Military history of the United States: Difference between revisions
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
| Line 7: | Line 7: | ||
* '''1775-1783''': The British Crown presents a bill to American settlers, who must now pay for their protection, by paying higher taxes on their slaves. Ungrateful settlers, who are already allergic to taxes, go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded by the boxes but manage to escape in time (Result; 20 Colonists injured, 50 boxes drowned). Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when General Burgoyne realises that Canadian merchants sold him agweed instead of tea before his departure. Unable to get new provisions and facing a mutiny, he decides to surrender. In the following years the Americans will lose most of the time due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. Luckly this is greatly out-weighed by the incompetence of the [[British]] military leaders, who thought it would be a super-great idea to dress all their soldiers in red coats and line them up in neat rows. It is estimated that, for every shot an American soldier fired, somewhere between 350,000 to 1 million British soldiers were killed. This habit has continued to the present day - in modern times it is called 'friendly fire'. |
* '''1775-1783''': The British Crown presents a bill to American settlers, who must now pay for their protection, by paying higher taxes on their slaves. Ungrateful settlers, who are already allergic to taxes, go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded by the boxes but manage to escape in time (Result; 20 Colonists injured, 50 boxes drowned). Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when General Burgoyne realises that Canadian merchants sold him agweed instead of tea before his departure. Unable to get new provisions and facing a mutiny, he decides to surrender. In the following years the Americans will lose most of the time due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. Luckly this is greatly out-weighed by the incompetence of the [[British]] military leaders, who thought it would be a super-great idea to dress all their soldiers in red coats and line them up in neat rows. It is estimated that, for every shot an American soldier fired, somewhere between 350,000 to 1 million British soldiers were killed. This habit has continued to the present day - in modern times it is called 'friendly fire'. |
||
| − | === 19th Century === |
||
| − | * '''1812-1814''': America invades Canada while Britain burns Washington to the mud. Americans find no oil in Canada and retreat. Canadians seize the moment by ambushing the American pricks and pounding the crap out of them. The Americans retaliate by destroying all the crumpets in Canada, pretty much starving them to a slow death. British launch assault on New Orleans. British surrender after realising that nobody cares about New Orleans, unfortunately for the Americans however, this victory meant nothing as the war was over, and the British were simply marching towards them to tell them they were going home. The Americans cried "they're comin' right for us!", and opened fire on the unarmed and bewildered British soldiers and children, and thus Andrew Jackson became an American hero. He also recognized by being put on the $20 bill, where he remains to this day. |
||
| − | *'''1846-1848''': Thinking that Texas oil somehow extended farther west than it really did, American troops generously relieve Santa Ana of the shitholes of California, Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona. Not only did the Americans fail to find any oil in these newly "won" territories, they were actually dumb enough to pay money to the Mexicans for all that wasteland. |
||
| − | * '''Indian Wars''': (See [[Manifest Destiny]]) Several raids are led against Indian women and babies and the US troops achieve some victories, but fail to liquidate all. Neverthless, some successful slaughters will lead them to believe that they are mighty and couragous warriors. The only major loss for the Americans during this war was a battle between Crazy Horse and the US's General Custard, who couldn't run because of a stomach cramp due to eating a large quantity of pastries filled with - you guessed it- custard. |
||
| − | * '''1861-1865''': Americans win an impressive victory against themselves, but it took a while. It kinda sucked because either way they would lose, but on the bright side, either way they would win. |
||
| − | * '''1898''': The Spanish perform a master coup and get rid of Cuba, Puerto-Rico, Guam and the Philippines at the expense of the Americans, leaving the USA with the impression that they won the war. Soon the US discover that there is no oil there, and that their new possesions are a waste basket more than anything else. |
||
=== 20th Century === |
=== 20th Century === |
||
Revision as of 05:26, 9 September 2008
Well, apparently the USA has quite the military history. Here is a brief summary of American military victories and other accomplishments.
American Military Victories
18th Century
- 1775-1783: The British Crown presents a bill to American settlers, who must now pay for their protection, by paying higher taxes on their slaves. Ungrateful settlers, who are already allergic to taxes, go on a rampage and attack tea boxes on a ship; several Americans are wounded by the boxes but manage to escape in time (Result; 20 Colonists injured, 50 boxes drowned). Americans win their sole victory in Saratoga when General Burgoyne realises that Canadian merchants sold him agweed instead of tea before his departure. Unable to get new provisions and facing a mutiny, he decides to surrender. In the following years the Americans will lose most of the time due to their lack of discipline and massive desertions. Luckly this is greatly out-weighed by the incompetence of the British military leaders, who thought it would be a super-great idea to dress all their soldiers in red coats and line them up in neat rows. It is estimated that, for every shot an American soldier fired, somewhere between 350,000 to 1 million British soldiers were killed. This habit has continued to the present day - in modern times it is called 'friendly fire'.
20th Century
- 1918: The Americans arrive just in time to help carry General Melchett's feathery hat into Berlin.
- 1941-1945: Again, America turned up just in time to congratulate themselves for being on the winning side. America also helped spread syphilis throughout europe.
