Windows XP

Windows XP Evil Edition

The IE pop-up blockers on Windows XP always left something to be desired.

Windows XP, aka NT 5.1.2600, Windows XD or Windows :P is a detestable operating system. It remains Microsoft's "best" system to date, being far superior to subsequent products according to most late adopters.^[1] It had an innovative graphical user interface compared to the bloatware known as MS-DOS, while taking up only 40 gigs of disk space. Its file system interacted fully with more dominant operating systems such as OS/2 Warp and Linux, and it featured enhanced mouse support, although still lacking rat support.

Features[edit]

If you caught a BSOD, you need to insert a quarter to continue. (In Britain, a pound coin will work, if you push hard.)

Production of XP began in 1998 and was completed in 2000. However, Microsoft realized it did not crash enough, so they worked on making it vulnerable, bug-filled, and overall, an unmitigated pile of blue (or green) screens of death.

This radical change in software design came about when Microsoft made a change of leadership, firing Steve Ballmer and Bill Gates in favor of Hull University's Phil Costin as chairman and Jonty the Microsoft call-center janitor as CEO. Mindful of spending the rest of their careers in Anti-Trust Court, Microsoft executives also abandoned their demand that every Windows user also use Internet Explorer, instead shipping a combination of Opera and the less-than-cost-effective Mozilla Firefox. Users who were critical at first have become used to being less well-off financially.

Windows XP also contains a partial implementation of the UNIX OS, making it more stable and easier to handle for the average home user. Although Microsoft states that this is the "WSFU" feature, further investigation shows that that feature is actually called "Windows Shut the F*** Up" and serves to decrease the stability of messaging programs, including Windows Messenger.

It is the only version of Windows that omits the hallmark of Windows since 3.0: the blue screen appearing every 5 minutes, better known as Microsoft 5-minute BlueScreen Technology.

Sales of Windows XP ceased on June 30, 2008 when the XP stock managing server crashed fifteen seconds after Windows Vista was installed on it. Despite this, many people continue to blindly worship Windows XP, believing that all subsequent versions are Satan and that XP is the second coming of Jesus. As such, Windows XP remained the world's dominant operating system for long after it became an outdated piece of crap. Users reported high levels of satisfaction despite one nagging thought: the possibility that it includes code that will render it inoperable, and take the user's files with it, on April 1, 2014.

Service Packs[edit]

Windows XP's unprecedented reliability was contingent on users giving Microsoft three opportunities to tweak it:

Service Pack 1[edit]

To promote Windows Live, this service pack reminds users to upgrade to Windows 2010. This service pack^[2] is compulsory for all Windows XP computers and devices. If not upgraded within 30 days, activating your computer will be disabled so you must upgrade to Windows 2010 "for a better experience".

Service Pack 2[edit]

The Aero layout is seen on the Windows Pregnancy Test Analyzer. The Test is 20% more accurate on SP3.

• The time-saving Typo 1.0 for Microsoft Office lets you auto-create typos.

Service Pack 3[edit]

• Information Security Center 2.0, with the new Windows Defender 2.0 and comments.
• "Aaero", which is a color scheme similar to Windows Vista.
• Internet Explorer updated to a Mozilla Firefox-like Internet Explorer 7, which supports tabbed browsing.
• Icons, images are more detailed. At least anti-alias in the Bliss wallpaper.
• Security holes opened.
• Introduced pieces of government spyware that are undetectable except for mysterious sluggishness.

Demise[edit]

UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

Windows XP becomes suddenly useless

Follow-on Microsoft operating systems, while manically changing the look-and-feel and locations of popular buttons, added no useful features (unless you are a Microsoft Marketing Partner), and added intrusive new programs with which to enhance user privacy. They did include run-time packages that trendy software developers relied on, meaning that you had to upgrade to run just about anything else. Consequently, XP remained dominant, with customers stubbornly unwilling to pay again for the same thing with a rejiggered Start Menu.

In 2014, however, Microsoft devised a marketing coup, declaring that the dwindling base of computers still running XP were suddenly vulnerable to hackers. Businesses faced open-ended threats of lawsuit unless they exercised due diligence, paid Microsoft a new enterprise-wide licensing fee, and conducted months of workshops to retrain employees. Continued use of XP exposed the user to social ostracism. Imagine telling your date you still ran XP!

However, pockets of hold-outs remain to this day, such as those swarthy gentlemen in the library who don't sit at the carrel where the librarian can look over their shoulders but in the corner facing the room. Yes, they are probably viewing child pornography, but there is a chance they are simply checking their investments, without fear of a software crash, using XP.

References[edit]