Honesty

Since the dawn of time, people have attempted to fool their fellow man. Jokesters, tricksters, hucksters, Jimsters, and many other types of foul soul have spent their time peddling the dark art of 'satire', here and elsewhere. But I'm going to tear down this edifice of falsity, this veneer of vapidity, this deluge of delusion, this, this, this, thing. Tear it down I will

Since lies are out there everywhere, waiting for you to close your eyes, even for just an instant, during which they'll seep into your brain and infect your thoughts for ever and ever, you are probably already inflicted with their dreadful payload. Have you blinked recently? Probably so, naive fool that you are. See, that's when they get you, when you let your guard down, even for just an instant.

As proof that you've undoubtedly been lied to, numerous times, by family members including your mother and father, your best friend, your girlfriend, even people you don't know, I present you with this list (incomplete) of common lies:

• That the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. This is pure nonsense, as can clearly be demonstrated with an elementary Anatomy textbook. The statement is only somewhat true when viewed from below, somewhere around the pancreas. But who hangs out around the pancreas anyway? Just as I suspected.
• That real men don't cry. Real men do cry, sometimes. Anyone who says different is a dirty liar. For example, it's perfectly natural and expected to cry when a favorite sports team loses, a favorite television show goes off the air (if, only if, of course, that television show features home videos of animals jumping on trampolines or rocket powered home appliances), or if the sheer weight of life weighs down upon you in a torrential downpour of existential anguish. In these cases it is perfectly OK to cry, and that's the truth.
• That all dogs go to heaven. This is incorrect. Only some dogs to heaven, usually the very cutest ones.
• That Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Perchance let me explain matters that pertain to a person, a certain Peter Piper, and a proper lie attributed to his prim pseudonym. Probably there exists no Peter Piper. Though perhaps a piping Peter played of matters that pertain to presentations promoting pickle picking, pickle packing, pickle pecking, and peculiar personages predisposed to the pre-mentioned. Predictably, a prim and proper people search provides no Peter Piper in any pepper-producing or pickling-propagating principalities. Probity proscribes that you'd be a propitious prick to believe that there are pepper plants which produce peppers pre-pickled, post-pickled, or pickle-provided in any possible production. Regardless, prevarications abound. What profound pretension.
• That war is not the answer. War is often the answer to many questions. For example, "What do the letters 'W', 'A', and 'R', spell, when placed in that order? Or, "Was the Vietnam Conflict more like a war or a 3-ring circus?
• That you can't judge a book by its cover. Should the book display all the contained content on its cover, or should it contain a judgment of the contents contained within, you can, in fact, judge it by its cover. Also if it's written by Dan Brown.

• That practice makes perfect. In the process of practicing, one may break a bone, especially if one is practicing breaking a bone. This may seem like good practice, but that's an amateur mistake. You must spend years of intense study on the art of bone-breaking before you should even attempt practice lest you end up breaking a bone or something similarly disastrous.
• That people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. People in glass houses are very much encouraged to throw stones if either: A) They have a fetish for broken glass B) They are, in fact, trapped in the glass house with no way out other than the stones which have been carelessly left on the ground by the villians who trapped them or C) The glass contains a picture of jesus on it. OK, that last one was just for fun.
• That the pot will call the kettle black. I've never seen pots accuse anyone or anything of anything.

It is important to remember that 90% of everything people say is a lie. In order to maintain honesty, make a list of your 10 closest friends and then ignore 9 of them. Simple Bayesian statistics tell us this should fix the problem. You can still be friends with them, you just have to intentionally ignore everything they say. If one of your 'exes' asks you to pick up your dry-cleaning, just smirk at her and say, "Nice try." There obviously is no dry-cleaning. If another of your friends tells you he's going out to pick up McDonalds, get your chopsticks ready — It's going to be Chinese; nice try, Ronald. Using this method you should be able to maintain a nice honest feeling and stay friends with the dirty amoral liars you grew up with.