- 1950-1953: Well.... They don't call the Korean War the 'Forgotten War' for nothing!
- 1961: Cuban exiles send guinea pigs to Cuba to try and reclaim their land and topple Castro. Due to intense heat on the way to the beach, many of these brave troops die on the way and when the landing craft opened up, most of the poor buggers drowned as they tried in vain to swim. The rest of them are eaten by the Stalinbear, recently shipped over in preparation to be given a missile launcher upgrade. A true shame.
- 1963-1973: Americans suffer cruelly from the lack of AC, and marijuana of a poor quality in Vietnam. The American army manages to defeat the anti-war movement in every major battle but is eventually defeated by a coalition of dirty hippies, college professors and liberals. Despite grass roots support from the Vietnamese populace the US surrenders leading to the fall of the United States and the rise of the antichrist
- 1969: The United States invades the moon but leaves after not finding any oil or anyone to shoot at.
- 1983: The combined air force, navy and ground troops apply an audacious plan and succeed to beat a bunch of Cuban workers armed with shovels in Grenada. 5000 Decorations awarded.
- 1991: Americans align more soldiers than the French or the British and succeed to crush an army of barefoot Shi'ite drafted against their will. The Daguet division leads the charge while American soldiers console themselves in taking prisoners that the TV crews did not want.
21st Century
- 2001 : Americans invade Afghanistan, and with the help of the special forces of most of Europe, the Taliban are raped and fall back to the mountains. The Afganistanis are over the moon, as free'um and 'mocracy take hold as never before.
- Depressing note : As of 2006, the Taliban are, confusingly enough, back. This has mainly thought to be result of the fact that instead of actually fighting said enemies after early 2002, it was generally agreed by the parties involved that "the cheeky buggers got the picture", which has now been discovered to have been a "schoolboy error of the highest".
- 2003 : Americans repeat 1991, and align an even larger army and succeed yet again. Shi'ite defenders now have shoes, but still no tanks, and still can't be bothered with the whole war thing. Colonel McDonald's division successfully captures Saddam Insane, the leader of Iraq (and coincidently - owner of large oil reserves). The only enemies of the US still in Iraq are a bunch of depressed men who want the US to leave as quickly as possible. They blow up a bunch of stuff, which has the opposite effect, causing the US to stay even longer.
- Another Positive note : Anbar province is revolting against al Qaeda, and similar movements are occurring throughout the country. However, now, they hate the US even more, since the original reason is now gone, they want more shoes.
22nd Century
- 2150: America Nukes the crap out of the rest of world (including themselves) in an effort to stop global warming, obviously, it didn't work
23rd Century
- 2207: Didn't you just read above? There's no more America, no more Earth, no more porn for that matter. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna dim the lights and visit multiple adult sites and take the free tour cause I don't have a credit card
this is shit
Recent years
Current Wars
America is currently in war with: England, Commies, Germany, Japan, China, Commies, Itself, McDonalds, Commies Russia, Commies, Squids, South Africa, Dick Chenie, Commies, Population, French Commies, Obesity, Education, and a lot of other crap, but nobody cares enough to find out.
Suggestions for each
- England - Make them watch American TV and they'll kill themselves,
- France - Hire King Leapold the 13th to kill them all,
- Germany - Hire Adolf Hitler once more (does this mean you hired him before?),
- Japan - Send an atom bomb at them,
- China - Don't buy their stuff,
- Mexico - Need a place to send waste.
- It self - Everyone! Commit Sepuku!
- McDonalds - Buy all their stuff so they run out of ingredients,
- George W. Bush - You guys figure it out, I've already tried...
- Russia - Buy their natural resources so they can't conquer the world,
- Squids - Impossible to defeat!
- South Africa - Let them just keep killing themselves,
- Dick Chenie - Have the lawyer shoot him back, he'll be more than willing to,
- Population - Buy cars and have your children drive them at the age of 2,
- Education - Drop it even more so that the Americans don't know Australia from Iraq change to not knowing themselves to China.
Special Enemies of the US
Iraq, Iran Communism, Aliens, France, EVERYBODY (especially the last two)
Ways to defeat our special Enemies
Employ the US army to fight them for us because they are the greatest, best and the most elite fighting force in the world.
Friends of the US
- Searches his notes* Uh... Can't find any... Sorry guys... Oh, I'm a friend of my American friends but thats it... Sorry :D
And Albania. They're the only uber awesome country in Europe.
Wait. here's one, Australia. They felt left out since New Zealand had rejected them, and decided to pretend and be friends. And Israel. never discount a Jew( discount? Is that the right word for it?)
People's say
Lets just bomb the !@#$ out of them already and get it out of the way.
My Say
F!@#$%^ noobs! What the heck is wrong with you?!
Decision Made
Project - REVOLUTION (no one knows what it means...)
Reason for making this page and other questions
- "Why did I make this page?"
Don't know. - "How did I make this page?"
Become a user noob... - "Do I get to be your friend if I give you a good comment?"
Do I have to answer that... - "Who am I?"
Good question...