Vladimir Lenin
Владимир Ильич Ленин Vladimir Ilyich Lenin | |
|---|---|
| 1st General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union | |
| In office November 8, 1917 – January 21, 1924 | |
| Preceded by | Position created |
| Succeeded by | Joseph Stalin |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Died |
|
| Political party | Communist Party of the Soviet Union |
| Residence | Kremlin Palace |
“Yes, come and read my Uncyclopedia article! Oh, excuse me... I meant our article, comrade.”
“Anywhere outside of Soviet Russia, people liberate me!”
“Gulag! ”
Born Comrade Govniuk Baldimir Valery Sablin Pushkin Koskov Mishkin Grishenko Onatopp Arkady Gregorovich Владимир Revolutionovich Ilyich Ильич Nastyitch Scratchit Borodin Viktor Monstrotestiklovich Tupolev Antonov An-225 Mriya Lysenko Dostovei Orumov Makarov Юрий Grishenko Alexei Mikhail Sergeyevich Wildevich Troikavich Vostrikov Deathivich Satanikovsky Toikov Capitalistivich Polenin Zelentsov Dave Portenko Броненосец Потёмкин Potyomkin Драма на Юrio тендре Yevgeniy Awesomovich Tavricheski Князь Потёмкин Таврический Lomonosov Girlyna Zavolecheyovich Sadovnichiy Mokhovaya Vedomosti Sotsialisticheskikh Sverdlovsk Avtomat Kalashnikova Bellic Obraztsa Roman 1917 Goda Tatishchev Dzerzhinsky Kommunisticheskaya Partiya Tyrone is a natural, a natural fucking idiot. Петр Нико Girlyvich Ulyanov Ульянов Kotobyovitch Moĭ Zadniĭ Konets Yeshche ne Adaptirovany ka Razmeru Vashego Penisa Chudovishchnyh Giovanni DiVice Feraldi, Le Comte del Ferrara, Mikoyan Gurevich Stalin Medvedev-Putinova Johnny-Boy John Lenin-Ilyushin XIII
(April 22, 1870 - December 8, 1980), Baldimere was a Russian revolutionary, politician and hip-hop musician, sexual deviant, the first Premier of the Soviet Onion and a founding member of hit Communist band The KGBeatles, mostly notorious for his contributions to the Russian Hip-hop music scene aka K-Rap (short for Kremlin Rap), based on fusing grass-roots folk, heart pounding electro synths and beats, the "shrieking" guitar, motivational lyrics and propaganda messages for the Russian people. He is also known as one of the biggest dreamers in the whole history of mankind, he dreamt that all the earths people could live equally and peacefully. He was also a popular sugar daddy and once boasted that he had "7000" women at his beck and call living in his harem. As the Soviet Unionian leader he was also known as Yo Daddy (Russian: Отец народов) some time after the Bolshevik Revolution because of the band's related connections with a communist pimping career group.
He has a moustache, despite having little other hair. Note that in order to join the Commie Club you must have a moustache, and no means of combing it. However, honorary membership was granted to those who possessed thick "forest-like" chest hair.
He is also the leader and Idol of Uncyclopedia: USSR Edition, as is he leader of everything Soviet Unionian.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Lenin was born to an OG in the urban jungle of Liverpulsk-Cambridgevsky, located in the northeastern part of Russia. His father was at Czar Nikolai's side, serving in his posse and providing him with the best glocks he could find, while his mother, a former upstage actress turned into a hooker, had aggressive sex with Nikolai when he wasn't eating fish and caviar and was his favorite poledancer. When Lenin was young he wanted his mother but his mother didn't want him, so he just had to tell her Goodbye. In short, the family was loyally dedicated to the Czar, but not Baldimir. Since his child years, he was visiting a secret underground society known as The Karl Marxxx Acolytezz (where the two x's are but just a typo, of course) and was planning his revenge on this jerk of a czar who, as he thought, enslaved his whole family.
At the age of 16, Lenin was interested in communist political ideals and frequently dabbled with mixtapes. He quickly realized that it wasn't easy to rap along to russian opera, so he decided to buy some music equipment from a local G and began mixing his own music. It was approximately at the same time that he wrote his first lyrics to a song called "Give URSS A Chance", considered as one of the very first classics of Russian Hip-hop. He also attended the Academy for The Gifted Czar Killers and graduated with A++ in his diploma and bought an AK-47.
