Phil Rudd
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| Occupation | Drummer - Politician |
| Years Active | 1970something to we dunno |
| Genre(s) | Cock Stompin' rock n roll - Karaoke Kombat |
| Band(s) | AC/DC - That band with Angry Anderson - Bee Gees - The Wiggles |
| Turn on's | Fast cars - boats - Helicopters |
| Turn Off's | Simon Wright, Chris Slade, <insert name here>'s mom |
“He sure can hit it hard from behind, I hear he drums well, too”
“I liked him better when he shaved his head in the Thunderstruck video”
“Phills sperm glows in the dark!”
Phillip Huge "19 Incha" Rubbabitch later changed to Phil Rudd, is the current drummer for legendary hard rock act AC/DC, as well as current Prime Minister of Australia.
Rudd has thumped out many of the known hits of AC/DC since the days when night clubs where known as roller disco's and gotten kicks out of raising taxes on beer so he can consume more of it for himself while flying pissed (drunk) in his many helicopters he likes to fly down close enough to beaches to blow clothing off of sunbathing women. From an early age Phil loved to bang things, ever since he entered the world by humping his way through his mother's belly button and smacked the doctor in the face while threatening to shove that thermometer up the nurses arse if she didn't piss off with that thermometer and get him a smoke to suck on right away.
Phil grew up in Melbourne Australia where he quoted as, "Beautiful one day, shithouse the rest" to the time he was 17 when he stopped beating up the little old ladies at the bingo hall and decided beating the shit out of a drum kit might earn him more dough (money). He hung with a tough crowed, and always ready for a brawl, and him and his high school sweet heart, Angry Anderson put together a rock n roll band to show the streets how to play like a real rock n roller then the crap that Molly Meldrum was ramming down everyone's necks on Countdown
They called there band "Buster Brown" but is more remembered today as "Ya know that band Phil was in with that bald guy from Rose Tattoo?" to which gets a typical Aussie reply of "Naught" (pronunciation: nut - translation: nope). The name came from there agent telling them to tone down the name as they could not market a group called "I'll break your shitter open if you keep looking at me, cunt". Buster Brown toured the pubs of Melbourne for a short period before they where banned from playing anywhere for always turning up to a gig and gang banging the bouncers before playing a number. Some nights they just gang banged the whole bar and forgot to even play anything before starting brawls and punching on with anyone who wanted to fight with them. One of the biggest riots they caused was the night they burned down the "Star Hotel" and blamed it on Jimmy Barnes & Cold Chisel
It was at that time that authorities had to break the group up, labeling them as misfit degenerates with low self esteem and commitment issues. Angry Anderson went and formed another band called Rose Tattoo while Phil was arrested for assault with a battery which he inserted up a young Steve Irwin's rectum for excessive use of the word "Crikey" which is perfectly understandable in anyone's opinion, but he did do 6 months jail time for it.
Phil did his time in prison, and on release, found that Angry Anderson had been cheating on him, and left him for another drummer in a group called "Rose Tattoo" that Anderson was now the lead singer for. When finding that another man was thumping away from behind the group, Phil's heart broke into a million pieces. Phil became bitter, and angry about it, and vowed he would find a band that he could bang behind that would bang harder then any back banger in a band could.
AC/DC[edit | edit source]
One day, Phil attended his first drumming class, where he learned how to keep a standard 4/4 beat. He never showed up to class again. This is shown in every AC/DC song, where he demonstrates his intricate drumming knowledge for the whole song, playing the same beat over and over again.
Phil had heard of this group that sounded better then Rose Tattoo named AC/DC, and he turned up to one of there gigs one night halfway through the show, climbed on stage, and kicked AC/DC's current drummer in the head, dislocating his jaw, then kicking his motionless carcass off stage, then sat down and took over on drums saying, "I'm ya new fucking drummer now, ya got a problem with it, i'll gang bang you" in which brothers Angus and Malcolm Young where not going to risk there own heads being kicked in like they just witnessed Phil do to there current drummer. Luckily for AC/DC, Phil was a much better drummer then the dweeb they had, and AC/DC kept Phil on as there official drummer, in both fear for there own safety, and that no one would fuck with them with him around.
Soon complication a rose with there new drummer, as a festival was to be held where AC/DC where to be the headline act in Sunbury (Australia) but got into confrontation when Deep Purple said they where the better band and should headline. Phil didn't even raise an eye brow before he clobbered one of Deep Purples members in the mouth with his foot and threw himself on top of another guy with a Lou thesz press and begun buttering him up to be a potential gang bang victim. Both AC/DC and Deep Purple never got to play that day and the headline act was Billy Thorpe & The Assticks.
