Prog Rock
“I much prefer Brighton Rock, or Blackpool if I can't get any of that”
“The time between the notes relates the colour to the scene.”
Progressive rock, or Prog rock (not to be confused with Prod rock), was a particularly widespread, genre of music, which is thought to be mostly under control now in the civilised world. Groups such as Pink Floyd, ELP, Genesis, King Crimson, Rush, Yes and the much later Marillion were rife amongst the, pseudointellectual (mainly male) youth, much as the Grunge genre of the early 90's became to deadly effect. Most Progressive Rock bands only lasted a limited time, band members often breaking up due to musical similarities (or in Pink Floyd's case, Roger Waters), except Marillion who defined the Popular Prog Rock genre.
Sometimes referred to as "Prague Rock" due to its roots in Czechloslovakian Folk Music, progressive rock rebelled against the more popular regressive rock, in which artists would work backwards, from material about self actualization, metaphysical ethics and gnoseology, to songs like "Work Sucks", "School Sucks", "I Want My Mommy" and finally "Gurgle Gurgle". In short, progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about God knows what (although it is believed that Jon Anderson knows the meanings of the lyrics of all prog songs ever written).
And remember: if we'd had CDs in 1971, "Echoes" would have been eighty-seven goddamn minutes long.
Origins of Prog Rock
Prog rock was first founded when some racist Europeans decided they had it with that rock music based on "nigger blues" and decided to create rock music based on Aryan classical music. Just like Hitler they were hugely popular at their heyday, but as soon as they tried too hard they were thrown in the trashcan, only to be talked about with shame. Today they mostly hang around dark websites reminsicing about Robert Fripp and Brian Eno's sudden hair loss. Some folks still believe Jon Anderson will lead them back to prog days of yore but Jon (from his hospital bed) has deemed it "Quite improbable and inherently unlikely".
With their love for the flamboyant and theatrical Progressive Rock soon cut a colourful swave through the music scene, as long haired youths nodded knowingly into pints of Guinness and light ales worldwide, whilst discussing the musical virtuosity of Karn Evil 9, or the sheer genius of a 27 minute Mellotron solo, or the sheer genius of a 18 minute guitar solo, or the sheer genius of a 3 second bass solo. Every single progressive band from the heyday used a man named Bill Bruford as a drummer because he thought 4 was 7.
Prog Rock is also known to be the final evolution of Rock music, using over-the-top insane musical composition (which may or may not be influenced by LSD hallucinations) and impossible-to-understand lyrics about moonchildren, tales from topographic oceans or "man-ergs" (confirmed to have been influenced by LSD hallucinations). The lower species called Punk decided to rise against it. Punk defended that each band was supposed to write only one 3 chord song during their carrier, and only change this song's lyrics along the albums. This clashed into a Prog vs. Punk war that lasts to this day, with neither side showing signs of wanting to give up.
Symptoms of Prog Rock
Symptoms include -
- 27 minute song composition (or longer).
- Analogue synthesizers and mellotrons.
- Keyboard solos -especially where they do not belong (you heard me Emerson)
- Playing bass guitar
- ...subsiquently taking over the band andtaking credit for everything the band has written
- Mandolins (see Mike Oldfield).
- "Creative" hair stylings (see here).
- Dressing up in robes, a cape, and a wizard hat.
- Going down to Willow Farm to look for butterflies, flutterbies and gutterflies.
- Singing about hard-hitting themes such as moonlit knights and eclipses, or the warrior of today's Tom Sawyer.
- Possessing an extended vocabulary of big, fancy words.
- Building walls during concerts...big, expensive walls.
- Time signatures unknown to mankind (for example only the shreddergod John Petrucci of Dream Theater knows how to play 69/420).
- Selling out and turning pop in '80s.
If you feel you may be suffering from any of these symptoms we advise you to seek medical help immediately.
WARNING: Latest Research has shown possible links between the spread of Prog Rock and drug addiction. Remember kids, JUST SAY NO!
The Progressive Rock Article Suite I-III
Part I: The Definition
Progressive Rock
What It Is?
It Can't Really Be Defined
Which Leads to Long Battles Boring As Hell Battles Between Morons
"What Is Prog
And What Is Not"
The Truth Lies
Beyond
The Faraway Galaxies
There's Something On The Loose
Yesterday I Found A Moose... Or Should It Be Goose?
Or Geese Or Meese, Caboose Or Cabeese,
The Mice In The Hice, And The Grouse In The House
Which Jumped Over a Fence
Yes, This Doesn't Make any Fuckin' Sense. Anyways, 'Does Anyone Have Any Good Pot Around Here?'
Concentration, Will Be My Epitaph,
As I drawl on a cracked and open snatch,
If we make it, we can all sit back,
And smoke crack
Shine On You Sane Crystal
In other words Progressive Rock is like Drugs, Drugs & Roll, Rock & Roll, Rocks, Drugs and Spam! (see Jethro Tull for more)
Part II: We Are the Children of Eternal Light / The Author Still Doesn't Have Any Imagination to Come Up With Something Funny, Including 'The Cleaning of the Underwear Drawer', and 'Cthulhu's Lament (in $ flat Sergeant-Major, with change)' (The Development section) in 11/8, 9/8, 5/4, π/7, 9/16, 16mm and acid
Guitar solo (about ten minutes)
Synth solo (about ten minutes)
Well, At Least the Keyboardist Must Wear a Cape.
