Monkey Island

The following are quotes from the Monkey Island series of adventure games by LucasArts.

• “I am Guybrush Threepwood, mighty <profession>.”

  – Introduction of the main character, Guybrush Threepwood. Most often identifies himself as a mighty pirate.

• Insult: “You fight like a dairy farmer.”

  Comeback: “How appropriate. You fight like a cow.”

  – Sword fight insult, written by Orson Scott Card.

• “Look behind you, a Three-Headed Monkey!”

  Used by many characters (especially Guybrush) to distract someone long enough to escape. In the first game, a three-headed monkey actually appeared behind said characters, but they did not notice

• “I’m selling these fine leather jackets.”

  – Guybrush (a recurring phrase in almost every LucasArts adventure game since first spoken by Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

• “That’s the second biggest <object> I’ve ever seen!”

  – Guybrush, when seeing something big (commonly said in Get Smart)

• “I must have left it in my other pants.”

  – Guybrush, when asked about an item he doesn't have.

• “I wanna be a pirate!”

  – oft-repeated and unexplained aspiration of the protagonist, Guybrush Threepwood

• “So you want to be a pirate, eh? You look more like a flooring inspector.”

  – Blind Lookout to Guybrush Threepwood

Pirate: Guybrush Threepwood? That's the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard!

Guybrush: Well, what's your name?

Pirate: [matter-of-factly] My name is Mancomb Seepgood.

LeChuck: Ah. There's nothin' like the hot winds of hell blowin' in your face.

Murray: No sir. Nothing like it. Ah. Sir.

LeChuck: It's days like this that makes you glad to be dead.

Murray: Oh, yes sir, glad to be dead.

LeChuck: Ye are glad to be dead, RIGHT?

Murray: Oh yes sir. I feel so lucky that you happened to capture my ship, then murdered me and everyone on board, yes sir, lucky.

LeChuck: Glad to hear it.

Guybrush: Can you tell me the story about this LeChuck guy?

Pirate: LeChuck? He's the guy that went to the Governor's for dinner and never wanted to leave. He fell for her in a big way, but she told him to drop dead. So he did. Then things really got ugly.

Otis: You’ve got to help me! I’m a victim of society!

Guybrush: Not to mention halitosis. Yuck!

Storekeeper: What do you want?

Guybrush: I could really use a breath mint.

Storekeeper: You’re telling me. Take one. Please. Take a whole roll.

Guybrush: I think I can live without that particular piece of junk.

Stan: Say, does your wife know you’re such a cheapskate?

• “Please? Pretty please? Please pretty please with sugar on top?”

  – Guybrush Threepwood, when wanting something badly.

• “That’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen!”

  – Guybrush, about the giant stone monkey head on Monkey Island

Meathook: You've got a real attitude problem!

Guybrush: Well...you've got a real hair problem!

Meathook: You just don't know when to quit, do you?

Guybrush: Neither did your barber.

[Guybrush has received some disappointing sword fighting lessons.]

• "I can’t help but feel I’ve been ripped off. [Towards the fourth wall.] I’m sure you're feeling something similar."

  – Guybrush Threepwood to Sword Teacher

• "Swordfighting is a little like making love. It's not always what you do, but what you say."

  – Sword Teacher to Guybrush Threepwood

Guybrush: I’m looking for 30 dead guys and one woman.

Cannibal: I don’t think I want to hear any more about it.

• “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see us?”

  – The Cannibals to Guybrush

Guybrush: At least I’ve learnt something from all of this.

Elaine: What’s that?

Guybrush: Never pay more than 20 bucks for a computer game.

Elaine: A what?

Guybrush: I don't know. I have no idea why I said that.

• “I’m a mighty pirate!”

  – oft-repeated phrase of the protagonist, Guybrush Threepwood

• “I can’t make the one thing this island could really use… a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande!”

  – said by several citizens of Scabb Island about the local bully, shortly before Guybrush commissions a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande

• “I'm sensing a disturbance in the Force…as if a tiny voice just called out...and hastily scratched a message in a table.”

  – The Voodoo Lady, when Wally is kidnapped

  Paraphrasing Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Guybrush: I'm on a whole new adventure.

Bart: Growing a mustache?

Guybrush: No. Bigger than that.

Bart: A beard?!?

Guybrush: I’m a game warden. I’ll have to confiscate your pole.

Fisherman: Let’s see your badge.

Guybrush: You don’t need to see no stinking Badge.

Quoting from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, mixed with Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

Guybrush: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Carpenter: A woodchuck would chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck can’t chuck wood.

Guybrush: But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Carpenter: Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?

Guybrush: A woodchuck should chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood.

