Women of the World
In its altruistic campaign to promote diversity within multi-culturalism, Uncyclopedia has launched a massive endeavor to educate ethnocentric Americans as to how well they have it as compared to other so-called developed (but, by American standards, woefully inadequate) countries. This particular article considers women of the world. (For additional articles, completed or in process, refer to the list that appears at the end of this article.)
American Women
The Beach Boys already said it all in their song "California Girls," except that what they say about California girls is also true of all American women, in comparison to the females (one can't, in good conscience, really call them "women") with whom which the rest of the world is cursed:
- Well, East coast girls are hip;
- I really dig those styles they wear,
- And the Southern girls, with the way they talk,
- they knock me out when I'm down there.
- The Midwest farmers' daughter
- really makes you feel all right,
- And the Northern girls, with the way they kiss,
- they keep their boyfriends warm at night.
Because the United States invites (or at least sometimes accepts) people, including women, from all other countries, it has women of all types, varieties, kinds, and colors. In fact, there are so many American women, of so many ethnic backgrounds, that no article, regardless of its length, can do justice to them all. Therefore, even Uncyclopedia has to be selective and show only a fair, representative sample of American women which depicts the average or typical, not the perfect or fantasy, American woman.
Due diligence has been exercised to ensure that the samples shown here are fair, typical, and representative. If anything, Uncyclopedia has erred on the side of caution, selecting women who may not be as good looking and attractive as the ordinary, run-of-the-mill American woman. That's right: the encyclopedia has given the rest of the world's women the edge in its presentation of the women of the world, picking, to be sure, a fair woman but not necessarily the fairest of the fair.
With this caveat in mind, here are a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead that have been judged as being representative of the typical American woman:
Typical Blonde
Although not especially unattractive, this blonde, who has a pleasant, girl-next-door appearance, Norma Jean Baker by name, has some obvious flaws:
- The eyebrows are rather thick and angular
- The skin on the right cheek seems a little coarse
- There is a mole on the upper left cheek
- The chin is somewhat asymmetrical.
Although not a glamour queen, this blonde is attractive in her own way and is regarded as being typical of American blondes in general.
Typical Brunette
Again, this woman, Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell, is not especially beautiful, although she is not unattractive.
- Her face is rather broad
- Her nose is not as small as it might be
- Her lips are too square and flat
- Her forehead is too much like a slab.
She is archetypal of the American brunette.
Typical Redhead
Nothing special, Swedish-born American Ann-Margaret Olsson is cute. Some might even say that she qualifies as pretty, but few would call her beautiful. Like most average American women, she has certain obvious flaws: That hair! Her face is too narrow and too drawn; she's haggard-looking. Because of the delicate chin and relatively small mouth, the upper part of her face seems oversize. It looks as if her face is made of two mismatched sections, upper (ending with the nose and cheeks) and lower (mouth, chin, and jaw).
Anti-American Women
Now that typical American women have been showcased, it may be revealing to show women who may be regarded as typical from other countries. In the process, the reader may determine for him- or herself whether the typical American woman is better looking and more attractive than her counterparts in the rest of the world or not. (It isn't ethnocentric to believe that American women are more beautiful than other women if they are, indeed, actually more beautiful.)
Because there are way too many women in the world to show more than a single, representative woman for each part of the world (Uncyclopedia will use the continents for this purpose), a single blonde, brunette, and redhead will be featured for each of the following continents:
- North America
- South America
- Europe
- Asia
- Africa
- Australia
- Antarctica.
Of course, the same painstaking procedures have been followed to guarantee that the representatives of these continents' blondes, brunettes, and redheads are typical of the average, everyday women who are to be found on each of these continents.
North America
For the purposes of this article, North America is essentially Canada, since, in the interests of ethnocentrism, American (i. e., United States) women have already been considered.
- Typical North American Blonde
As mentioned, the typical American blonde is by no means a perfect aesthetic specimen. She has flaws. However, compared to the typical North American blonde, she is positively gorgeous.
Look at the face of the typical North American blonde. Ugg-glee!
- The hair is flat and lackluster
- The face seems to be twisted
- The eyes do not line up
- The nose is splattered all over her face
- The mouth is an open ripple full of shark-like teeth.
All in all, the typical North American blonde looks as if she is wearing a horror mask.
- Typical North American Brunette
Thank goodness that this monstrosity isn't an American woman.
