Wolverine
“A well organized mutant has the right to bear adamantium arms.”
“I know he lives forever, but where does he find the time?”
“At least I can fight Magneto without literally getting my ass handed to me.”
A wolverine is an animal. It is also a strangely-coiffed artificially-produced hamburger hero with great savage teeth and bulging crotch-muscles. The article to hand deals first with the animal and second with its eponymous hero.
Background[edit]
The Legendary Fur-bearer[edit]
Wolverines are descended from giant ground sloths, with the earliest fossil records dating from the Old Oolitic Silurian epoch. They are genetically related to polar bears, pandas, and Brigham Young.
Living in the frozen custard forests of the Canadian Arctic, wolverines prey on almost anything they can subdue. Pouncing on a helpless huckleberry or willow shrub, inserting their penis to create a split cell.
Reproductive Cycle[edit]
The reproductive cycle of the wolverine is different from any other animal. The female is born without a sex-drive. Actually they are born with an 'anti' sex-drive, if you will. Their goal is to NOT have sex . The male on the other hand has one, actually he has twice that of a normal mammal. In order for the male wolverine to carry on the species, he must subdue the female for reproduction. The females usually travel in packs in order to avoid the males, but sometimes, a female is left stranded. At this point, the female has lost, a male will soon come.
At birth, the wolverine tries to eat its mother for sustenance. If the baby wins, it is fit to survive and won't starve, if it loses, it is left for dead.
They are famous for their endurance, their savagery, and their singing. Trappers of the north tell many a tale about the wolverine. For instance, Francois "Stumpy" Arquebois relates the following:
The cold that winter was deadly. I was running my trapline a hundred kilometres from civilization. Mon Dieu, I had not had a full-body massage in many days. It was so bad...Very bad. I had no more vanilla-hazelnut coffee and was reduced to tucking a chaw of Sanka inside my lip each morning. Can you imagine!
One morning I stumbled from my cabin in the pitch darkness. Hardly possible to see my trapline but a blizzard had kept me pinned down for a week and I knew I must check the traps. In a daze I staggered through the powdery snow, whining to myself in my native language, Portuguese.
Suddenly I felt a blow upon my ankle. I had stepped in one of my own traps! I shrieked like a schoolgirl from the excruciating pain, and fell backward into the snow.
Then out of the gloom a horrible form took shape. A wolverine, a huge male fully fifteen centimetres from snout to tail! With a flute-like whistle he sprang upon my leg and sank his savage teeth into my flesh.
Mercifully, I fainted. When I awoke I found that the beast had gnawed my trapped leg off just below the knee. Whimpering to myself in Albanian, I crawled back to my cabin and dressed the wound as best I could. Fortunately I was able to fly my helicopter to a hospital without incident.
I have seen an animal chew its own leg off to free itself from a trap, but this is the only time I have heard of an animal chewing off a trapper's leg. The wolverine is beastly beyond imagining.'
The aboriginals of the far north used wolverine fur to line their yarmulkas, believing it prevented ice-cream headaches when drinking frozen treats like salmon-liver slushies and caribou-eyeball malteds.
The Legendary Superhero[edit]
Wolverine is arguably the most famous Canadian after The Shat-Man, and for similar reasons. They both periodically save the Earth from aliens, psychics and social injustice, and both spend a lot of time thinking about their hair. In Wolverine's case, it was his tuque-head that gave him his nasty temper. And his temper, in turn, eventually resulted in his growing metallic cutlery between his fingers. The awesome true origin of Wolverine was that he was initially a mutated wolverine; until Stan Lee thought PETA would give them shit for animal abuse; so instead he made Wolverine a human medical experiment. No animals were harmed in the making of Weapon X.
Like his totemic animal, Wolverine suffers from being French-Canadian, which means he speaks an incomprehensible mixture of French, English, and Czechoslovakian, and lives on a diet of cheap cigarettes and Pepsi. This makes him popular with the girls. He has had more sex than the rest of the world's male superheroes combined, and has killed more people than all the villains; Galactus even considered making him his fork.
Wolverine was born in 1832, where he went on a series of hyper violent and politically incorrect adventures into the old west with Marvels forgotten cowboy comics characters, before getting amnesia and living the life of a native american named Smoking Wolverine. Wolverine petitioned the government along side his adopted tribe for the return of their heroic ancestors adamantium skeleton, which he discovers is actually himself from the future after accidentally touching Uatu the Watchers time machine whiles house sitting for him over on the blue region of the moon.
Despite the limited success of The Old-Timey X-Men in the States, Wolverine's news paper strip adventures only became popular in Canada when he lead forces in WWI and WWII, slaying many Germans each time around; as seen in the opening credits to X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don't bother watching the rest. When the VA wouldn't recognize his legitimate claims of having his spine crippled multiple times, he managed to amass a small fortune as a civilian by using his mutant healing factor to run insurance scams, getting workman's comp for getting into horrific accidents on the job and throwing himself in front of cars to get out of court settlements. Eventually they'd catch on though and he'd get run out of town by an angry mob.
