Chicago Bulls
The Chicago Bullshits is a eight-time NBA championship team that was formed in the 1960s when Chicago decided that the White Sox couldn't draw a crowd. Prior to the Bulls' formation, all Chicago was known for was a fat bitch with a chat show who gave cars away to homeless people. After the Bullshit's formation, Chicago became famous for Michael Jordan, for whom the rest of the Bulls played with.
Chicago's Original NBA Losers[edit | edit source]
Let's face it, you wanna know about Michael Jordan right? Maybe even Scottie Pippen too... am I right? The era when Peter Jackson hadn't made the Lord Of The Rim Jobs trilogy yet, and was still a successful NBA coach. You don't want to know about old hacks of the game, or that the Bullshits were once called the Chicago Fags. You don't want to know that the original Fags line-up moved to the more accepting California, and you especially don't want to know that they are better known today as the L.A Clippers.
So why would we bother to inform you about anything the Chicago NBA team did, when we know you are not even going to read this very part of the article? You'll just jump straight onto the next part about Michael-Fucking-Jordan and the winning teams of Chicago during the only time in history this team has been worth a damn.
Michael Jordan Era (Told you so...)[edit | edit source]
All Aboard, Air Jordan[edit | edit source]
When Michael Jordan was drafted to the Chicago Bulls in 1984, all of a sudden, the team didn't suck anymore. Chicago actually had something to do, apart from watching Oprah and reminiscing about the old gangsters and fires that once plagued the city a few 100 years ago. Jordan was the Savior of the Windy City, and with Air Jordan coming in to land, his huge farts made the town smell more like a worthy place to be.
It would take a couple of years for Jordan to stop hogging the ball and showing off in the air before the Bulls won an NBA championshit. Spectators were given something interesting to watch as Jordan would dunk all over guys and stick his finger up at them.
Bullshits Are Just Too Good Looking[edit | edit source]
Jordan was considered early on to be too damn cute for the game, his charisma and charm was gaining too much attention that all the old skool Chicago Fags fans where starting to come back and make the current team look a little too gay. So the Bullshits enlisted the help of Scottie Pippen to even out the gay community's testosterone levels. However, after a short while, Scottie proved he was a damn good player, and we mean, for such an ugly prick, he was a REALLY fucking awesome talented basketballer. The team would have to re-think how to balance out the roster and stop gays from coming to the game and making the Bullshits seem too pretty... so they called for the help of THE ugliest motherfucker to ever play the game, Dennis Rodman. Rodman would mock the homosexual fans of Chicago by dressing up as a woman on his off days, and then doing the unspeakably gayest thing anyone could do: he joined the WCW.
Michael Jordan, The First Trilogy[edit | edit source]
Jordan managed to break all records in the NBA, including breaking Wilt Chamberlain's record of sleeping with the most women without their wife knowing about it. He also broke Magic Johnson's record of sleeping with over 100 women and not contracting the AIDS virus. (Something Jordan knew when to retire from that Magic didnt) This was enough to celebrate so much that Jordan lead the Bulls to the finals in 1992 against the Portland Snail-Trailers. Jordan said, "Those slippery cunts put up a hard fight, but in the end, I'm Michael Jordan, bitch!"
Two Time, Two Time Champion[edit | edit source]
Jordan and his supporting cast returned the next year and ended up facing the L.A Lakers (now known as L.A Rapers since Kobe Bryant came on-board). Jordan naturally shit all over Magic Johnson and the Bullshits won their second consecutive championshit. Magic said after the final game, "Damn! It was like that fat bitch who raped me and gave me AIDS all over again", referring to when Kobe's mother raped him in the locker room and gave him AIDS.
333 Peet Peet Peet[edit | edit source]
Jordan then faced the Phoenix Bum-chums in the 93-94 NBA series. And naturally Jordan treated the Suns like his own team-mates, he refused to let Charles Barkley have the ball at all and dominated the game.
Chicago Standstill[edit | edit source]
Jordan left the bulls, leaving Scottie Pippen in charge of things. Scottie wasn't worth a real damn on his own, so Michael had to come back.
Second Cumming Of Michael[edit | edit source]
Michael returned to the new and improved Chicago Balls line up. And wouldn't you know it? The mother fucker won another 3 NBA championshit's in a row... then he fucked off to Washington and the Chicago Bullshits returned to the "worthless cunts" status they where known as in 1984 and before that.