- Look at the broad, bovine face
- Consider the large, liquid, cow's eyes
- Observe the downturned, snarling mouth
- Examine the heavy jowls
- Check out the bulldog's neck
- Note the hostile, arrogant expression.
If this is the typical North American woman (and it is!), their men would fare better if they switched to bestiality as a means of satisfying their erotic impulses. Woof! Woof!
- Typical North American Redhead
Even worse looking than her blonde and brunette counterparts, the typical North American redhead resembles a necrophiliac’s wet dream! With a face that only her mother could tolerate, the typical North American redhead has more flaws than she has positive assets:
- In general, she looks more like a man (or a male-to-female transsexual who didn’t make it all the way through the transformation) than she does a woman.
- Her eyes are clownish.
- Her nose looks as if it’s been broken three or four times and stuck back (crooked) onto her face with Super Glue.
- She need never worry about being called “cheeky”
- She has a bigger jaw than Jay Leno and Jennifer Aniston combined
- Is she eating liver or are those dark slabs really her lips?
Wow! American women, though not perfect, are looking better and better! Could it be that they are the world's most beautiful women? Judging by the typical women of North America, that could certainly be the case. However, there are still six continents of women to consider.
South America
Okay, stay with us now: if we count Canada as North America and the United States as America, what's left must be considered either Central America or South America, right? Uncyclopedia, in its ethnocentric way, doesn't consider there to be enough importance or difference between the likes of Mexico and, say, Panama on one hand and Peru and Argentina on the other hand to warrant separating these banana republics into Central and South America, so, for the interests of this article, they're all being grouped together as South America.
- Typical South American Blonde
South of the American border, the average woman is uglier than even the ugliest North American woman and far uglier than the typical American woman, warts and all, so to speak.
By South American standards, this Peruvian blonde is considered gorgeous, although most American men would put her on a par with the most unsightly washed-out female drug addict or prostitute. Uncyclopedia’s judges thought that she is a transvestite in a bad wig, finding her repulsive until they were shown a blonde woman that is considered hideous even by South American standards. Her sins against beauty are many and profound:
- The hair is synthetic (or should be)
- The nose is all over her face
- The lips are collagen reservoirs
- Mike Tyson has a better chin
- The shape of her head resembles a squashed watermelon
- Are those glass eyes?
- Typical South American Brunette
It didn't appear possible to the Uncyclopedia judges that anyone--or anything--could be uglier, more hideous, or more repulsive than the average South American blonde--until they selected the typical South American brunette. Centuries of inbreeding will spawn offspring that would have been better off left unsprung, as it were, as this woman from Argentina indicates. A catalogue of her ugliness would itself take the space of an Uncyclopedia article, so, once again, it is necessary to be highly selective in listing her offenses against human decency:
- How does she part her hair?
- Do the pigs realize someone has stolen their tails?
- This girl's obviously on drugs--she has no irises!
- Someone should tell her that mascara goes on the eyelashes, not under the eyes. Who's her cosmetologist, a raccoon?
- She needs to see a dentist (and a barber).
- Her neck must be borrowed from an ox.
- Typical South American Redhead
Just when one imagines that he has reached bottom with regard to the ugliness of the typical South American woman, he discovers that there is a still lower place. It was only with this Brazilian redhead, who is typical of South American redheads in every repulsive feature of her hideous countenance, that Uncyclopedia’s judges finally found a woman (?) who deserves, even if her personal conduct were to be blameless, to occupy the lowest level of hell, as her appearance alone is a sin against God, nature, evolution, and human dignity. How does she disgust thee? Let us count the ways:
- Her head was obviously steamrolled--several times
- If McDonald's painted her eyebrows yellow, the restaurant chain could use them as its golden arches
- What is the meaning of the imbecilic smile? Oh, imbecility, of course!
- Somewhere, a big mouth bass is missing its mouth
- Those teeth could double as replacements for the stones at Stonehenge, should any need to be replaced.
Europe
Maybe, after its thousands of years of history, Europe may be counted upon as having developed some truly ravishing beauties--women so gorgeous that they will easily put their American counterparts to shame. That was what Uncyclopedia's judges thought. Of course, the reader must judge for him- or herself whether the typical European woman surpasses the typical American woman in feminine loveliness. Once again, the encyclopedia's judges have made every effort to be fair in their selection of representative European women and to offset the tendency to favor their own.