Carpenter: Oh shut up.

Variations on a standard tongue-twister.

Barkeep: Is Guybrush a French name?

Guybrush: No, actually it’s a fictional name.

LeChuck: I-- --am your brother!

Guybrush: No! No, that's not true! That's impossible!

LeChuck: Search your feelings, you KNOW it to be true!

Guybrush: Noooooooo!!!!

Slight variation of a dialog from Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Elaine Marley: Let’s face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, codependent villain and that’s just not what I’m looking for in a romantic relationship right now.

LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d’ya mean?

• "I can’t, I’m washing my hair tonight"

  – Elaine Marley, reply to LeChuck asking her to be his undead wife

[Guybrush encounters a talking skull, floating in the water.]

Guybrush: Can I call you ‘Bob’? (Referring to the undead pirate Bob from the first game whose skull kept falling off, also possibly a reference to an old joke about what you call someone with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool.)

Murray: You may call me ‘Murray’! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I stride through the Gates of Hell – carrying your head on a pike!

Guybrush: “Stride”?

Murray: All right then, roll! Roll through the Gates of Hell! ... must you take the fun out of everything?

[Guybrush manages to swim back to shore, where Elaine is still scanning the water looking for him.]

Elaine: Guybrush? Guybrush... I thought I'd lost you forever! Is it really you?

Guybrush: Yes, Elaine! Um... Did you really mean what you said out there? That I was the only man you ever loved?

Elaine: Uh, well... yes Guybrush... I guess I did.

Guybrush: Elaine, I'm a man of action. A swashbuckler. A rogue. A wanderer. A man who can hold his breath for ten minutes. I have no ties and no regrets; I sail with the wind and go wherever adventure takes me. But somehow, something always leads me--

Elaine: Guybrush, stop babbling.

Guybrush: Elaine... will you marry me?

Elaine: Oh, Guybrush!

[Guybrush, tarred and feathered so he looks like a man-sized chicken, enters Blondebeard's chicken shop.]

Captain Blondebeard: ¡Madre de Dios! ¡Es el Pollo Diablo! (“Mother of God! It’s the Devil Chicken!”)

Guybrush: ¡Sí! ¡He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti! (“Yes! I have released your prisoners, and now I've come for you!”)

Captain Blondebeard: Well, yer not takin’ me without a fight!

[Blondebeard bashes Guybrush over the head with a frying pan]

• “I’m not bald! I just have a really high widow's peak.”

  – Murray, the demonic talking skull

Guybrush: You’re about as fearsome as a doorstop.

Murray the demonic talking skull: Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?

Guybrush: Never mind.

[Guybrush finds Murray hanging from a tall spike.]

Guybrush: How’d you get all the way up there?

Murray: Through sheer force of will!

Guybrush: Uh-huh.

Murray: … Okay, it was a bunch of those weird voodoo kids. They found me on shore and put me on top of this spike, all the time thinking they were so funny.

Guybrush: What do you know about lifting voodoo curses?

Murray: Oh sure. I know a lot about lifting curses. That’s why I'm a disembodied talking skull, hanging on a spike, in the middle of a swamp!

Guybrush: You sound bitter.

Murray: I’m sorry, it’s been a rough day.

Guybrush: If I gave you your arm back, what would you do with it?

Murray: I’d terrorize the South Seas! I’d torture the living! I’d demolish the… er… What I meant to say was, I’d use it to pet kittens.

Guybrush: Nope. You blew it.

Murray: Drat.

• "Mine is the name pirates fear the most: Edward “Snugglecakes” Van Helgen!"

  – Edward Van Helgen

Haggis McMutton: Well, Haggis is only my nickname. My true name is ‘Heart Lungs And Liver Boiled In The Stomach Of The Animal McMutton’.

Guybrush: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl.

Haggis: Aye.

• “It looks like a ship's skipper, first mate, a professor, and the rest.”

  – Guybrush, when looking at a pile of skulls, in reference to Gilligan's Island

• “I think I broke my skull. I’m *all* skull.”

  – Murray the demonic talking skull, having fallen from a great height

Murray: Would you mind not talking down to me?

Guybrush: Well, I really don’t have a choice…

Edward Van Helgen: [realizes that Guybrush has shot his banjo with a gun] What?! You shot my banjo!

Guybrush: You can’t be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.

Edward Van Helgen: Of all the low down tricks!! I've never heard anything so low. I completely misjudged you! You are a pirate after all! I'd be proud to join your crew!

Guybrush: Great!

Edward Van Helgen: I'll just pack this stuff up and get ready. And give me back my gun.

A reference to the grassy knoll in the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

Guybrush: If you kill me... there wouldn’t be any more Monkey Island sequels. Then, if you kill me everyone will forget you.

LeChuck: Forget me? I’m the dead zombie pirate LeChuck! No one will forget me!

Guybrush: Do you remember Bobbin Threadbare?

LeChuck: Er… no.

Guybrush: Exactly.

Bobbin Threadbare was a character in LOOM.

• “Join me, Rosencrantz! I am your FATHER!”

  – Slappy Cromwell, reciting lines from his play, re-written from Hamlet by way of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.

• “It was no mere nightmare, Guybrush! Search your feelings! You know it to be true!”

  – LeChuck, quoting Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

• "I got so much money, It's embarassing!"

  - Guybrush in the smugglers' cave

• “We don't serve yer kind here!”

  – Haggis MacMutton, when Guybrush enters the barbershop tarred-and-feathered (another line from Star Wars)

• “I feel like I could, TAKE ON THE WORLD!”

  – Wally (a line from Day of the Tentacle)

• “Ask me about Grim Fandango.”

  – A badge worn by the silent patron in the chicken restaurant.

  Grim Fandango is another adventure game by LucasArts. Also a reference to The Secret Of Monkey Island, where a character from Loom wearing an "Ask me about Loom" badge was to be seen.

• “It's the stuff that really boring dreams are made of.”

  – Guybrush, looking at a stuffed raven

  Very famous altered quotation from The Maltese Falcon.

• “But- at- what- cost?”

  – Guybrush, imitating Captain Kirk

[The ghost of Minnie Goodsoup reveals that, although she was left standing at the altar by a pirate, she’s ready to go and fall for another one.]

Minnie Goodsoup: What do you do for living?

Guybrush: Flooring inspector.

Guybrush: I’m so sick of you guys and your rhyming.

Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill:

We’re ready to set sail, ’though the cannons need a priming.

We’re thievin’ balladeers,

A gang of cut-throat mugs,

To fight us off, you won't need guns,

Just jolly good earplugs!

A pirate I was meant to be,

Trim the sail and roam the sea…

Guybrush:

You say you’re fearsome pirates

Scheming, thieving, bad bushwackers

From what I’ve seen I’ll tell you

You’re not pirates, you’re just slackers!

Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill:

A pirate I was meant to be,

Trim the sail and roam the sea…

Guybrush: We’ll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange…

Haggis, Van Helgen and Cutthroat Bill: And… umm… well… er…

Cutthroat Bill: Door hinge?

Van Helgen: No. No.

Cutthroat Bill: Ah well, guess the song’s over then.

Haggis: Guess so.

Van Helgen: Okay, back to work.

Guybrush: Gee, I feel a little guilty now.

LeChuckie Doll: Arrgh! Math be hard, let’s go shoppin'!

- Parody of the Teen Talk Barbie doll

“All the key phrases are in there: ‘Blow the man down!’, ‘Shiver me timbers!’, ‘Who’s a pretty bird’!”

– Wally regarding audio books on parrot

[Guybrush pours the drug Head-B-Clear into his alcoholic drink.]

Guybrush: That makes the drink O so much more appealing!

Guybrush: (regarding LeChuck being Minnie Goodsoup's ex-fiancee)

LeChuck is your schnoobums!?

Guybrush: (when looking at the menu in Blondebeard’s chicken shoppe)

Blondebeard’s chicken is proud to serve skinless chicken, we’re also proud to serve the skins.

Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.

Guybrush: You're a fashion consultant?

Voodoo Lady: Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.

Guybrush Threepwood: Neat.

Voodoo Lady: You're an "autumn," by the way.

Welshman: Even the bravest of men must dread the horror of this place! Steel your courage boy, now, before you gaze upon the terrible, horrible face of... Skull Island!

Guybrush: That's a duck!

Welshman: What are you talking about? Don't you see the skull?

Guybrush: This island doesn't look like a skull at all. It looks like a great, big, enormous duck. It should be called Duck Island.

Welshman: Well, you see, you've got to squint and sort of turn your head and... Oh! It's just so scary!

Guybrush: If you squint and turn your head, it looks like a bunny.

Carla the Swordmaster: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to escape from Monkey Island?

Guybrush: No, how difficult is it to… (with emphasis) Escape from Monkey Island?

Carla: Well… it's really difficult.

Guybrush: How does Pegnose Pete smell without a nose?

Bait Shopkeeper: Awful!!!

Guybrush: I should've seen that coming...

• “Life is like pillaging a trading vessel bound for Jamestown... Ya never know what you're gonna get.”