Now that Jordan has retired from the game, the Chicago Bullshitters are just now the Chicago Shitkickers. Kicking shit around wherever they go, not worth a flying fuck to Chicago anymore.
Bulls Aint Worth a Shit Now That Jordan Is Gone, Era[edit | edit source]
Since Michael left, the Bulls dismantled and no one worth a damn was left playing for them. Dennis Rodman was killed in a wrestling accident due to internal bleeding by a wrestler that raped him in the ass too hard named Goldust who was later revealed to be played by Kobe Bryant. (Ok, enough Kobe jokes)... Scottie Pippen clicked his heels together three times and went home to the land of ugly-ass motherfuckers, Toni Q-Cock flushed himself back down the can and Blow Job Armstrong became the first nigger on the moon.... oh, and as for Luc Longley, why would you possibly give a flying fuck about him?
Ben Gordon Era (Told you so...)[edit | edit source]
All Aboard, Air Gordon[edit | edit source]
When Ben Gordon was drafted to the Chicago Bulls in 2004, all of a sudden, the team didn't suck anymore. Chicago actually had something to do, apart from watching Oprah and reminiscing about the old gangsters and fires that once plagued the city a few 100 years ago. Gordon was the Savior of the Windy City, and with Air Gordon coming in to land, his huge farts made the town smell more like a worthy place to be.
Air Gordon I = Air Jordan XXI
Chicago Shitkickers Today
[edit | edit source]
Chicago has almost become relevant again since the year 2000 a few times, but like the managment of Jerry Krause it just ended up being a gigantic blubbering peice of moose shit bringing the team down.
There was this big white dude once that played centre, but he ended up fucking off back to Stargate Command.
There was a midget that could dunk a ball nicely. But he always came up short for the Bulls.
And then their was a guy who wanted to break Jordan's record of being the biggest ballhog of all-time, and did manage to even surpass Jordan to Allen Ivorson level, but even an MVP win didn't make that injury-prone little bitch a worthy member of The Bulls History.
Who is worthy of being the next ball-hog like Jordan
to lead the Bullshits into the 22nd Centuary?[edit | edit source]
We said we was done with Kobe jokes... so who else is a complete ball hog then? Hmmm.... pretty much anyone who calls themselves an "Ankle breaker", you know, those who wouldn't recognize a pass if it rented space up their ass, might be a good choice. Oh, no wait, been there and done that with Derrick Rose. Scrap that idea, it failed. The Bullshits need someone better than someone whose strategy to win was jerking off the whole team to get them motivated before games, but not washing his hands afterward. This resulted in a sticky situation where the ball would become stuck to Derrick Rose hands, thus the glue like effect prevented his game by not allowing him to pass the ball off, shoot it straight, or successfully stuff it in a hole worthy of registering in-game points. Fuck him. He's gone.
Team Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
- NBA Champions: More times then you ever won one.
- Hired Micheal Jordan
Team Fuckups[edit | edit source]
- Let Jordan Retire
- Dennis Rodman
- Doug Collins
Finest Bullshitters[edit | edit source]
Players besides Michael that someone might give a rat's ass about.
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We are unsure of current players names and numbers, apart from that guy from Stargate, but we don't even know his name or number, 'cause the Bulls aren't worth a shit anymore |
Players Chicago Wish where Bullshitters |
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| Organizations | NBA • WNBA • XBA |
| Players | Kareem Abdul-Jabbar • Deandre Ayton • Charles Barkley • Larry Bird • Kobe Bryant • Wilt Chamberlain • Caitlin Clark • Kevin Garnett • Phil Jackson • Jerome James • LeBron James Jr. • LeBron James Sr. • Magic Johnson • Michael Jordan • Jeremy Lin • Aleksei Mendeleevskiy • Dikembe Mutombo • Shaquille O'Neal • Terrell Owens • Scottie Pippen • Willis Reed • Dennis Rodman • Brian Scalabrine • Dwyane Wade • Spud Webb • Delonte West |
| Teams | Boston Celtics • Brooklyn Nets • Chicago Bulls • Dallas Mavericks • Los Angeles Clippers • Los Angeles Lakers • Milwaukee Bucks • New York Knicks • Philadelphia 76ers • Portland Trail Blazers • San Antonio Spurs • Washington Wizards |
| Events | NBA Jam • Space Jam |
| Misc. | Basketball hoops • NBA 2K • Stephen A. Smith |