UnNews:NFL allegedly rigs Super Bowl for Chiefs, Taylor Swift
Monday, February 5, 2024
Kellyanne Conway approves this article for its top notch alternative facts.
Hello folks, we got some breaking news in the NFL.
My totally reliable source here has provided what appears to be a copy of the NFL's scriptwriters' official screenplay. It appears that they're rigging the Super Bowl in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs defeating the San Francisco 49ers. Somewhat shocking, but not really, granted that we've seen traditional tropes happen once again this season with the Dallas Cowboys disappointing everyone again, the Buffalo Bills missing yet another field goal Wide Right in the playoffs, the Detroit Lions being the Detroit Lions and not making the Super Bowl, again, and the New York Jets, well, being the New York Jets, again, even with Aaron Rodgers.
Either way, making sure the Chiefs win, while repeating another trope and possibly making Kansas City into a new sports dynasty, would seem like a ploy to make all the fans of Taylor Swift happy. We've already seen her supposedly support the Democratic Party, which will probably ensure another term for Sleepy Joe as president. Same thing may have happened with Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders, though we all saw that coming. Actually, how did I make that connection? I should stop watching so much Tucker Carlson or Alex Jones. Anyways, how did I randomly connect football with the Democrats and with Swift...
Oh right! Swift is connected with football, maybe not politics, as Swift, possibly the biggest pop star in the world and having won a few more Grammys this year (totally not rigged), is currently dating Chiefs player Travis Kelce. For the sake of money for the league, it would probably make sense for the Chiefs to win, so that Kelce could propose to her midfield after catching a last-second game-winning touchdown and winning the Super Bowl MVP award, allowing Swift to become princess empress overlord of the Universe. Every other fanbase would merely cringe and cry about the game being rigged while the Swifties keep bringing the cashflow for Roger Goodell and the league. Unless you want the alternative: an upset Swift merges with a crying Patrick and Brittany Mahomes, morphs into a dragon, bites off Kelce's head for disappointing her, and huffs the entire NFL fandom in one bite while all the Swifties pull a January 6th in protest. You definitely don't wanna see the wrath of the Swifties. Furthermore, recent evidence has come to light that the Swifties are a cult.
Joining me now is BSPN host Stephen A. Smith with some more insight. Stephen?
Stephen A. Smith: It's ALL a load of BALONEY! Although I'll say that certain things might seem like it makes better television, as the OLD TV law says, you gotta make sure the WOKE stuff gets onto television. That's what the TV channels are all doin' now! But I didn't say nothing. Nuthin' at all!
Interesting comments, given that conservative TV viewers and most true NFL fans have been throwing out the complaint "go woke, go broke" and given poor approval ratings to current TV and streaming options and game results. But hey, it's all about who's the boss, right?
And now here's 49ers defensive players Chase Young and Nick Bosa joining me live.
Chase Young: What's up, UnSports reporter guy! I just agreed to be on TV having no idea what it's about!
Now guys, are you aware of any league-mandated orders for when you take on the Chiefs during the Super Bowl?
Young: You saying what now?? Uhh, yeah we shouldn't talk about that shit at all, haha, not like I'm just gonna look like I'm sacking Mahomes and then I'd let him slip and throw that bomb down to Kelce for the game winning touchdown, right? That's just crazy talk.
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Nick Bosa: Chase, shut the fuck up! Anyways.. yeah, of COURSE we gonna play our hardest! That NFL scriptwriter shit is just garbage. Though I wouldn't be surprised if the refs pull some crazy shit for the Chiefs and the Swifties. Everything's a conspiracy theory now! Just like the election back in 2020 being rigged, Ukraine and Israel being rigged, my taxes bein' rigged, my girlfriend being rigged..
..Interesting. We'll cut away now. Anyways, we'll see what happens one week from now! Reddit, remind me one week from now to check back in on this topic. Okay, it's set, and to prove a point, I've also bet my entire life savings on the Chiefs winning with this insight, plus two more $50K loans from the mafia! If all goes well, I'm gonna be a rich man come-
**loud knocking**
"FBI, OPEN UP!"
Shit, looks like the Feds are after me for leaking a highly confidential television spoiler and inside trading. Welp, hopefully I'll break this to you next week, gotta go on the run! **Jumps out the window and runs away**
One week later..
Sooo much winning!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Sharon Bond "Here's why conspiracy theories about Taylor Swift and the Super Bowl are spreading" NPR.org, February 1, 2024
- Mike Fisher "Super Bowl Rigged for Chiefs so Taylor Swift Can Sway Presidency, Claims Candidate" USA Today Sports, January 30, 2024
- Nathaniel Meyersohn "The dark side of the sports betting boom" CNN, February 10, 2023