Arkansas
Arkansas (pronounced "Arkansaw"), is the only U.S. state that is even less aware of itself than is the rest of the country. The state constitution was drafted in 1992, over 160 years after the state's inception and poverty. The Microsoft Works document containing the constitution is missing and believed deleted.
The state's primary export is methamphetamine or meth, though some civic and business leaders are attempting to revive the state's legacy confederate flag product and moonshine industries. The state also produces many of the most poorly made MySpace pages by obese teenage (thought to be) girls, thereby rivaling Mississippi. It is one of the few remaining states where the ability to read automatically qualifies one for a management position. It is also one of the few states where one's wealth is determined by how many abandoned buses one has out in his front lawn.
Arkansans are often heralded for their tight family relationships. Women in Arkansas are required to remain barefoot and pregnant at all times as this is believed to lead to more and more strong, disease-resistant children. They are also encouraged to marry within the family, making them the leading state for incest which has resulted in additional government funding that they have been about to invest in their meth and moonshine industries, making them one of the wealthier states in the Southern United States.
Early settlement[edit]
Arkansas was largely ignored by early European settlers for being "rotund". However, as pressure began to build in surrounding territories, settlements began to expand into the Arkansas region. Far too immobile to fight in battle or walk along a trail of tears, the Arkansas natives desperately attemped to divine a solution to prevent the inevitable onset of European settlement. It was under the stewardship of their chief Chochochacho that a plan of action was devised. Chochochacho, faced with the threat of permanent displacement, traded the region to the newly arrived American settlers. In exchange the settlers agreed to investment capital toward developing a novel retail concept Chochochacho billed "the big-wigwam store". These stores carried everything from wooden spoons to wooden teeth. An outpost in everything but name, initially these five-and-dime variety stores failed to thrive. Settlers were discouraged by their strange name (big wigwam) and largely hostile Native American retail staff. However, here was where Chochochachoo truly showed his brilliance. He decided to anglicise his operation, refashioning himself as "Sam Walton", his native employees as "Mexican", and the store as "Wal-Mart" (to appeal to white men unaccustomed to wigwams). Under this new management Chochochacho's store began to thrive, slowly displacing smaller settler-run retailers and eventually dominating the young American retail market. So large was Wal-mart's market share by the 1950s that a faulty contraceptive shipment lead to the largest baby boom in American history.
Chochochacho was initially mocked for giving away his people's homeland, yet settlers of the Arkansas Territory would come to understand that perhaps they had been duped themselves. Today, most ancestors of the first European settlers are morbidly obese, however the Waltons are amongst the richest people in the world.
People[edit]
The people of Arkansas are often called hillbillies, red necks, hicks, white trash, trailer trash, Cousin Fuckers, and mysteriously, Tennesseans. Though there are some Arkansans who live in developed cities, many of them live in rural areas where they reside in trailer homes or on the concrete slabs where trailer homes once stood. Arkansas is the only state which measures its population by the average waist size.
Many Arkansans are popularly believed to be products of God, when he was playing Call of Duty 4 and proceeded to fall on some laser beam causing all Arkansans to be completely awesome. However, there are few cases of this which can actually be proven because of the frequency of mail-order ministers indiscriminately marrying anyone willing to provide a blow job for less than $50. This also led to frequent semenating and gay/lesbian marriages, until then-governor Tommy Bahama used a mail-order minister to marry every Arkansan to the South Koreans.
Religion[edit]
According to the 2010 census over 0.5% of Arkansisians are Pastafarian and worship the flying spaghetti monster. According to the 2000 census, 62% of Arkansans now practice a sect of Christianity in which a particular manifestation of Jesus is the chief deity. This god, often called Big Dead Jesus by the faith's practitioners, was inspired by the common sight of larger-than-life statues and crosses. Many Arkansans have come to believe that these symbols are true to scale, and thus think Jesus is a giant who is constantly dying, much like the deities of Norse mythology.
Arkansas Beach Project[edit]
Arkansas was once an entirely landlocked state. But after the demise of Louisiana in the Great Flood of New Orleans in 2005, which was helped along by the Man From F.E.M.A., Arkansas now sports some of the best beach front property this side of Dubai.
All 75 miles of Arkansas' southern border are now covered in beautiful white sand and imported seashells of the finest quality. Thanks to the Hillbilly Association of America's (HAA) "Arkansas Beach Project", the coastline looks as though it has been there for generations. Arkansas is also pleased to now be a Coast Guard proving ground.
Politics[edit]
- Bill Clinton served as the first black governor and resigned in disgrace after being elected President of Washington and the Teevee.
- Mike Huckabee resigned in disgrace after losing over half his body weight and deciding he was a sexually arousing enough to run for President of Washington and the Teevee. Huckabee failed to grow a beard and was forced to select Noel Coward as his running mate, which quickly launched him into the national spotlight.
- Jim Guy Tucker resigned in disgrace after being caught having relations with a whitewater rapid, and possibly Hillary Clinton. Upon entering federal prison he promptly got liver cancer and was released.
- Dale Bumpers resigned in disgrace by getting elected to U.S. Congress, where he became popular for having a last name that every other Congressman thought was his crazy hillbilly nickname.
- Winthrop Rockefeller held the distinction of becoming Arkansas governor by first becoming a disgrace elsewhere in the nation. Unable to deal with the enormous wealth and influence of the Rockefeller name, Winthrop fled to Arkansas where the natives asked him to find oil. Rockefeller strung along the Arkansans for many years, eventually being crowned emperor. Arkansans now believe Rockefeller retired to the moon and will return at Armageddon to battle Satan for the throne of Little Rock.
- Orvill Faubus is Arkansas' earliest remembered governor, and retired in disgrace after a long career of coordinating control of the state with the Ku Klux Klan. Faubus was finally exiled to Argentina after attempting to take control of the National Guard and secede from the Union.
Update: Arkansans elected a new governor, George W.T.F. Bush IV in the typical Southern Conservative Republican way. After the Bush family ruined Texas, Florida, Iraq, Afghanistan and the whole USA ... This is the place. After Arkansas is destroyed, there's always Oklahoma to the west (and Utah).
Chicken[edit]
The People of Arkansas enjoy chicken to an almost unholy degree. They enjoy chicken so much, in fact, that they created Tyson – a company dedicated to fulfilling its chickens' every desire. They need not lift a precious wing, or sound a sorry cluck, and are often found in such states of ecstasy they keel over from their roosts. From the aftermath of these acts, several local recipes were created, including Shake 'N' Bake. Following its success, the Department of Agriculture laid many grants upon food scientists at the University of Arkansas. Decades of research and controlled trails resulted in a breakthrough pioneering method of poultry preperation affectionately named "Beer in the Rear".
Discovery By Pirates[edit]
Arkansas was founded by pirates shortly after the fall of William Turner in the second century. They were believed to be on their way to Kansas but became lost, and claimed "Thar be ArrrrKansas" and forever after the state was known as Arkansas. Though they settled throughout the state, the largest concentration of pirates is in Jasper. Bill Clinton wrote his doctoral thesis on the great pirates of Arkansas.
See also[edit]
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