Highlander (film)
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Yer article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it. |
“There can only be Juan!”
“He's immortal!”
“The Highlander was a documentary and the events happened in real time”
Highlander is a 1986 historical drama film directed by Russell Mulcahy and based on a story by Gregory Widen. The film has been praised for its historical accuracy and realistic portrayal of several different periods in Scottish history though groundbreaking cinematography using a Sony camcorder.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The main character named Connor McClown son of Nairn is pissed that William Wallace is totally more popular than he is so he picks a fight with a bunch of extras from Braveheart and totally gets stabbed in the face and dies.....or does he??? Yes he does die actually but only to come back to life and be accused of witchcraft after he is caught making out with Sabrina, a well known teenage witch. Connor is then kicked out of the mountains and forced to wander on his own until he meets a creepy man who resembles Sean Connery but is dressed as a gay pirate. Using the power of gaydar this Scottish speaking Spaniard from Denmark teaches Connor how to walk underwater. Then some other things happen and like Connor falls in love and shes probably killed by John Stewarts frankenstein looking brother who also kills the ruffled sleeve wearing Spaniard to the relief of everyone. Then flash forward to 1986 New York where Connor has just cut the head off of a valet in the parking garage after he discovers his Mazda Miata has been scratched. Connor falls in love again and fights Frankenstewart and wins, but just when he thinks hes the last of his kind Pat Sajack shows up fade black and prepare for a sequal.
Original audio track (1987)[edit | edit source]
Misleading Highlander Facts[edit | edit source]
Many different sources claim that there can be only one, but this is completely false. There is actually a multitude of highlanders and, when observed from a safe distance, it becomes clear that they have an overdeveloped ability to utilise curse words. It is a common myth that these have no detrimental effects on innocent bystanders. However, manipulating the correct lexical crudities, a highlander becomes empowered with the ability to crush a skull at 50 meters. The famous blood-bath after the announcement of the foot and mouth cull claimed many victims - they were all Welsh and English though so nobody cared!
It is also false that one can only be born a highlander. It is also possible for one to become a highlander later on in life. The process usually involves some sort of freak accident at a restaurant where large birds are present. The other way is to take the Highlander compass test, which involves jumping off a cliff. In theory it is also possible to become a highlander by killing a highlander and taking his kilt. However, as only a highlander can kill another highlander this would be a pointless act.
Moreover, the Highlander was indeed a fake Highlander, being a frenchie who didn't know much about sword fighting. Reality bites, eh?
History[edit | edit source]
The first known Highlander, Steve Tennis, was made that way due to a freak accident involving tacos and a rather large ostrich. As history progressed, many highlanders rose from the bloodline of Steve, to finally create Bruce Campbell of the Campbell clan (the well known 'soupermen'). In the 3000's 7 highlander kings rose to rule Benmark.
Highlanders and Sex[edit | edit source]
It is a well known fact, that has been demonstrated in three of the four documentaries, that once discovered to be a highlander, women will immediately have sex with you. This has prompted a large wave of deaths as many men stabbed themselves in front of women to get them to have sex with them. This rarely ever works out as there is only a small amount of women willing to have sex with a dead person. But if you are a highlander, feel free to stab yourself in front of as many women as you wish, as you cannot die, and they will immediately have sex with you for no reason.
AKS 8393[edit | edit source]
Although his time in the kingdom of Benmark was short, due the lack of updates and a weak firewall, he had a very influential time as the Highlander of Benmark. Such things came into effect:
1:Changed The National Anthem to "Mr. Roboto"
2:The handshake was replaced by the robot.
3:Gained popularity with the youth of Banmark with his "Drugs? OK!" campaign.
4:Eventually lost respect when he devoured an emo kid in the town square and proposed that this must be the way to solve the taco famine.
5:and Finally he just hopped away on his new iSpring
Highlander Sequels[edit | edit source]
There were Several Sequels to the original documentary, and Spoiler alert: They all sucked. (except for the TV Show)
Highlander II: The Fartening[edit | edit source]
A sequel to the documentary was made called "Highlander II: The Fartening." It made no logical sense yet the events still happened in real time as in 1999,2056,and sometime in the first movie. Another place that is mentioned in the docu-sequel was the planet zeist thus confusing people even more it was clear that this documentary was a rushed docu-sequel and thus never existed. When a highlander was asked about this docu-sequel he responded "there should have been only one".
Highlander III: The Final Buttfucking/ The Wizard[edit | edit source]
An alternate sequel to the documentary was made called "Highlander III: The Final Buttfucking," AKA "Highlander III: The Wizard." This sequel made more sense except the fact that Harry Potter was the antagonist, also still making no sense. By the end of the Docu-Sequel, Mcclown beheaded Potter, finally becoming mortal. When a highlander was asked about this docu-sequel he responded "once again, there should have been only one, but at least this one makes more sense".
Highlander: The Series[edit | edit source]
A TV Series aired from 1992-1998. And took place after the first one, despite it already being established in the first documentary that Connor Mcclown was the last immortal. This series followed the adventures of Connor's fellow clansman, Duncan Mcclown, as he battled other immortals and an organization simply called "The Watchers," who just watched immortals. The series was loved by many, but the 6th season of the show was filler. The Series featured many celebrity cameos of different backgrounds, such as Roger Daltrey, Dave Mustaine, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Ted Nugent, Your mom, and Donald Trump.
Highlander: The Robin[edit | edit source]
A sequel/Spinoff series aired in 1998-1999 called Highlander: The Robin. This show was bashed because it included Superheroes like Batman and Superman.
Highlander: Startgame[edit | edit source]
This documentary served as a sequel to the first Highlander and the Highlander TV Series. It was considered as mildly confusing by those who didn't watch the TV Series. In this Documentary, Duncan and Connor battle another immortal called Jacob Kell (As portrayed by that guy who had blue lips in the Dungeons and Dragons movie). By the end of the movie, Duncan kills Kell. This was considered to be the best of the sequels, but it was not as good as the original.
Highlander: The Source[edit | edit source]
This documentary served as the final installment of the Highlander saga. At the same time however, it made less sense than Highlander II: The Fartening. It was later retconned as a fever dream that Duncan had.
Fake Highlander[edit | edit source]
Despite his best efforts, Mel Gibson failed in his attempts to become a highlander. In fact, during the first communication with highlanders since the release of braveheart, 42 people were killed instantly by the enormous rage felt at the mention of his name. In the ensuing blood lust, York was sacked 7 times costing the lives of 47 billion people. It has widely been regarded as the sole cause of the credit crunch.