In 1894 Lenin travels to Moscow along with his childhood friend Leon Trotsky, where both men decide to make a stage performance with covers from Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. The show turns out to be a complete failure when Trotsky gets drunk and tries to rape his friend in the ass during the second swan dance. This leads to a rupture between the two and they go separate ways: Lenin chooses marx rock as the further representation of and inspiration to his music while Trotsky chooses vodka, valenki and balalaika. And won't regret it in the future. Eventually, to make amends, Lenin would shank Trotsky in the back with a rusty shiv during one of their frequent visits to the popular "DA" Klub, where much of Lenin's heart-pounding and show-stopping music was played.
Lenin's second performance, in 1905, wound up with far more success. The show turned into a gong show with members of Lenin's entourage driving by and whacking members of a rival band, and Ulyanov takes a moment to give a revolutionary speech to his fans. Completely brainwashed by subliminal propaganda from his song "Power to The People", the crowd started admiring and praising their new leader. As a consequence, more than 200 groupies were seen on the streets massacrating Romanov monuments, tearing down the walls and assaulting the Zimniy Palace in the name of free sluts and booze. Lenin would later describe this event as: " We're in da house and we're here to stay"
The riot was unsuccessful, however, due to Master Yuri Prime's mind control towers, which made quick work of the rebels and turned the situation back to normal. Due to constant heavy Russian drinking, those towers were completely out of order and scheduled for repairment in 1917, what has played a major role in Lenin's revolution.
Political career[edit | edit source]
In the late 1900's Lenin became a deputy of the Moscow Town Hall (formerly known as Booze Hall), followed by the town crier Stalin and the town drunk Dzerzhinsky. His every attempt to form a local propaganda Hip-Hop entourage turned out to be unsuccessful because of the concurrent local band Boney M and their lead singer Rasputin. In order to gain the people's loyalty, Lenin renamed himself Lenin in tribute to his other childhood friend Jay Leno (which is "John Lenin" in Russian transcription) and ran a politician campaign with reelections of the new mayor, promoting himself as I Am the Walrussian in the name of the old noble class of Walrussians. He had won the elections of 1912 by drowning the Titanic - the ship in which Boney M were traveling across the sea (using a trained brigade of his own men known as "The Iceberg").
Upon becoming the mayor of Moscow in 1912, Lenin spent his time on thinking of new ways to get control over the masses. After consulting Marx's literatures, John finished his new hip-hop single "All Gangstas go to paradise, but some get there by glocking the man" and released his first major studio album "The Russian Hood". He brewed the idea that the only way to win the hearts of his fans and thus to lead them to a better, commie future, was to make a proletarian (Bolshevik) revolution based on sex, drugs and rap music (which was actually replaced three times by the word "samogon" in the slogan of 1917) and at the same time launch a musical career based on peace (killing the poor), equality (taking away from the rich) and fraternity (treating everyone like garbage). The time was right to make that striking move and finally overthrow the Czar! Post overthrowing, Lenin formed an unhealthy hatred of the colour red. This is highlighted by his obsession with the 'Red Terror' during the civil war where he ordered the army to hunt down and torture anyone who was wearing red. Contrary to popular belief, the colour of Bolshevik outfits was blue until the capitalists in the West changed the story for a sense of irony.
After these lofty positions he was assigned, he developed a great interest in pie. Some say that it was because of his advisers, others say that he always had a secret affiliation for pie. Whatever the case, no one knows for sure. He got so into pie that he banned any body else from having pie just so that he could have all of it. He would often be found in his private chambers for hours at a time eating pie and cherishing pie and making shrines to pie. By the end of his reign, all of the pie ingredients in Russia were at his castle and the people were starving because of it. Lenin was most definitely the first (and probably last) ever pie "nazi" (this affiliation was added after the Nazi Party conquered the eastern seaboard of California in 1942).
Musical career[edit | edit source]
In the early 1913 four men appeared in the Czar's royal apartments: John Lenin, Joseph McCarthy, Ringo Stalin, and George W. Harrison proclaiming themselves the "KGBeatles" and posing an ultimatum to Nikolai by demanding him to get the Russian troops out of Serbia OR do the kazachok naked on the Red Square reconsider his place in the government and gently move aside. The czar took that statement personal and threw the newly formed group out of the country forever (after playing truth or dare with a bottle of vodka).
