: Do not even think about it.
- Dale: But you just said...
- Tucker: Are you kidding me?
- Dale: [Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"
- Tucker: Are you serious?
- [snaps open beer top]
- Tucker: What'd I just say?
- Dale: You said I gotta stick up for myself.
- Tucker: I said "don't even think about it, though" That was the last thing I said.
- Tucker: [Dale is attracted to one of the college co-eds at the gas station, but hesitates to try to go talk to her] She's just human. Why don't you go over and talk to her?
- Dale: Talk to her? What... What in the world would I say?
- Tucker: I don't know... Tell her that you got a vacation home. That'll probably impress her.
- Dale: Are you out of your mind, Tucker? They're college girls, and they grew up with vacation homes and guys like me fixing their toilets!
- Tucker: You've gotta' have some faith in yourself, man. Girls can *smell* fear. Now, come on! You are a good lookin' man... more or less. You got a damned good heart. I mean, that's two things right there. Now go on, get over there! What... what's the worst that could happen?
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