Paper Mario
Paper Mario is a video game series developed by Nintendo. It tries to compete with Final Fantasy, with the games coming out the same exact day as the release of a FF game. However, it always fails to interest the target audience (20-50 years), and the games are only sold at Target for $999.99. Because of this, the series began to lose popularity, and Nintendo began to lose a lot of money. Nintendo began to panic, so they sold the series to OfficeMax, where there they shredded all the cartridges and then used them for a rabbit's shitting box.
Paper Mario Sixty Four[edit | edit source]
The first Paper Mario game of the Paper Mario series, titled Paper Mario. In this game, Bowser and this other old ass hag steal the Princess Avocado's castle, taking it into space. Bowser also stole this Genie Wand which could grant everyone's wishes, which also made him stronger than Arnold Schwarshitsomethingnagger. And so Paper Mario has to go rescue the Star Spirits who are all over the Marshmallow Kingdom (WTH?), while also saving Princess Turddrool who of course is stuck inside the castle Bowser stole. Also on a side note, there's this little star who goes by the name of Twinkie, and is Peach's imaginary friend who lives with her the entire game.
Mario has to adventure through Turd Town, some ghost mansion, Wet Wet Outpost, and a few other locations. If Mario ever gets lost, he can go see Merlon, who is really just a Dumbledore wannabe who can predict the future. Despite the fact he is seen inside a house, Merlon is actually a hobo. Mario will save a Star Spirit at the end of each chapter, only for them to supernova and turn into a black hole, sucking Mario and his party of a jillion members.
Partners[edit | edit source]
- Goombario - A little ass turd who wants to become a Mario ripoff one day when he grows up, which will be never. He lives in the poor trailer park areas of Goomba Village with his sister and his dead grandpa with cancer, until he runs away and joins Paper Mario on his adventure. Goombario is totally useless, all he does is tell Paper Mario where the fuck he is when he gets lost. Goombario later dies in the game, when Luigi stomps on him on (totally not) accident.
- (Mr.) Kooper - A naked turtle who meets Paper Mario out on the street. He is a gangster who loves to rob people for their mushrooms, and cries to Mario about his story on the time where he got drunk and woke up the next morning with a bite mark on his cheek, and his shell was also missing. Mario later gets his shell back from a Fuzzy, aka Black Cookie Monster, and in return Kooper decides to help Mario on his adventure to Bowser's house. Kooper can roll in his shell and steal things from a far distance.
- Bombette Omelette - A pink girly bomb who probably plays with Barbies and listens to shitty music. Bombette was arrested in 1999 when she committed a hate crime. The following year (when this damn game takes place), Paper Mario ends up getting arrested during his journey due to selling Shrooms to minors. Coincidentally, Mario gets thrown into the same cell Bombette is in, and then the two become friends and vow to escape. They do, and Mario continues on to rescue Princess Eggplant with Bombette. Bombette can explode, because she has serious anger problems.
- Parakarry - Kooper's one out of million Koopa brothers who delivers mail. He is able to lift Mario's fatass up and over pits that could take him to Hell. Mario met Parakarry at the Grand Canyon, where there he lost his letters. Mario went and found them all for him, however, it was later discovered that the letters were all death threats to the White House. Later, Parakarry lost his job and was never seen again.
- Lady Bow/Boo - A green flying bubble who thinks she's such a fancy lady, but in reality she's just a bitch. When the fatass Tubba Blubba puts Ghostbusters out of business by eating every single ghost on the planet, Lady Bow and Mario team up to go stop him, and so they do. Lady Bow can make Mario invisible, which he uses to spy on Princess Peach in the shower, and can bitch slap enemies in battle. That's really all she can do.
- Watt - Watt is some baby sun who was adopted by Mario. She is transgender. Watt was trapped inside a lantern at first, but Mario helps her out while killing himself in the process, or something like that. Watt is also worthless. The only thing she can do is light up rooms that are already lit up. Mario then throws Watt away into the garbage after she burnt his hands for the millionth time. What will Mario use to masturbate now?
- Sushie (aka Sushi) - A purple fish who is a godawful child moles- I mean babysitter. She had to babysit a bunch of Yoshies that lived in Jurassic Park, but instead Sushie went to the bar and got wasted. When she got back, she realized all the Yoshies went into the jungle and all got killed. Panicking, Sushie quickly disposed their bodies and decided to run away with Mario and his large party. Mario used Sushie to ride across many bodies of water, but one problem she faced was she was always on land with barely any water to live in at all. Sushie later died when a Japanese chef kidnapped her and turned her into.. well, sushi.