Frustrated and desperated, the standup traveled from one country to another, briefly stopping in Finland (when Lenin, drunk, crawled on top of a tank and rapped: "Hassa wassa uhm blah zzzzzzz..." to hear an enthusiastic applause), Denmark, France and Switzerland. In Switzerland Lenin became friends with Dr. Sigmund Freud, who in fact was related to pimp daddy industry and had its own whorehouse, later on bought and exploited by John himself. Lenin later released his sophomore album "Kremlin Rap" aka K-Rap to much success.
In November 1917 John Lenin, followed by his fellows, friends, partisans and proletariat, struck Moscow again, this time with success. He entered the city through Moscow river on "Aurora" (which, in fact, was sparely scotch taped from Titanic's rear end with coke implements, marine weapons and a propulsion helix of 1' in diameter), propagating the message of peace, love and joy, once more signing songs turned against the czar and his implementation in WWI in Serbia and the Civil War, and, of course, happily killing everyone who tried to stop him from realizing his madness. This time Nikolai had nothing else to do but to surrender to Lenin's power, who decided to play Russian roulette with him, loaded 6 bullets in his Magnum and asked the Czar to go first. Then added one bullet asked the Czar's wife to go first. Then added one bullet and asked the Czar's children to go first. Then added two bullets and asked Dzerzhinsky to go first, who refused, only to be killed from behind by Rasputin, whom Lenin forgot all about. When Lenin started shooting Rasputin, the latter one entered the Matrix and evaded all of the bullets, but was killed in his turn by Magneto (who came to play chess with the Czar) with an iron helmet on his head, immune to mental control. And then Lenin asked Magneto to go first and found himself all alone (and, probably, cried... a little). All while, Lenin played more concerts and made more music, promoting his newly accepted form of hip-hop, K-Rap (short for Kremlin Rap).
A few months following the Revolution of 1917, Lenin put his wife in charge of all the political, economic and military issues and went to have a beer in the basement. He spent the rest of his times mixing new K-rap singles and smoking pot with Stalin.
Illness and Death[edit | edit source]
Trotskizzle and Stalionnaire.
The 1918 - 1920 period turned out to be infertile for the band's future. Musicians entered their psychedelic trance period with songs like "Across the Gulag" and "While My Kolkhoz Gently Weeps", which marked greatly their use of heavy drugs (like "konoplya"), VERY heavy drinking ("I Want You, vodka, but this bottle, She's So Heavy..."), thus giving birth to many dissensions inside the band itself. Fearing for his future with herpes becoming evident, Lenin kicked two members out of the band: first, George W. Harrison now renamed "OG lovitch" for his tendency to compose bluegrass country music, Texas ranch-style, then Joseph McCarthy for simply being a jerk, preferring 88 to 69. With the only member left, Stalin, Lenin took his last Europe tour called The NEP Road '19, which brought him even less success than in the band's early years and forced him to dismiss the band completely.
At home, the affairs with Yoko Krupskaya were getting even worse, and Lenin soon wound up out of his own house with almost no money to live off. Now hated and despised by many, the ex-rapper travels to the place that he thought could still give him some last hope for survival, avoiding mad crowds and angry mobs of proletarians who also somehow turned into zombies and wanted to eat his Marxist brain for not keeping his communist promises. In Summer 1921, Lenin was seen starting his life anew, this time as Yo Daddy in Switzerland, along with Freudaddy, as the Kings of Pimps. His pimping career lead Lenin to gain money to buy himself some living, cocaine and cheap whores. However, his main turn being to avoid the Russians at all costs, he performed a series of plastic surgeries to look like an African-American. With his doctor telling him he has only a few months to live, Lenin also decided to amputate his penis and replace it with a hammer and sickle, thus concealing his monstrous testicles from the more voyeuristic members of the Politburo.