Bass solo (about two seconds/five notes/not at all)
Drum solo (two minutes, nineteen seconds, by law)
Other guitar solo (about fifteen more minutes)
Random jamming with incoherent lyrics about quantum panties, and audible snoring of the Sound Engineer in the background (about twenty minutes)
[[1]]
Part III: The Definition (Reprise in Five)
Progr essiv eRock WhatI tIs?I
tCan' tReal lyBeD efine dWhic
hLead stoLo ngBat tlesB oring
AsHel lBatt lesBe tween Nerds
"What IsPro gAndW hatIs Not"
Coda: T-T-T-T-T-That's All Folks! (featuring vocalist: Porky Pig)
Expressionistic soundscapes (or: the Sound Engineer yawns, farts, scratches his stomach, walks into the playing room, missteps on the dwarfed flautist of the band because of thick smoke covering the room and falls on the drum set cursing like a seaman)
"Well At Least It's Fucking Boring And Corny!" - Mr. Obvious (1974)
(fanfares and fade out)
(unfortunately (or not, depending on your preference,) the recorder ran out of tape 17 minutes before the band stopped playing)
Tabulature
Band: Uncyclopediarium
Song: The Progressive Rock Article Suite Intro
. - palm mute / - slide up to
\ - slide down to ~ - vibrato
h - hammer on b - Bend
p - pull off Suffixes for bend
t - tap f - full bend h - half bend
ph - pinched harmonic q - quarter bend t - tap bend
* - see comment ^ - Hold bend r - release bend
x - Succatto ~ - vibrato bend e - bend with string breaking
S - Stutter g - get bent
, - slight palm mute () - ghost note, sustained note
(X_X) Ghostface Killah note
" - tremolo note <> - Trill
% - pose & - pluck with an eyebrow
U - unintentional action Y - really unintentional action
@ - bang the guitar against the monitor
a - have an acid flashback
q - do something really fucking stupid
! - run in circles, waving the guitar in the air
while uncontrollably picking the strings
u - untie vocalist's hair from strings
T - try to tune the string, unsuccessfully
s - soil yourself on cue and call it avant-garde
F - set fire to drummer
tb - tab the song while performing it
WARNING: Do not try playing the guitar by banging the strings with your nuts!
(silence actually because the guitarist is missing)
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
sound eng: snoring
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
drums: rabadabadam bamdam
e ||-------------------|---------U0--------|-0-----------0-----|-0------------0----|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|---6-----6----6----|---6bf^^^^^r-------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-----0-----0----0--|-----565-65--------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------7----------7|--------4----------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-8-----------8-----|-8-----------Y9----|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|------------U0-----|-------------------|
drums: dumdurum dumdum vocal: D A Ab Wb Щ#
e ||-6\0/7-------------|-5\4---------------|-0-----------%-----|----2--3\2---3-5---|
B#||-------3\0/4\pi----|---4/5-------------|-2U,-3h22Y,--%-----|-----3--4\3-2------|
Hb||-------------------|-----3\i-----------|-0U,----3Y,--%-----|------2----3--4----|
Db||-------------------|--------&5\&4------|-2U.---------%-----|--0-------4---5---T|
A#||-------------------|-------------&3h2--|-0U.---------%-----|---1---------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-0U,---------%-----|-------------------|
sixth string: Zb J# µb @!^#* ouch, it hurts [goes to her mom]
e ||-1\2---4--4--------|-3---5-3-3\2-------|-16h14---10\2------|-24h23-----23h20---|
B#||---2--3-2----------|--4-4-34----3\4----|----15h10---3h4----|-----16h12---------|
Hb||---3\2--3----------|---2--4-------24h23|--------------14h5-|---------7h5--8h6--|
Cb||------4----2-------|----4-5------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||---------5--2------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-----------2-2be | | | |
drums: undistinguishable from line noise audience: [wakes up]
e ||-24-----------!--!-|-!20--------@6--@-@|@Googol@--@--0-----|--Y8--7h3----------|
B#||--23h20---23---!-!-|---!---------@3-@--|-@ | |
Hb||--22---22h20----!--|---!-!!!u----@4@-@4|--@8--@-@ | F|
Cb||---------------!---|-!--!---u---@-2@@2-|--@5-@-@-@---0-----|--Y9h5---7b~e |
A#||---------------!-!-|-!--!---u-----@69--|----@20@-----------|-------------------|
Bb|| | | | |
Bankruptcy
![[1]](https://gamelow.netlify.app/host-http-cache.daylife.com/imageserve/04Y96i17ib8mt/340x.jpg%7Cright%7Cthumb){kind=link}
One common side effect of Progressive Rock is bankruptcy. This can be caused by the following:
- Hiding behind 1 million dollars worth of effects boxes on a stool while high paid session musicians jam right next to you.
- Touring with a 50-piece orchestra
- Utilizing 37 session musicians
- Your band's keyboard player having 27 keyboards and an electronic percussion set-up on stage
- Your band's guitar player having 15 guitars up on stage
- Your band's bassist taking the band over and taking credit (and recieving roaylty) for everything your band writes
- Your band's singer needing those weird expensive costumes
- Your band's drummer using a set that would make Neil Peart hold a garage sale
- Holding a concert on a floating stage in Venice.
- Touring in Japan, Italy and Germany, instead of in your own country, where nobody listens to your music.
- Disbanding 7 times, only to reform after a while with a completely different line-up
Most of this can be alleviated by contracting different viruses such as Punk or Indie.
See also
- Prog Archives
- Progressive Metal
- Kate Bush
- Eddie Van Halen
- Britney Spears
- In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
- Australian Pink Floyd
- Yes (band)
- HowTo:Write a Progressive Rock Song