- LaklieMichaelster - He thinks he's a cool dude just because he has glasses and has a cloud, and smokes weed. Like Kooper, Lakilester likes to get high with his cloud. He has a girlfriend named Lakilulu, that is always PMSing. They break up every two months, and get back together a week later. He likes to go by the names of Michael and Spike. Lakilester is the last partner to join Mario, who is completely overwhelmed, and whenever there's a heap of lava or spikes that can't be crossed, Mario gets on top of him and rides him, while having gay sex with him as well.
Reception[edit | edit source]
The game got fairly good reviews, as many critics rate it a 100/10. However, the game got 0 out of 5 stars by The Lorax, as he claimed it was a giant waste of paper and killed many trees. The game is also hated by many teachers around the world.
Paper Mario 2: That Door from Two Thousand Four[edit | edit source]
In 2004, with the popularity of the first game, Nintendo made a sequel called TDFTTF. In this game, Mario sets out on a quest to find the Plastic Stars in order to open a door from 1,000 years ago, which probably contains treasure or something. Princess Turddrool is now kidnapped by these midgets named the X-Nauts, and of course Mario has to save her once again from this idiot named Grodus and a Windows XP computer who wants to fuck her. Oh, you can also play as Bowser too.
The game mainly takes place in Rogueport, which is considered the west side area where the hoodlums live and the shootings happen.
Partners[edit | edit source]
- Goombella - A shameful Goombario rip off who pretty much has the same abilities as him. Goombario first meets Mario when he saves her from being held at gunpoint. She's arguably the most prettiest person in the entire game, as many Goombas try to flirt with her, which pisses her off. One secret Mario and Goombella have is that they went and did it in an abandoned motel. Nowadays, Goombella works at a ghetto McDonald's.
- Koops - The brother of Kooper (as he has the same exact abilities) who also enjoys getting stoned, and his halfway closed eye proves it. Koops goes with Mario when he goes to Hooktail's castle, in order to see his dead dad again. He also has a girlfriend named Koopie Koo, and of course he always treats her like shit, especially when he's drunk. Koopie Koo later breaks up with Koops and gets with a more handsomer turtle and eventually marries him.
- Madame (Mc)Flurrie - An Aladdin genie rip off with big ass boobs. At first she lost her necklace in Booger Woods, but Mario and Punio, a grey piece of alien shit, found it for her. In return, Flurrie joins in on Mario's adventure, and she can blow away things with her bad breath. She might even have a crush on Mario, but who wouldn't? Because of Flurrie's big ass breasts and flirty appearance, the ESRB gave this game an M rating.
- Mini Yoshi - A baby dinosaur who magically is born with pants to shit in and shoes. He is adopted by Mario in ArmPitzville (a place where Rawk Hawk is popular), when his colorful egg just magically appears on a Hot dog stand. Eventually, it hatches into a Yoshi, but the color is totally up to the game. It chooses whatever it feels like it. Mario can kill the Yoshi with his fatass 240 pounds weight by riding on him, which comes helpful if he needed to get across a large gap, as he also has an ability to flutter jump. He can also eat large ass enemies in battle and turn them into eggs. What baby dinosaur is this?
- Vivian - An emo purple ghost who originally worked with her other ghost sisters, until she runs away and joins the Mario Party, specifically when Doopliss steals Mario's name (don't even ask how or why). The only thing Vivian can really do is make Mario invisible. After meeting her, Mario began to jack off to her every single night, as later on Vivian became a hot DeviantArt model.
- Admiral Bobbery - A pirate old bomb guy who has depression because his wife died. Ever since then, he has never sailed the seven seas again, until Mario drags him into sailing again when trying to go to Bikini Bottom to find a Crystal Star. Bobbery is directly responsible for the death of Flavio. Bobbery can explode just like Bombette can, cause he also has anger issues.
- Ms. Mowz - A wannabe Minnie Mouse who thinks she's so cute, and also wants to be Mario's girlfriend. Trust me, she's not really worth anything.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Many critics say this is the worst Paper Mario game in existence, partially because of it being impossible to beat. According to the CSPC, putting the disc into the GameCube would cause it to unknowingly explode, which caused more than 1,000 houses in the US to be demolished thoroughly. After that incident, the game was recalled worldwide and was considered illegal to purchase or download in many states.
New Super Duper Paper Mario[edit | edit source]
Nintendo released another new Paper Mario game for the Wee, 3 years later. In this game, Mario, Weegee, Peech, and Bowzah try to stop this villain named Count Blehhh, who plans to destroy the entire universe. They encounter some other villains such as Meme, Dimentos, and a couple others.
This game is an RPG, unlike the first two games which were terrible platformers. Mario also has this new cool ability where he can change the world from 2 dimensions into 3 dimensions. The main quest Mario has to do is collect all the Pure Hearts to save the world once again. Or you could just say no at the beginning of the game, and it would be finished already.