Lenin returns to Moscow in April 1924, looking as Pimp Daddy and clearly faking his English accent. Although the people don't recognize him, Stalin, now being their new leader, quickly does. He tracks Lenin down near Kremlin and uses all of the USSR naval, air force and army to stop him (which, at the time, counted up to 5 or 6 people), then simply comes closer and whispers "Come wait for me in my bureau, comrade!" (with his mustache trembling like Mr. Pringles when he eats pringles). Lenin then tried to flee, followed by enemy bullets, got out his magnum and tried to fight back, but shot himself in the stomach instead. Then tried to fight back some more, but shot himself in the right shoulder. Then in the left arm. In the left knee. In the right ear. In the a-... Well, you get the point. It's not that he sucked, but the guy was at the brink of death anyway.
The last moment Lenin could remember after he fell down in agony, was Trotsky's hand dragging him somewhere down in the Moscow sewers. In fact, Trotsky had forgiven his old childhood friend and even tried to help him, and for that reason was hated and exiled by Stalin in the years to follow. But yeah, back to the sewers, Trotsky heals Lenin in his last days, but at the same time understands that his situation is critical and he will soon die nonetheless. With nothing else to do in order to save Lenin's life, Trotsky decides to freeze Lenin in a cryogenic capsule, something that he was preparing for him anyway, but with carbonite instead. The operation, however, is performed successfully and John Lenin's corpse is frozen inside a capsule for years to come. It spends the first years somewhere in the underground, but after Trotsky's exile in the 1930s, Stalin's people find it and use it for touristic purposes inside the Kremlin Mausoleum. The entrance fee was established in 1935 and never changed since: one bottle of guess what to see him for 5 minutes, two for ten, etc. etc.
And then he died. Why? Because. When? Sometime later. How? Dunno. What? Oh well, End of story. After dying, his spirit became free of his body, through his asshole. A loud, long, fart-like noise was made during this event, following lots of fire coming out of his asshole. He spent a very long time floating around as a very light, not dense, colourless, gasous object. He was six feet tall and weighed 10 grams. He could transform into many different shapes and sizes, including a light and fluffy cloud, a frighteningly large ejaculation probe, or into a less colorful version of himself, as he did posthumously. With his special shapeshifting powers, he could spy on girls changerooms and also give top secret information that the CIA had about the planned assination of Fidel Castro to the Cubans, thus preventing Castro's untimely death.
A long time after, in December 1980, an earthquake caused by Brezhnev's coat falling down from a chair (weighting approx. 5298 gold and silver medal orders), breaks Lenin's capsule and wakes him back from the slumber. Upon getting out of the cold grave, Lenin leaves the Mausoleum and enters the Red Square, where he is being ran over by a drunken diplomat in his Lada and dies ten seconds later. His body was then cleaned out of all the organs (which were used to feed the starving children of Africa) and put back to the Mausoleum with minor changes. No media has been ever told about this incident, so, when you talk to a Russian, they will keep telling you that Lenin is still alive and kicking!
However in 2007 90 years after the great Revolution, a distant relative of US President Obama visits Putin at the Kremlin to report that no organs of Lenin have ever arrived at Africa. A few days later, the former KGB officer now great Chairman-Tsar finds the former Soviet Premier at the boiler room of the GUM. He tells him, "That drunk just had to fuck up my day, and mess it all up." No media was told about this incident either. Lenin now goes under a different pseudonym (unknown) but is believed to be working at a secret recording facility in Moscow, releasing his new album "Back In Red," trying to do his best to revive his old band. Still if you ask a Russian, they will tell you that Lenin is alive, kicking, and bitching.
Personal Notes[edit | edit source]
While being away in a sanitary exile in 1916, Lenin wrote some lyrics for the songs that were never released. Here are things that he imagined:
- there's no heaven
- no hell below us
- all the people living for today
- there's no countries
- nothing to kill or die for
- and no religion too
- all the people living life in peace
- there's no possessions, I wonder if you can
- no need for greed or hunger
- a brotherhood of man
- all the people sharing all the world
- you may say that he's a dreamer
- but he's not the only one
- someday you'll join us
- and the world will be as one
He also wrote a book entitled "Why Stalin is a Little Bitch, and Will Only Ruin My Name For Future Generations" Unfortunately, because of the coarse language (the word 'feces' was used twice) Stalin banned the book and sent anyone who had a copy, seen a copy, heard about the book to a labor camp.
| Preceded by: Peter the Great |
Vanguard of The Soviet Union 1917-1924 |
Succeeded by: Stalin |
|