Currency
“It's a pity, they don't got coins with my face on it.”
Currency is a substitute for chickens and cattle in cultures where DSL providers no longer accept livestock as payment on past due accounts.
Currency is widely considered to have killed the popular two cows analogy, where exceedingly complex economic principles are reduced to absurdity in order to stifle dissent.
Origins[edit]
Currency was first accepted in 1998, when AOL began emailing customers to inform them that their accounts receivable office smelled like ass, and had been deemed a health hazard by OSHA. In order to stem the spread of bird flu into other AOL offices, AOL began rejecting all payments made in the form of dead chickens.
This later expanded to include live chickens and other dead livestock. AOL still accepts other living livestock, although their policy on zombie chickens and zombie livestock is considered inconsistent and is currently the source of an investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Several other companies banded together with AOL, seeing the immediate benefit in accepting currency. This gave rise to two institutions: the Federal Reserve, commanded by retired Major General Alan Greenspan, victor of the War of Jenkins' Ear, and PayPal, a consortium of mafia lords dedicated to building a fake jewelry racket online.
How it works[edit]
OK, let's say your friend This Guy has a chicken. Now, you only have a cow. Well, let's say you want to eat some chicken. But, you're not sure one cow is worth one chicken, and you don't want to kill the cow and partition it into portion that would be equal to a chicken because, among other things, you don't have a freezer, a smoker, a brine vat, or anything else that would allow you to preserve the remaining meat.
In the olden days your only choice was to beat the shit out of your friend and take the chicken.
Along comes currency.
Now, let's say you've sold several of your cows to a slaughterhouse that processes many cows for sale.
The slaughterhouse gives you something like 20 cow bucks, or dinars, or whatver it is you get when you sell a cow.
Your friend says, "Shit, man! I sold that chicken to slaughterhouse."
So, you go to the slaughterhouse, and they say they sold all the chicken meat to a store. So, you go to the store, and you find an ample portion of dead bird and take that home with you after handing your Mexican pesos to the hot chick at the cigarette counter.
You go home, sit down and eat your chicken. You don't smell of cow, because you got rid of that fucker. You don't smell of chicken (well, pre-processed chicken anyhow). You count the change you got in British pounds sterling and you grin cause you got dollar and you're eating chicken.
Currency Design[edit]
Some modern currencies are printed on polymer, which is basically plastic. Historically most currency has been printed on paper, and this is more desirable than polymer because the paper currency can be used as toilet paper in the event of a hyperinflation.
Current Popular Currencies[edit]
- Dollar (USD) - popular with people who don't speak French.
- Euro (EUR) - popular with people who wish they didn't speak French.
- Iraqi Kalashnikov (KAL) - yeah, right.
- Lira (ITL) - You will need about 1 Billion Lira to buy 1 Euro. Also falls and complains to the ref at the slightest contact with other currencies
- Pounds (GBP) - Value changes based on the weight of the Queen of England.
- Kilos (EUR) - A minor European attempt to provide a decimal alternative to pounds.
- Giant Stone Wheels (GSW)- The ungodly heavy currency used by the citizens of Burkina Faso, which has many purposes. This includes building Stonehenge and killing your enemies in the most painful way imaginable.
- Turkey New Lira (TRY) - The abbreviation should tell you all you need to know.
- Gold Pieces (D&D) - Depending on what version you use either 10, 20 or 100 Silver Pieces.
- Canadian Tire Money (CTM) - Canada's only true currency.
- Pieces of Eight (PO8) - used exclusively by pirates. Exchange rate: eight pieces of eight = one eight.
- Singapore Peanuts (SGP) - S$600,000.
- Uncyclopedian Wilde (☺$) - Most commonly accepted currency. Anywhere. However, due to overprinting from orders by Fearless Leader and his cabal, the exchange rate is 1 USD = 257 trillion Wildes.
- Emperyo ng Pilipinas Peso- The currency that everyone uses if you're poor. Average Exchange Rate: PHP 1=US$
- Dänïsh Krönërs (DÖÖ) - said to have fallen from the heavens in the early 21. century. Exchange rate: DÖÖ 1 = 1 Kings Ransom (KRS).
- Guinness (GUI) - Used in Ireland as pocket money for (little) children.
- Tea (LIP) - Originally called Liptons. Introduced by the Queen in 2009 to piss off European countries which have the Euro applied. Liptons are used in the United Kingdom.
- Pudding (PTS) - Somewhat used to exchange feces that taste and smell like food for real food.
- Semen (SsS) - Currency used from 1990 - present to exchange male fluid for accessories.
- Equestrian Bit (/b/) - Used by ponies starting at 1440 - present to change gold coins for used condoms (Each one costs 500 bits, which /b/500 is equal to $1200).