Partners[edit | edit source]
In this game, the partners are instead these magical fairies named Pixls. However, unlike the first two titles, where the partners can be seen and changed at anytime, Pixls can only be seen during hallucinations. Mario will have to take as many drugs and Pixy Sticks as he can before Pixls can be used.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Much like the others, NSDPM got great reviews. Barack Obama used the game as scientific proof that the earth was flat, with NASA confirming the rumor after playing it. The writers of Toy Story 3 rated it a 10 out of 5, claiming the ending was sadder than Mufasa's death.
Paper Mario: Polaroid Scar[edit | edit source]
Sometime in some leap year, Nintendo releases Polaroid Scar for the Nintendo 4DS. On the night of the Woodstock Festival, Bowser comes back yet again (this time he's mute) and tries to murder everybody. However, he accidentally pokes a comet which causes six random Crowns to scatter all over the place, with one of them falling on Bowser's head, making him a god from Paper Mario Sixty Four again. So pretty much Mario has to get them back, and that's the story. Oh, and Peach gets kidnapped again. When does this bitch learn her lesson?
This game is totally different compared to the other ones. Here Mario has to collect a bunch of Polaroids scattered all around the world, which could be used in any type of form. You could use them in battles, solving puzzles, and even sticking them on your ass and forehead cause why the fuck not. All the NPCs from the other games are replaced with turds, and the game takes place in Dinkleburg. The wizard hobo also fails to make an appearance, so he can't help you anymore. Solve the puzzles yourself, lazy ass.
Partners[edit | edit source]
The only partner in this game is Kersti, this floating crown who is always on her period. Kersti is a bitch no matter what. She can talk to Mario about the world around him, as if Mario is even listening. Kersti can also take Mario out of the scenery, which is called Polaroidization, and is the primary source used for solving the totally easy puzzles. However, if you use the wrong sticker, then you're screwed. Kersti later dies at the end of the game, but comes back when Satan revives her from hell.
Reception[edit | edit source]
This game is loved by many fans worldwide, and is considered the best Paper Mario game in history as it was presumably a remake of TDFTTF. However, the extreme use of paper and cardboard caused the game to get backlash from schools worldwide. It is banned in Columbine.
Paper Mario: Gay Trash[edit | edit source]
Polaroid Scar was so popular, Nintendo had to go make another sequel. Gay Trash involves Mario travelling to Prism Island, only to find out that the color is being sucked away by the Shy Guys. And these paint stars are missing too. I guess you already know what Mario has to do.
Mario can magically paint the world with his hammer, and the Polaroids get replaced with these battle cards. Warning: Children who can't draw properly or color in the lines cannot play this game.
Partners[edit | edit source]
The only partner you'll ever find in this game is Huey, a floating paint bucket that doesn't even look like he's from the same universe. Really he's just a Kersti clone, but he's a guy so you don't have to worry about That time of the month ever again.
Reception[edit | edit source]
This game was treated fairly, just like it's predecessor. It is the first Paper Mario game to be allowed in schools, and is used to encourage kindergarten kids to color. The game is also sponsored by many LGBTTQQIAAP communities, and it even has Nintendo supporting the Equality Act. Despite the positive reception, ESRB gave the game an AO rating.
Paper Mario: Failing Art School[edit | edit source]
Mario's sixth adventure being a flat loser. This time there's this paper fold weirdo who decides to cause genocide for personal reasons. This game changed the battle system from a card system into a 'circle spinning' game. However this is really easy to understand and if you mess up you should go back to preschool.
Partners[edit | edit source]
The main partner is a very original floating character named Olivia who is related to the main villain. Some other partners are in the game, but they do absolutely NOTHING in battle. I swear that bomb guy deserved to die.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Due to the very poor sales of the Nintendo Switch, nobody actually bought this game. Therefore the only reviews you will find are biased reviews from the YouTube community who all think the game is great. However, the game is criticised for the complete lack of funny dialogue and overuse of convoluted new characters.
Coming Soon[edit | edit source]
These games were confirmed for future release.
- Paper Mario: The Mold Disease (2024)
- New Super Duper Paper Mario 2 (2024)
- Paper Mario: Paper Cutting Massacre (2029)
- Hotel Paper Mario (2032)
- Paper Goombario (2041)
- Paper Luigi: The Millionth Decade Window (2046)
- Vapor Mario (2053)
- Paper Mario: Tree Destroying Since 2000 (2060)
- Paper Mario Sixty Four: Sixty Fourth Anniversary Edition (2064)
- Paper Mario: The Secret of Peach's Panties (2077)
- Paper Mario: Lord of the Paper Rings (2081)
- Paper Vivian (2084)
- Paper Mario: The Scissor Invasion (2099, final game)
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