Weapon-X[edit]
Logan was picked for the shadowy government black ops Weapon-X Project because he chose an alternative lifestyle of hard fighting, hard drinking, hard candy, and hard knocks. The project bound adamantium to his bones, strapped oculus rift to his face and made him a nutter with false memory implants. Although they had some of the world's greatest scientists involved, being scientists, they were completely oblivious to the existence of vampires or else they could have just tried to bind the adamantium to Dracula, Dracula's definitely survived worse things than having his bones covered in molten metal before. Although...an adamantium skeleton would probably get in the way of him turning into a bat or a cloud of mist, so he'd actually just get worse from it not better, assuming it even worked, a slightly less powerful vampire would still do the trick though. However than Blade would have just showed up and murdered everyone in that facility for spreading vamperism, maybe that's why; but if that's true that means the government's officially more afraid of Blade than Wolverine, which is just bad math when it comes to body count.
This augmentation later made Wolverine a prime candidate for the X-Men...a group of super powered and depressed teenagers, although Wolverine was at least 100 years old. Wolverine only looked young, due to Peter Pan Syndrome: refusing to grow up. It was later learned that Wolverine himself was behind the Weapon-X Program and that it was his idea, along with the fake memory implants and everything else in Wolverine #312 by order of Jeph Loeb. He was already a nutter before the program, most of that was from Wolverines time in Vietnam, he just used the program to make himself think he was tortured into becoming a nutter to forget all the hamlets he torched to the ground. He also found out he was more than 100 years old, and by refusing to grow up and staying in Never Never Land he was able to stay young and get nookie from young red headed women at teaching institutions his entire life; in this sense, Wolverine is basically Van Wilder.
Weapon FOX[edit]
Fresh off the gun violence of Batman the Animated series, Fox wanted to appeal to it's melee weapon demographic with a series about a man with knives for hands and his living weapon friends. The X-men widened televisions gene pool introducing novel new phenotypes to Saturday morning cartoons, like season long story arcs and women who could blow crap up and fly. Jubilee Rogue and Gambit time traveled into classic story lines featuring Wolverine Nightcrawler Colossus and and Storm from the 70's and those other people from the 60's and bad asses from alternate futures of the 1990's, Cable and Bishop.
Back in 2000 audiences just didn't trust live action superheroes movies, Blade had to hide the fact he was a marvel character from the world with non descript black leather and shades. The X-Men were trying to put there days of fighting Street Fighter as a colorful rainbow of recognizable toys was behind them, now everyone dressed for a funeral all the time, despite the fact there were more mutants than ever before.
So Fox, decided on a series of Wolverine and X-Men movies after the success of black leather clad ninjas in the Matrix. In "Wolverine 2: Electric Bogaloo" was about Wolverine coming to terms with his fake memory implants and adamatium skeleton and claws that made him weigh half a ton, and he made a living by break dancing in the 1980's after he couldn't make a living disco dancing in the 1970's. For some reason the government can't track jet aircraft or cellphone signals, some cool new mutant power or something, maybe.
In the Last Stand Wolverine doesn't really have the option to cure having a poisonous metal bound to the skeleton that comes out of his skin so, he gets the subplot of killing Jean Grey as Phoenix and non ceremoniously becoming the main character officially as cyclopes dies off screen. In an effort to branch of the franchise into solo X-Men movies, X-Men Origins: Wolverine explores Wolverines forgotten earlier years with Weapon X. With a mute Deadpool thrown in, the audience longed for Logan's amnesia of this helicopter crash of a film, assassinating the X-Men's shots at solo carriers.
"X-Men: Second Class" was made and he was cast in the role as himself after not being able to make it in break dancing he was recruited by the X-Men to be a janitor while Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Iceman, Beast, Angel, and Professor-X formed their original team of teenage mutants as they fought "Magneto and his League of Evil Psychotic Nutter Not so Teenage Mutants" including The Blob, Mystique, The Toad, Unus the Anal Retentive, and some supermodel from Brazil in a skimpy bikini who had the mutant ability to become a distraction.
After this point the X-Men movies become a bizarre incoherent mess of continuity involving time travel and different actors, parts of the second one aren't cannon because 3 and 4 are so bad. In Days of Future Past Wolverine time travels from the future to prevent Mystique from killing the creator of the sentinels in the 70's which is why they weren't around in the first 3 movies, maybe In The Wolverine Logan finally fights ninjas and a robot samurai, haunted by the memory of killing Jean Grey from the third one, however that gets undone by Days of Future Past so it doesn't matter. In Logan he finally get's that R rating for his third stand alone Logan's Run., where he runs to the border.
