Environment
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The environment is a huge, vast area found outdoors. It has no real boundaries other than the doors and windows that separate it from indoors. Zonal transitions within the Environment itself are often gradual and barely noticeable until the change is drastic and, in some cases, life-threatening. If you don't recognize this you're an oxymoron, and should not be reading this further, if you think you are something unique. Maybe it is time for you to get some help.
The History of The Environment[edit | edit source]
Long ago, there was no Environment. There was only spastic air currents and sulfur ejected into the air via kitten huffing (and resulting exhaust). Eventually, these particles fused together, forming what we can only compare to two large men wrestling. Think about it.
Thus, the Environment was created, perhaps by chance, perhaps not. Some people say that God had a part in creating this so-called 'Environment'. But, if you look closely at the quotes above, you know that he did no such thing (or else he's covering up something *shifty eyes*).
Today, the Environment is regarded as generally sucky. It's both cold and hot all the time. This is why we purposely pollute the air and the sea, trying to kill off all traces of such a piece of crap. What the hell.
Where Can I Find The Environment?[edit | edit source]
Simply stepping outside the front door of any comfortable indoor habitat will put you into intimate contact with the Environment. You will notice that the Environment seems to be divided into five distinct layers:
- Mr Desimone - As far as researchers have found, this part of the environment is comprised of walks in the park with Dutch people, going on a boat, and watching armageddon with Bruce (THE SAVIOR OF MANKIND). This section of the environment is comprised mainly of (insert liberal news media propaganda). As we all know, the environment is best enjoyed from a far distance, due to the likelihood of it being full of people who believe that the best way to protect the environment is through group showers. (Note: Mr. Desimone is being considered by the Obama administration as the first Environmental/Golf Czar)
- Sky - Located directly above you, it is also a public park. The sky is a type of three-dimensional ceiling decorated with an ever-changing mosaic. Bits of sky - in liquid, solid, and gaseous form - occasionally fall and usually cause some type of irritation or discomfort. Large bits, or massive quantities of bits, also fall. These are often fatal. However this has recently proved an optical illusion in the groundbreaking essay The sky - a revisionist examination. The sky is blue. This is because of Buddha.
- Ground - The ground is usually situated below you, but due to terrain differences in The Environment, may actually occur just about anywhere, including above your head. The ground is heavy, dense, and unstable, and you should stay above it whenever possible.
- Yonder - The area to all sides of you not consisting of sky or ground is yonder. You share your occupancy of yonder with inanimate objects as well as other creatures. Because there never seems to be enough yonder to go around, conditions in the Environment sometimes get crowded. This is to be avoided. Crowding causes accidents, and accidents often end badly.
How Is The Environment Different?[edit | edit source]
In most cases, the Environment must be experienced as is. Unlike your indoor habitat, you have little control over the temperature, lighting, air movement, or humidity in the Environment. Your efforts to control the Environment are guaranteed to be temporary and insignificant in comparison with the Environment's vastness.
Within your indoor habitat, you are the master of your own comfort. The Environment, however, cares nothing for your comfort. You will never find comfort levels at an optimum. At best, the Environment can make you uncomfortable; at worst, it can cripple or kill you.
Dangers of the Environment[edit | edit source]
- United States of America:
- United States Air Force: Large birds may drop heavy, slightly radioactive (although safe to handle) apples on unsuspecting Arabs, North Koreans, Afghans, Iraquis, etc.. Increased rates of cancer in those areas is clearly a strange, new natural phenomenon that is not well understood...
- United States Coast Guard:
- United Airlines:
- Plants: Outdoor plants range from the mildly irritating (such as poison ivy, contact with which will result in a rash) to lethal (in the case of certain carnivorous plants which feed on human flesh).
- Animals: Nearly every animal found in the Environment preys on humans.
- Weather: Even harmless-seeming rain storms can produce deadly lightning, flash floods, mud-slides (almost as fun as normal slides, except sometimes they kill you), and sinkholes.
Global warming, as you all know, is heating up the planet. This causes the polar ice caps to melt and decreases the temperature of the sea. This creates optimum breeding temperature for the duodenum orchids. These live in the water and can bypass the filter system used to clean our water. Because of this, many people have drunk these micro-organisms allowing them to get into people digestive system. So what? I hear you say; however, these duodenum orchids will stay in the upper part of your small intestine (your duodenum) and eat their way through it. This allow the stomach acid to get in and destroy the entire intestine. As you probably figured out, this creates non-repairable damage to your digestive system and will lead to death by starvation.
How Can I Keep the Environment from Killing Me?[edit | edit source]
Stay inside. Lock all doors and windows. Huddle by the warm glowing warmth of your computer monitor and wait for further instructions. This does not always help, see game.
Also, keep the lights on. The environment gets dark during the night, and you are likely to be eaten by an elk.
Stay the fuck out of the Middle East, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and other countries on the *'United States of America's shit list.
Shut-ins are immune to the Environment, so if that is you you are safe.