- Typical European Blonde
This Swedish woman is typical of the European blonde, so, as far as this category is concerned, it seems that the American representative, Norma Jean Baker, needn't worry about being surpassed in beauty. The Swede offends in countless ways, not the least among which are her:
- Big nose (it could double as a car horn or a duck call)
- Red nose (it could advertise a red-light district)
- The dress (looks like something a clown would wear!)
- Who styled her hair, a cotton candy vendor?
- Isn't she wearing just a little too much makeup?
- Typical European Brunette
Known for their fondness for oral sex, their pastries, their effiminate men, and their anti-Americanism, one would think that the French might be able to challenge American women for the title of most beautiful women, but their blonde representative has set a new low, rather than a new high, in standards of feminine pulchritude. Is there any reason to suppose that a French brunette can do any better?
This French woman is typical of the European brunette, so, as far as this category is concerned, it seems that the American representative, Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell, needn't be concerned about being surpassed in beauty. The Frenchwoman offends in countless ways, not the least among which are her:
- Big nose (it could double as a car horn or a duck call)
- Red nose (it could advertise a red-light district)
- The dress (looks like something a clown would wear!)
- Who styled her hair, a cotton candy vendor?
- Isn't she wearing just a little too much makeup?
- Typical European Redhead
The European women have struck out, it seems, in both the blonde and the brunette categories. If anything, their typical women, so far, have been more hideous than even their North American and South American counterparts. However, one category--the redhead--remains. Perhaps, throughout the thousands of years of miscegnation, incest, and rape that has occurred throughout barbaric Europe while wild hordes pillaged and burned their way across the continent and ransacked the bedrooms of the nations' prettiest ladies, Europe has produced at least one good-looking woman (for the sake of this article, she'd better be a redhead, if she exists at all, because that's the sole remaining category).
This German woman is typical of the European redhead, so, as far as this category is concerned, it seems that the American representative, Ann-Margaret Olsson’s place as the most attractive redheaded woman of the world seems secure at this point. Like her blonde and brunette counterparts, the German redhead offends in countless ways, not the least among which are her:
- big nose (it could double as a car horn or a duck call)
- red nose (it could advertise a red-light district)
- the dress (looks like something a clown would wear!)
- Who styled her hair, a cotton candy vendor?
Asia
Asian women love tattoos, body piercing, and heavily caked-on cosmetics, which they apply according to the principles and guidelines of Feng Shui, past-life karma, and whatever Boy George is wearing or doing at any moment of the day. They also file their teeth when doing so seems appropriate or desirable.
- Typical Asian Blonde
Typically, full-blooded Asians are not blondes, but those who have swapped blood for sex have developed the fair hair that is more typical of their American, North American, and European counterparts. This unfortunate creature, who makes her home in Hiroshima, Japan--one hesitates to demean half the human race by identifying her as a woman--is typical of the Asian blonde in all her lack of glory:
- A cleft forehead that resembles a pair of baboon buttocks
- A nose resembling a river delta during the monsoon
- Boulder-size cheekbones (probably implants)
- Split lip and, most likely, a cleft palate
- Studded upper lip
- Incisors filed into fangs
- A tattooed “beard” (yes, it’s permanent!)
- Slanted eyes (natural)
- Typical Asian Brunette
Unfortunately, as this pitiful thing from Nagasaki, Japan, proves, Asian women do no better as brunettes in displaying what could, only by an almost-infinite stretching of the imagination and a superhuman suspension of disbelief, be called charms. Asian women--no offense, ladies--are just ugly! How, specifically, does this specimen of Asian “beauty” violate the canons of taste with regard to the aesthetics of the feminine face and form?
- Blotchy eyebrows (missing in places)
- An in-your-face nose
- Liver lips
- Mountainous cheekbones
- Hair on her chinny-chin-chin
- Skull like granite
- Pinched eyes
- Blue eyes (suggesting miscegnation)
- Deformed face (probably a result of mutation from the atomic bomb that the United States dropped on her hometown at the end of World War II)
- Typical Asian Redhead
Twice, Japanese women--a blonde from Hiroshima and a brunette from Nagasaki--have failed to usurp the claims of the typical American blonde and the typical American brunette to supremacy in beauty. Perhaps a representative from another Asian nation might stand a chance against the typical American redhead?
