Y'know, I sometimes wonder what happened t' th' universe. Like, how'd everythin' get so goody-fraggin'-goody? 
- — Lobo
Lobo (Volume 2) #1000000 is an issue of the series Lobo (Volume 2) with a cover date of November, 1998.
Synopsis for "Lobo's Last Job"
A sideshow barker draws in a crowd of aliens tourists, promising them a glimpse of the oldest man they will ever see. A being that once indulged in every vice the universe had to offer before the utopia they reside in now was born. The crowd pay their thousand credit entry fees and enter the steel doors that hide the 83,000-year-old Lobo locked in a cage, swigging beer and smoking cigars as usual, but with a little less hair and a lot more stomach. The small aliens start heckling the once great bounty hunter and he approaches the bars, gritting his teeth. The barker assures the spectators that Lobo's confines will hold him, but the angry, fat Czarnian rips the door from its hinges and chases after the insulting twerps. The barker screams at them to flee, and that the only thing that will placate him is money. The terrified audience runs from the spectacle tossing their cash behind them.
As the barker eagerly counts up the daily takings they duped out of their gullible clients, Lobo complains about how degrading his new position is. The two are interrupted by a gorgeous redhead who offers Lobo a job, one billion credits cash to capture the infamous Malo Perverso. The two look at her incredulously, explaining that Malo Perverso is just a myth to frighten children. The woman dismisses their doubt and informs them that she knows he's real for a fact, seeing as they were former lovers. Lobo accepts the deal and takes the briefcase of money. Once the voluptuous employer leaves, the barker demands his 40% agent's fee. Lobo grabs the barker's hand and tells him he now has his five fingers and gives him two back, straight in the eyes.
After centuries of bounty hunting being made illegal by the Justice Legion, Lobo finally has a paying gig and a reason to get back out in the universe. He walks past a group of aliens dancing happily and he lobs a grenade in the middle of them for fun. They scatter in fear and Lobo chuckles to himself, knowing the grenade is a dud since weapons were outlawed long ago, too. Reminding himself the Justice Legion confiscated his possessions a thousand years back, he heads into the nearest joint for a drink before retrieving them.
He proudly announces himself to Al and Darlene as he walks into Al's Diner Idea, which no longer sells food, just the idea of the experience. Disappointed with technological advances of the 853rd Century, Lobo at least notices the teleporter. Al tries to explain that it's for inanimate objects only, but Lobo ignores his warnings and disappears in a flash. Al wonders who in their right mind would even hire such an obese monster, to which Darlene confesses to saving her tips to be able to get him up and working again, restoring his self-respect. The holo-disguise allowed her to send him on a never-ending quest to hunt down a man that doesn't exist.
Lobo is molecularly transported inside the tesseract that houses all of his illicit weapons, including his hawg and his trusty hook and chain. With his armaments regained, Lobo attempts to shoot his way out of the tesseract, to no avail. Through sheer will and brute strength, Lobo manages to tear a hole in the fabric of reality to escape the pocket dimension, leading him directly into the Intergalactic Headquarters of the Justice Legion Wanna-Bes.
He interrupts Wanda Woman and her comrades as they prepare to monitor a mass mind-meld on the Magellanic Clouds, asking them where he can find Malo Perverso. Wanda Woman recognizes the villain from days long past and cites that it is against the law for him to be in the vicinity of an info-transfer. Lobo feels insulted by the super dweebs and pulls out his hook, which disintegrates in his hand with centuries of rust. He opens fire with his spacehog instead, but the ammunition is useless against their advanced personal forcefields, so he hurls an anti-personal forcefield mini-nuke which scatters pieces of heroes around the room. Clayman exclaims the mind-meld is beginning, and elsewhere on the peaceful Mangellanic Clouds, the citizens absorb the thoughts and feelings of the peoples of the Orion Cluster in a harmonious exchange until Lobo's malignant thoughts are picked up also, inciting violent riots.
Back at the JLWB HQ, Lobo searches for Malo Perverso in their files, only to have the outlaw sneak up right behind him. Bullets are useless against the two maniacs and they switch to blades instead. The savage hand to hand combat comes to a close once the fearsome combatants simultaneously shove grenades in each other's mouth. Momentarily stunned by the blast, Lobo is brutally stabbed over and over by Malo Perverso with a large drill, leaving it lodged in his skull with the final blow. Lobo raises his leg to fire a secreted missile from his boot which hits Perverso at point-blank range. The outlaw's mutilated arm turns to clay, followed by the rest of his body, revealing Clayman to be a fraud. Lobo molds Clayman into a ball, demanding to know where the real Malo Perverso is. Clayman gives in, saying he fled through the Doomstein Black Hole five thousand years ago, and Lobo punts the putty into the wall.
With nothing to lose, Lobo leaves the feel-good horror the universe has become, and speeds directly into the Doomstein Black Hole, emerging in another dimension inhabited by green, winged demons which he hacks his way through, deciding this new reality is going to be fun.
At Al's Diner Idea, a package materializes in the teleporter. Al investigates, hoping it's not a complaint about a bad idea. The note attached is addressed to Lobo, from his friends in the Magellanic Clouds. Al and Darlene sprint for the door and narrowly escape the explosion.
Appearing in "Lobo's Last Job"
Featured Characters:
Supporting Characters:
Antagonists:
- Malo Perverso (Mentioned only; appears as Clayman in disguise only)
- Machination (Mentioned only)
- Johnny Macho (Mentioned only)
- Mad Magee (Mentioned only)
- MacGuyveur (Mentioned only)
Other Characters:
- Justice Legion Wanna-Bes
- Wanda Woman (Single appearance; dies)
- Kaptain Karate (Single appearance; dies)
- Clayman (Single appearance)
- Greased Lightning (Single appearance; dies)
- M.A.R.T. (Single appearance; dies)
- Barker
- Dawg (Cameo; deceased)
- Justice Legion (Mentioned only)
Locations:
- 853rd Century
- Al's Diner Idea (Destroyed)
- Justice Legion Wanna-Bes Intergalactic Headquarters
- Magellangic Clouds
- Doomstein Black Hole
- Orion Cluster (Mentioned only)
Items:
- Alcohol
- Weak Booze
- Strong Booz (Mentioned only)
Vehicles:
Notes
- This issue is reprinted in the DC One Million Omnibus.
See Also
Recommended Reading
- Lobo Recommended Reading
- Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious (Volume 1)
- Bob, the Galactic Bum (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 2)
- Lobo: A Contract on Gawd (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Death and Taxes (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Highway to Hell (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Infanticide (Volume 1)
- Lobo/Mask (Volume 1)
- Lobo's Back (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Unamerican Gladiators (Volume 1)
- Lobo Unbound (Volume 1)
- Lobo (One-Shots)
- DC One Million
Links and References
[[Category:DC One Million|Lobo Vol 2 {{#pad:1,000,000|4|0}}]]