Luckily, methods exist both to foil liars' infernal plans and to keep up with the latest in honesty techniques. They are as follows:

Foiling Liars

The above list is by no means exhaustive, but it is indicative of the type of lies propagated by the honesty-deficient. As always, be wary. Should a person come up to you, well-dressed in an expensive suit, holding out a pamphlet or perhaps a book of some kind, in an attempt to sway your opinion, calmly take these steps:

1. Do not panic. Panicking lowers your perception, which as we know makes you more susceptible to lies.
2. Smile. People in suits always like it when you smile at them. It makes them think you are listening to them.
3. Do not listen to them. Keep with you, at all times, objects you can discretely stuff into you ears to block out their traitorous speech. Cotton, paper towels, or marshmallows are recommended, but pencils, marbles, and even silly putty will work in a pinch.
4. Walk away. This is a very important step. Do not forget it. After 15 seconds or so of smiling and nodding, mutter something about a "business luncheon" or "golf trip" you must attend, and then be on your way. Do not look back as you walk away. Do not look back.

Maintaining Honesty

Here are some tips to maintain your honesty in all endeavors:

1. Do not attempt to be funny or engaging. In doing so you will undoubtedly have to lie in order to cover up the fact that you are, in reality, a very boring and uninteresting person. It's best to stay away from this topic entirely.
2. Do not blink. That's a dead giveaway that you're lying.
3. Speak only of subjects on which you are directly knowledgeable. The importance of Honesty, for instance, is a very good topic to discuss, anytime, anywhere.
4. If you see someone approaching you with a smile on his face, a pamphlet in his hand, and a suit on his torso, follow the above list of steps in order to make it out safely.
5. If all else fails, simply curl up in the fetal position and start crying. This will make it difficult for you to lie or be lied to.

Yes! I could not be more honest if I tried, which I am. I could not be more serious if I were wearing a suit, smiling, holding out a pamphlet declaring my truthfulness. I could not be more honest if I were elected President of some small Baltic nation. Listen to me here: there is a war going on. Luckily, it's going on in Africa so we don't have to worry about it. But here at home there's something like a war in which people are trying to be dishonest. That's kind of like a war, in a way. And it's my job to protect you, to keep you honest. Don't ask who I am, don't ask why I was sent here, don't ask how I know where you live, I'm paid to know these things. In fact, don't ask questions at all. You'll find that questions only give other people an opportunity to lie to you.

An example. Say you wanted to know who the 17th President of the United States is. You'd want to ask someone, right? WRONG! What could more stupid than asking a question? Huh? Can you tell me? No, not that you idiot! Nothing!

Who was the 17th President of the United States?

James K. Polk, who ate only starfish and threw sawblades at Congressmen who failed to vote for him.

Now all of this could be made up, because you asked a question, and I gave an answer. I could have given any answer in the world. Any. Lucky for you I gave the honest answer, but I could have said it was Chester A. Arthur, who slept in a wash basin. Now what do you do to find out of this information is true? You ask someone else. Can't you see the obvious problem in that? Kind of circular logic, isn't it? By asking questions all you do is play into James K. Polk's starfish-and-sawblade laden hands. Nobody wants that.

The following is a true testimonial about honesty from an honest person. You can tell it's honest because I said so and I'm always right.

"I am what some might call an honest person. I work as the whore you see on that street corner everyday and wish that you had the balls to ask my price. Too bad, you don't make enough money. At any rate, I am honest and that is what I really believe about you. Yes, that is another thing. Fuck manners, fuck dishonesty! We are all going to Hell anyway because the Almighty hates us and wants us to suffer for all Eternity in flames, suffering first degree burns forever and forever. Bastard."

Take this knowledge and use it. Sleep with it. Brush your teeth with it. Adopt it. This information could save you someday from a genial huckster, a bashful insurance salesman, or a terrible despot.

Remember, if and when you encounter a known liar, don't be scared. He's only a figment of your twisted imagination. He cannot hurt you. Much.

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