X-Men[edit]
Wolverine became known as the perpetually angry and disgruntled member of the X-Men. He kept to himself and sulked in corners, drank more than a few livers, and smoked massive blunts with maple syrup. This behavior gained the televised version of Wolverine a lot of popularity in the teenage ratings. For the annual Christmas special, Wolverine visits the mobster that killed his wife and removes another of his body parts.
Wolverine was replaced by Ashton Kutcher when he realized he was the star of the show Wolverine was holding out for more money and a faster car before renewing his contract with the X-Men. However after the fall of the Cylons Wolverine returned to earth and killed his doppelganger, however not before it somehow impregnated Ms. Gray.
Wolverine thought he had killed his arch rival Sabertooth once and for all, later learning it was a clone made by Romulus who he thought was behind the Weapon-X program. After meeting up with Remus the red haired twin sister of Romulus, she revealed to Wolverine that big hairy mutants with claws and healing factors are more common and that he is over a thousand years old and Romulus and her are older than that. After fighting Remus Wolverine went after her twin brother Romulus in promise of killing him, only to learn that Romulus had a Weapon-X tank to put vibranium in his bones and claws guarded by Sabertooth. After beating Sabertooth, Wolverine faced Romulus only to learn that his entire life had indeed been a lie of fake memory implants and that the Weapon-X program was Wolverine's idea including the fake memory implants that turned him into a nutter. That Romulus was his great great great grandfather, and that these mutants with wolf like abilities of claws and healing factors and whatnot of nutter problems and fake memory implants are his family. The shock made Wolverine such a nutter that he joined The Republican Party of the USA, and put his support behind Mitt Romney for US President in 2012, and then joined Bane Capital for some Corporate Raiding to downsize jobs. Wolverine eventually came to his senses and rejoined the X-Men after Spiderman joined the Obama re election campaign and the two had a heated political debate fighting atop the ruins of a Mayan pyramid only to discover it was none other than their old foe Igloo wearing a clever disguise and hiding in the Yucatan, where no one would suspect him. Putting their differences aside they defeated The Igloo and Wolverine remembered there was more to life than politics.
Termination from X-men[edit]
During 2008 while supporting the Republicans Wolverine was signed into a movie deal discussing his origins. After explaining his tragic childhood, Hollywood decided it was boring and came up with a fictionalized version. The film flopped and the X-men were so disgusted by the two hour long army commercial that Professor X was forced to terminate Wolverine due to many student and faculty anti bore protests. Police were called to the home to remove him, but with most cops beings the bigots they are instead reported the X-Men's location and the whole team was attacked by Sentinels, and most of them were killed. Wolverine managed to escape and fled back to Hollywood to seek other acting deals. He found a job as a robot boxing manager in "Real Steel". In 2012 he rejoined the Republican Party again to support Romney after discovering that he himself Wolverine was behind the Weapon-X program and had given himself fake memory implants, to make him even more of a gung-ho nutter and climb to the top of the Republican party.
A few years later he rejoined the X-Men. The dark lord Rupert Murdoch sitting on is dark throne, was not pleased with the failure of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, realizing Wolverine worked better as a loner than a leader and didn't need to carry the dead weight of his teammates he tried launching his solo career once in Japan for The Wolverine. All they had to do was adapt that time his wife was murdered and have him kill a million ninjas, it should have been a recipe for instant success, using ingredients that even a ten year old could put together and turn into something palatable while doodling during history class, pretty much the microwave macaroni and cheese of superhero blockbusters. But no, Fox couldn't even do that right, and Wolverine's quiet vacation away from the X-Men turned out to be largely forgettable, even without a mind wipe from Professor Xavier or Weapon X.
You see a deal with Marvel/Disney stated that if they didn't make movies in a certain amount of time, the rights would go back to Marvel/Disney, so Fox once more had a hung over Bryan Singer phone in yet another half assed adaptation of a classic storyline, choosing this time to ruin Days of Future Past, making Wolverine the main character instead of Kitty Pryde figuring no one watching was old enough to have actually read the comics it was based on anyways, while strangely setting it in the 1960's and making Professor X Magneto and Mystique take on the roles of those other characters that no one's heard of. Because if there's one thing a two hour long movie about an overcrowded classroom needs, it's a reunion to divide up the screen time into infinitesimally small snippets of cameos.
Four Horsemen Guitarist and Chef[edit]
Recently, a shape shifting Skrull replaced Wolverine, and Wolverine took up a job as Death (one of the Four Horsemen, a retro-rock group of the '80s). In the Four Horsemen Wolvy played rhythm guitar and sang backup. He intended to use the music of the Horsemen to get revenge on the X-Men... but his arch-enemy Sabretooth released an album of banjo covers that skyrocketed to the top of the charts and destroyed Logan's chances at rock glory. "Snikt, bub?" Logan was overheard to say. Soon after, he said something about being the best at something, but Sabretooth was the one holding a platinum record, so you do the math. In between gigs Logan works as a chef, though customers often complain about the copious amounts of blood running down his claws and onto their meals.
See Also[edit]
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