Eric Clapton
Eric Patrick "Slowhand" Clapton (born 30 March 1945) is The Living God Almighty As Detailed By Stoned (But Not So Persecuted Otherwise) Prophets an English blues musician known for having one of the sickest guitar tones of all-time. He has played with artists such as John Mayall's Bluesbreakers, The Yardbirds, Cream, Blind Faith, Derek and the Dominoes, The Beatles, and B.B. King, and had a slightly diminishing solo career of adult contemporary cheesefests.
While Clapton never claimed any supernatural abilities, only the true Messiah denies his divinity there was considerable graffiti in London due to his followers which simply stated that he was God. The writers of the graffiti may have been stoned at the time (and boy were those prophets stoned), but Clapton does have considerable talents, not too shabby for a deity that actually is real, unlike those of other religions.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Upon birth, Clapton was immediately knighted by the Queen. After first picking up a guitar at age two, he was made a lifetime pier of the realm, and invited into the House of Lords. As soon as Clapton started to write the first few lyrics of "Tears in Heaven" at age four, he was contacted by then Prime Minister Clement Attlee who issued the following statement:
| “ | Dear Eric,
This has gone on quite long enough, and to be honest I just feel more than a bit silly sitting here trying to run the country when obviously you should be doing it. I have enclosed the keys to number 10 Downing Street and have myself moved into the dustbin in the garden by way of apology. |
” |
Musical career[edit | edit source]
When Clapton arrived in Downing Street, he played the two opening bars from "Layla" and instantly unemployment in the United Kingdom dropped to zero percent, poverty completely disappeared, and the band Status Quo promised not to release any more albums. Having solved all of Great Britain's problems in five seconds, Clapton popped into the office of the United Nations and played "Let It Rain", after which magical rain poured and solved global warming, tempered capitalism, and actually managed to get Mariah Carey to shut up, albeit for a short time.
In 1991, Clapton's four year-old son Conor fell out of the window of Clapton's 53rd story window after Clapton was dared to drop kick the nearest thing he saw.[1] The tragedy inspired Clapton to write the song "Tears in Heaven", a song that can make even the strongest of atheists tear up.[2]
Challenging God[edit | edit source]
When Clapton completed the musical score of "Wonderful Tonight" at age 7, he received a challenge from God, who was jealous of his incredible talent, to a guitar battle. Clapton accepted, assuming that the Lord of the Universe would be a suitable challenge. However, God cheated, and instead created Herman Li as an opponent, who could play one billion notes per second. However, because the guitar battle was a live one, rather than a studio recording, Li could instead only play five notes per minute, and when Clapton played his first note, Li wet his pants. Clapton was declared the winner.
After the dominant victory, Clapton received the following telegram from God:
| “ | Dear Eric,
I just can't take it any more. I have been trying to sort out all this shit out for years, and those bastard humans just keep fucking it up no matter who I tell to kill who. I just can't play the guitar as well as you, and so have left the keys to the pearly gates under the mat. Please try and remember to feed Gandhi, but watch that fat bastard Buddha, he keeps eating all the pies. |
” |
Despite feeling slightly embarrassed about the whole thing, Clapton finally agreed to take up his seat as the single omnipotent being of the universe. Everyone enjoyed peace and tranquillity for a short time while Eric gently played in the background. Black holes decided to stop sucking solar systems into them, and supernovas just could not be bothered with all the fuss. Unfortunately, order came to an end and the usual chaos returned when the 1990s finished and Eric was forced to spend most of his time trying to stop Prince from making another career comeback.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Clapton's wife (Pattie Boyd) married George Harrison, or vice versa, a few times. Despite Clapton and Harrison being best friends, he fancied George’s wife strongly for years to come. George and Eric once had a guitar battle just for Pattie—Eric won, of course—Some of this emotional saga is documented in Clapton's song "Layla", and Harrison's bitter cover of "Bye, Bye Love". The song "Wonderful Tonight" is also about her, and while it sounds like a beautiful song about a young couple going out for a night on the town and enjoying the best in life, it was actually about him being sick and tired of her trying on clothes and could they just fucking leave already, they were going to be late!
Clapton had a small drug problem, as evident by Beatles' song "Savoy Truffles" and his own song "Cocaine". But remember, the Jews wanted Jesus to be stoned for blasphemy too. Reportedly he is clean now.
White nationalism[edit | edit source]
Clapton, who made his fortune playing music created by black people, was supportive of the English Birmingham-based racist Enoch Powell. He is reputed to have said in concert while extremely drunk in 1976:
| “ | Vote for Enoch Powell. Enoch's our man. I think Enoch's right, I think we should send them all back. Stop Britain from becoming a black colony. Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white. I used to be into dope, now I'm into racism. It's much heavier, man. Fucking wogs, man. Fucking Saudis taking over London. Bastard wogs. Vote for Enoch, he's our man, he's on our side, he'll look after us. I want all of you here to vote for Enoch, support him, he's on our side. Enoch for Prime Minister! Throw the wogs out! Keep Britain white![3] | ” |
Rivals and revelations[edit | edit source]
- Jimmy Page once tried to assassinate Clapton in his sleep with a razor sharp plectrum. Clapton woke up just in time and managed to hypnotise Jimmy Page by playing Bellbottom Blues. Jimmy is still under one of Clapton's hypnosis spells to this day.
- Clapton once challenged Chuck Norris to a guitar duel. The duel lasted a year after which Chuck was disqualified for using cheat codes.
- In the apocalypse, every guitarist that ever lived will group together and challenge Clapton to a duel. Clapton has teamed up with Jimi Hendrix and the two have been practicing for the event for some time. Hendrix has admitted that because he is dead he might not be as good a guitarist as he once was. Clapton has taken this into consideration.
- Clapton once challenged Sauron's forces, Saruman's forces, Hitler's Storm Troopers, The Imperial Storm Troopers from Star Wars, and Bernie Madoff to a duel to bring balance to the space time continuum and end evil once and for all. Clapton defeated all of the fiends with the help of his friends in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by playing Yellow Submarine, but he allowed Bernie Madoff to live to tell the tale of the epic battle before Clapton ascended back to heaven.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Would it be in bad taste to say that he won that game?
- ↑ Even if you don't believe in a Heaven, it's still a beautiful piece of music. Indeed, the truly ascetic depiction of heaven proves Clapton is from up there.
- ↑ http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Eric_Clapton (I know, it's Wikiquote, but his words did inspire the Rock Against Racism organization and other movements)
