Brett Kavanaugh

Kavanaugh in 2018, folding his arms candidly

Brett Michael Kavanaugh (born February 12, 1965) is an Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court since 2018. He is the most conservative judge on the Supreme Court, and the true face of conservatism in modern America; conservatives would not be offended by this, because conservative voters are energized by controlling the one part of the government that is not democratic. He has been compared to Aaron Schlossberg, another lawyer who supports Donald Trump (the man who nominated Kavanaugh).

Kavanaugh was infamously accused of attempted sexual assault by five people, over alleged incidents from Kavanaugh's college years. In his defense, Kavanaugh claims these events did not happen and that he was a virgin like Jesus's mother at the time. Detractors of Kavanaugh argue this is not a real defense, and describe him as a manipulative person who cares more about his own agenda than the law. However, Kavanaugh's supporters argue he is a good man who was falsely smeared by the left, and point to his being a carpool and coach for girls' basketball as evidence that he was not a rapist forty years ago.

Genesis[edit]

Brett Kavanaugh was born in 1965 to a virgin woman named Marie Linda Kavanaugh. She was politically a moderate who leaned slightly right and it was believed by his liberal classmates that he was born to stop the women's rights movement. The timing of his near-Valentine's Day birth was not a coincidence and drew attention from his classmates. It turned out that that it was true and it would show on the national stage 53 years later.

Kavanaugh attended high school in Washington, D.C. Despite the fact that it was an elite (expensive), all-boys, 95%-white, private one he was bullied for his right-wing beliefs; he took out his frustration on people by getting into barroom brawls with them and shouting at them for speaking Spanish. In college he (allegedly) tried to rape someone named Debrez.

Supreme Court[edit]

Confirmation hearings[edit]

During the confirmation hearings, Kavanaugh pretended to be neutral by using his static originalist ideology as an excuse. Being one of the least democratic institutions in America, the Supreme Court doesn't have term limits to insulate people from political influences, which is not true because The Donald says so.

Two notable people who voted to confirm Kavanaugh are Susan Collins (a so-called moderate) and Joe Minchin, a conservative Democrat who is slightly to the right of Susan Collins. Right before the election, Democrats who were hoping to tap into people who are undecided moderates donated $20.20 against her Senate bid for 2020.

Sexual assault allegations[edit]

Says Kavanaugh: "I liked beer. I still like beer."

Also during the confirmation hearings, Kavanaugh was accused of sexual assault by four women (and a man who knew a woman). He defended himself saying that he was a girls' basketball coach who coached his own daughters, not to mention his liberal doppelganger had been spotted helping out at a soup kitchen. During these hearings, more than 470 protestors were arrested by the fascist pigs.

Like all other Supreme Court justices, Brett Kavanaugh is a member of an institution that is not subject to popular vote, and therefore is undemocratic. Kavanaugh cannot be voted out by the public, because the conservative Founding Fathers believed that the SCOTUS justices had to be immune from all liberal interference. Republican senators ordered the arrest of protestors merely for disagreeing with Kavanaugh, because they are part of the God/Guns and Oil Party.

Actions[edit]

“It is better to crack open three million cold ones with the boys, than it is to abort one baby at home.”
~ Brett Kavanaugh on his philosophy

It remains yet to be seen what actions Kavanaugh will take as a SCAJ, but one can make a few guesses based on the rulings he has already done and what is known about conservatives in general. It has been speculated that he will repeal Roe v. Wade if he can. If Kavanaugh is successful, the liberal scythes will come for him and demand his resignation; if he does not comply, they will declare him a "vestige", and refuse to give him life immunity because gleaning him goes against the Scythe Commandment of "not killing with malice aforethought". Unexpectedly, he and Amy Coney Barrett threw out Trump's bids to overturn the 2020 presidential election, provoking much ire among their colleague Justice Thomas, who punished the two by denying them access to the SCOTUS's mini powdered donut table.

Kavanaugh often drinks while the Supreme Court is in session, as he's always "liked beer" and "still like[s] beer". When pressed on his drinking habits by the other Justices during what he thought was an intervention, Kavanaugh cited Franklin Pierce as his hero and proclaimed unilaterally that the 18th Amendment to the Constitution was unconstitutional.