Unfortunately, as this pitiful Thai thing, which looks uncannily like the typical Asian brunette but with red hair (all Asians tend to look alike to ethnocentric Americans), demonstrates, typical American redhead Ann-Margaret Olsson need lose no sleep in fear of losing her still first-place status to his loser with--
- Blotchy eyebrows (missing in places)
- An in-your-face nose
- Liver lips
- Mountainous cheekbones
- Hair on her chinny-chin-chin
- Skull like granite
- Pinched eyes
- Blue eyes (suggesting miscegnation)
- Deformed face (probably a result of mutation from the atomic bomb that the United States dropped on her hometown at the end of World War II)
Africa
The Dark Continent is simple as women go. Although they are all typically ugly, true African women come in only shades of one color--black--okay, two colors: black and brown.
Except for fake, peroxide versions, there is no such animal as an African blonde, and redheads exist only in the fevered imaginations of African men who like a little variety in their women (which is why so many dally with Asian and Caucasian women instead of African-American women), so Uncyclopedia, having duly noted this significant deficiency in feminine pulchritude, which, of itself, should cause African women to forfeit all claims to womanly loveliness, shall move on.
- Typical African Brunette
This is a typical African brunette. How does she stack up against Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell, the typical American brunette? She doesn't. Here, for the anal retentive scholar, is a list of the African woman's outrages against femininity:
- Buzzsaw hairstyle
- Blockhead
- Angular face
- Gimlet eyes
- African nose
- Big lips
- High, tight ears
- Shoulders broader than those of Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield
- Giraffe neck
What's not to like, right?
Australia
Australia is the Land Down Under, but, perhaps, with regard to beautiful women, it could come out on top (although, frankly, this possibility seems unlikely).
- Typical Australian Blonde
Although no bombshell, even of the Asian type, this typical Australian blonde is not altogether deficient in loveliness. Her chocolate complexion contrasts nicely with her vanilla hair, reminding one of a slightly older version of Halle Berry as Berry appears as the X-Men's Storm. Perhaps, one may imagine, Berry herself will look much like this typical Australian blonde, despite her mixed African-Caucasian heritage, when she "ripens" a little more. However, even this beauty is no threat, it seems, to Norma Jean Baker, who typifies the American blonde, for the Australian blonde--
- is grandma-old
- has sagging breasts
- frowns (probably because she needs glasses but is too vain to buy them and would rather squint in the sun like a woodchuck or a groundhog)
- has a big gut.
- Typical Australian Brunette
The typical Australian brunette is also no threat to her American counterpart. Although she is likely to catch the eye of someone like Rodney King or Eddie Murphy, most red-blooded men, American or otherwise, would prefer to keep company with a typical American brunette such as Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell. This specimen of Australian beauty, such as it is, although not sinful or criminal in itself for its violations of the ideals of womanly beauty, does offend in these particulars:
- Bare breasts (someone put a bikini top on her)
- Tiny bosom (somebody, please, put a bikini top on her!)
- Wide, wide shoulders
- Brawny build
- Ridiculous necklace
- Stupid topknot hairstyle
- Big gut
- Too much testosterone (needs a shave).
- Typical Australian Redhead
With the typical Australian redhead, the Land Down Under comes closest to Uncyclopedia's idea of a beautiful woman, resembling a gorgeous redhead that has been only slightly disfigured by her Australian ancestry. Although the typical Australian redhead is no Ann-Margaret Olsson or even a Nicole Kidman, she has certain pleasant features, such as her seemingly innocent face, her wide brown eyes, and her sleek, porcelain-like skin. However, despite these beguiling features, she has some flaws:
- Too defined a nose
- A worn look (as if she's been ridden hard and put away wet)
- Unkempt hair
- An unseemly muscularity
- A pronounced Adam's apple, a la Anne Coulter or Sandra Bullock.
Antarctica
Antarctica is too cold for even Eskimo women, so there is no typical Antarctic blonde, brunette, or redhead, the only females on this frozen continent being bacteria which, although they probably look better than some of the women of the world, can’t hold a flame (especially in Antarctica) to the typical American blonde, Norma Jean Baker; the typical American brunette, Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell; or the typical American redhead, Ann-Margaret Olsson.
Conclusion
American women, whether blonde, brunette, or redhead, really are the most beautiful women in the world, ethnocentrism be damned!
Other Articles In This Series
Uncyclopedia has launched a massive endeavor to educate ethnocentric Americans as to how well they have it as compared to other so-called developed (but, by American standards, worefully inadequate) countries. Other articles in this series will include: