Funny People (2009)

Seth Rogen: Ira Wright

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Quotes 

• Eminem : Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, wanting to take a fucking picture.

  Ira Wright : [Ira takes a picture of Eminem and George from across the room]  Yeah. Got it.

  Ray Romano : E-mail that to me.

  Ira Wright : I will. That's awesome.

  Ray Romano : Yeah.

  Eminem : Who the fuck is that guy right there?

  Eminem : [Eminem points at Ray]  That fucking guy right there.

  George Simmons : What? Ray Romano's bothering you?

  Eminem : Who? Ray, Ray who?

  George Simmons : Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.

  Eminem : I don't give a fuck what show he's on. I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!

  George Simmons : Hey.

  Eminem : Hey, Ray!

  Ray Romano : Hello, Marshall.

  Eminem : Fucking problem here, buddy?

  [Ray shakes his head confused] 

  Eminem : Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?

  Ray Romano : [to Ira]  I don't get it, man. What's going on?

  Eminem : Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?

  Ira Wright : [whispering]  Say no.

  Ray Romano : No, man.

  Eminem : [to George]  I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?

  George Simmons : I see that, but not with Ray Romano.

  Ray Romano : [to Ira]  This is why I don't go out of the house.

  Ira Wright : I thought everybody loved you.

• Ira Wright : Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?

  James Taylor : Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?

• Ira Wright : One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci's son, I believed him for three years. I still get shit about that.

• George Simmons : So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.

  Ira Wright : I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

• Ira Wright : [watching his roommate's sitcom "Yo, Teach!" with Laura's kids]  You guys like this show?

  Mable , Ingrid : No.

  Mable : It's the worst show ever.

  Ira Wright : Good.

• Ira Wright : I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off!"

• George Simmons : I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.

  Ira Wright : She told me she had a boyfriend.

  George Simmons : She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.

• Ira Wright : Would you fuck my roommate if he was James McAvoy or Jude Law?

  Daisy : Probably.

• Leo : If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're gonna get a million hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.

  Ira Wright : Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.

• Laura : I used to do a lot of TV, like 90210. I always played bitchy parts.

  Ira Wright : You must have been a good actress, because you don't seem like a bitch to me.

• George Simmons : So, which room is yours?

  Ira Wright : Prepare to take a hike, because you're standing in it.

• George Simmons : [in his garage which is full of free stuff he's accumulated]  All right, you can have anything in here. But you gotta take the MerMan poster.

  [points to a movie poster featuring him as a male version of a mermaid] 

  Ira Wright : No, I want... I love MerMan!

  George Simmons : I knew you love MerMan. You and five-year-olds love MerMan.

  Ira Wright : It's a smart movie.

• Ray Romano : [regarding George's illness]  How did he know he had it?

  Ira Wright : He said he was feeling dizzy and tired. So he went to the doctor, and it was in his blood work.

  Ray Romano : That sucks, 'cause I get dizzy and tired. Anybody gets sick and I think I'm gonna get it. Is it contagious? It's not contagious, is it?

  Ira Wright : No. No, I've been around him a lot. I feel fine.

  Ray Romano : Okay, 'cause when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip. Not that you got it, but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, and the next thing you know, I'm dead, and my wife's fucking George Lopez.

• [Ira has gone to the airport to stop Laura speaking to Clarke before he flies to China, but he's too late] 

  Clarke : [spotting Ira]  Ira!

  Ira Wright : [pretending he just happens to be passing by]  Hey!

  Clarke : What are you doing here?

  Ira Wright : I'm... I'm going... I'm going back to Los Angeles.

  Clarke : LA?

  Ira Wright : Yeah.

  Clarke : You're in the Great China Air first class lounge, mate. What are you doing?

  Ira Wright : Oh. Yeah. This is a confusing airport. I thought this was Panda Express.

• Ira Wright : I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me.

  Deli Manager : Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.

  Chuck : Nah, he's right man. No way, man. That shit was painful. I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. I had fucking nightmares after that.

  Ira Wright : That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since then.

  Chuck : Then you bored my wife to sleep. I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.

  Ira Wright : Don't blame me for your pussy issues.

• Ira Wright : I can't believe you slept with her.

  Mark : I gave you an extra 11 days.

  Daisy : [Joining in the conversation]  What are you guys talking about?

  Ira Wright : Nothing, don't worry about it. Stupid guy stuff.

• George Simmons : Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy?

  Ira Wright : Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.

• George Simmons : I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. What's your e-mail?

  Ira Wright : My e-mail? It's... uh... irasexira@yahoo.com.

  George Simmons : Uh, Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.

  Ira Wright : Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then.

  George Simmons : Yeah, you should change it.

  Ira Wright : It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.

  George Simmons : I mean change it now.

  Ira Wright : Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.

  George Simmons : Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.

  Ira Wright : Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. And it's not all good, so don't worry.

• Ira Wright : You'll never be happy 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! Unless somehow you can get away from you, you're always gonna be miserable, George.

• Ira Wright : How does the softball team at MySpace work? Does everyone get picked last?

• Chuck : [about his comedy gig]  Are they gonna pay you?

  Ira Wright : Pay me? No! That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning. You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks.

  Chuck : My nigger, how the fuck you in "show business" when you got no business to show?

• Mark : Did you know that Leo played a part on Yo, Teach?

  Ira Wright : Yes I did.

  Mark : So you saw it?

• Ira Wright : Fuck Facebook in the face!