  – Guybrush sitting on a bench on Lucre Island, in reference to Forrest Gump

• “Ahh, the middle finger, the most communicative of fingers.”

  – Guybrush, when looking at the middle finger of the giant hand in the Voodoo Lady's shop

• “I may be a dunce, but at least I'm a mighty pirate dunce!”

  – Guybrush, after getting himself kicked out of the pirate re-training school on Knuttin Atoll

• “Are you sure we can't kill him? I’ve let him alive before, and it’s always been a big mistake.”

  – LeChuck, about Guybrush Threepwood

• “Well… you fight like a cow!”

  – Guybrush, when LeChuck exits the Governor’s Mansion

• “Get that thing away from me, you twisted freak!”

  – Murray, when Guybrush shows him the “Abomination of Nature”

• “SEE souvenirs of Guybrush Threepwood’s most famous escapades! TASTE culinary delights approved by genuine pirates! HEAR beautiful pirate folk music! FEEL your souls being gently ripped from your bodies by this restaurant of uncompromising EEEEEVIL!!! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAA!!!”

  – Murray

• “Oh, the temperature’s a-rising while my sweat’s a-vapourising and I can not feel my legs below my knees anymore.”

  – Guybrush, waiting for the ride in the First Church of LeChuck to begin

• "Iron Maiden! Excellent! ...Uh, I have no idea why I said that."

  – Guybrush, examining an iron maiden. Reference to the movie "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".

• “Okay... Goodbye cruel adventure game!!.... .. naah forget it"

  – Guybrush at his mansion while standing at the cliff and hitting enter to jump off the cliff in the beginning of the game.

• "That's the second largest... No... No, that IS the largest conch shell I've ever seen!"

– Guybrush, upon seeing the giant conch shell amplification tower Ozzie intends to use to broadcast the Ultimate Insult across the Caribbean.

• "Is this thing sloshing? Four words you don't want to hear when picking up a coffin."

  - Guybrush, when picking up a monkey coffin.

• "So we're going to die... again... wonderful!"

  - Elaine, when Guybrush drops the Voodoo root beer

• "Those socks need a good darning... Darn you, socks!"

  - Guybrush, when examining a pair of socks

• Nipperkin: "You know, Threepwood, you've got spunk. Pirate spunk."
• Guybrush: "Ew"

• LeChuck: Do ya mind? I'm in the middle of an unholy ceremony!
• Guybrush: Unholy this [Stabs LeChuck]
• Elaine: "Unholy this?"
• Guybrush: Yeah, well he didn't give me a lot to work with

Guybrush: Van Winslow, head to Isle of Ewe [I Love You]

Van Winslow: Please, sir, I think we should hit land first

Guybrush: Isle of Ewe... It sounds like "I Love You". Nice joke.

Van Winslow: [Disappointedly] Yes, sir, joke

Guybrush: [While Examining Murray] Everything okay down there?

Murray: Just great! I've traded the dark and musky interior of a treasure chest for the even darker and muskier interior of your pocket!

• "You have to kill me! And I'm already dead"

- Murray on the deck of the Screaming Narwhal

• "The testers - sitting in a dark room with a lava lamp and thinking they're in heaven"

- Murray in the End Credits

• "Animations? I don't need animations! I live!"

- Murray in the End Credits

Guybrush: I plead not guilty by reason of insanity!

Judge: Ye look pretty sane to me...

Guybrush: Sure, NOW, but any second I could start using monkeys as needle-nose pliers, or shooting myself out of trebuchets, or doing strange things with rubber trees! I'm crazy, I tell ya, craaaaazy!

Guybrush: Could you read that last bit back for me?

Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]

Guybrush: Verrrry interesting. I don't even remember saying "exanguinate."

Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]

Guybrush: No no, I'm not questioning your professionalism, it's just that I don' even the meaning -

Stenographer: [Starring at typing machine]

Guybrush: Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

Guybrush: I object!

Judge: To what?

Guybrush: To this trial! To your hat! To the way my beard's itching! I also object to the way that guy's looking at me! And to this hook!

Guybrush Lawyer: Where were you on the night of August 15th?

Guybrush: I was on a date - with your wife

Guybrush Lawyer: Why you... You're dead, Threepwood! [fights with himself]

Elaine: Go to Hell, LeChuck!

LeChuck: Well, you can't say I didn't try.

Guybrush: Wait - unholy what?

LeChuck: Unholy THIS!

LeChuck: Out of respect of our newly-decreased, I feel I should point out that you wave your sword like a dairy farmer.

Elaine: How appropiate... you fight like a Pox-infected undead cow.

• "Is it over? ...Hello? ...Did we win?"

- Guybrush alone in the center of the crossroads