Just 4 years later after making himself a member of AC/DC, the band was kicked out of Australia because Phil still hadn't learned to control himself from gang banging bouncers or other bands roadies. So the band headed to the U.K where AC/DC could start a fresh, and gangbanging laws where not as strict as the laws in Australia. When the band landed on European soil for the first time, the band had to convince Phil that he needed to concentrate on drumming, not go seeking out the Sex Pistols because Phil heard a rumor they thought Fords where better then Holdens. Phil kept his side of the promise, and soon enough AC/DC where dominating Europe.
AC/DC's success had led them to start making a name for themselves in the USA and Phil and Bon had become good friends and both enjoyed a good brawl and gangbang from time to time, some days you would even see them tag the other to take over the current gangbang-ee (is that a word? fuck it, it is now) but things where really starting to get out of hand when AC/DC where touring with Black Sabbath and Malcolm had a knife pulled on him by Geezer Butler because Geezer thought it was Malcolm who said to Bon, "Lets gangbang that little emo prick" in which Phil was already sneaking up behind Geezer to butt fuck his arse when Ozzy Osbourne came in and broke it up saying Geezer was just so high on drugs he was imagining things. Geezer then went and took out his frustrations on what he thought was a person, but was actually a statue and tried to head butt it, but ended up laying himself out unconscious. Phil said he would take Geezer back to his room to rest, as he carried him down the hotel corridors with Bon Scott skipping cheekily behind.
In 1979 AC/DC released there biggest album of that time, Highway To Hell, in which Phil tried to write the only piece of known material the band has admitted to, with the title called "Beating Up Bastards And Punching Them In The Cock 100 Times Before I Gang Bang Them" which was later re-arranged by Bon & changed to "Beating Around The Bush" which Phil would always have a cheeky grin on his face as he played the song, knowing that Bon was singing alternate lyrics. Also that same year Phil broke his hand on some guys face and had to sit out for 6 weeks after a dispute he got into with someone over if Little Richard was visitor to Vegemite Vally or not. Phil had to sit in the audience, and promise not to gang bang anyone. But once his hand was better, he jumped up on stage and re-created the same moment he did when he first joined the band... to the same guy too, then he and Bon gang banged him after the show was over.
1980 dawned on the band, and only 2 months later Bon Scott was found dead. That moment brought tears to Phil's eyes, as he had not just lost a good friend, but a heavy weight gang banging tag-team partner. After Bon's funeral, the decision to keep the band going with a replacement singer was official. But Phil knew no one could fill the shoes of Bon as a gang banging contender by his side.
Brian Johnson was elected into the band, and Phil got along well with him, but the frustration of having to gang bang as a solo performer was getting the better of him. Phil tried to show Brian the ways of the backdoor force, but his padawan trainee was just too old to begin the training. It was during the 1983 Flick Of The Switch recording that Phil snapped and grabbed Brian by the hair and threw his face into the ground and began unzipping his pants yelling, "I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE" it was at the moment the rest of the band ran into to find out what the commotion was about had to force Phil off of Brian's rear end. The decision was made that Phil was to finish the drumming for the album, then go home, and get rehab. He was kicked out of AC/DC and replaced by Simon Wright who was hired because he was a eunuch.
Life After AC/DC[edit | edit source]
Phil arrived home, but was immediately kicked out of Australia again for gangbanging the customs official when he arrived and they asked if he had any fruit to declare. So Phil moved to New Zealand to seek the guidance and therapy of Dolly The Sheep it took several years sessions before Phil would open up and start talking about his issues, instead of trying to successfully mount the sheep from behind. Phil finally was cured of his disorder in 1993 and turned his attentions to living on a boat, where his therapist recommended taking his sexual frustrations out on things that can't snitch on you, like Dolphins and Penguins, which led to a tragic accident of slapping a Great White Shark in the mouth yelling, "I said deep throat, BITCH" that proceeded to bite Phil's family jewels and tackle line completely off.
Phil went into a dark depression for 6 months before he was able to get over the loss of his genitalia. But with the high levels of testosterone out of his system, and a shitload of Zoloft & Valiums Phil was able to focus on starting his own business by starting up a helicopter company for tourists who wanted to see New Zealand from the sky.
However, by the end of 1993, Phil had grown a little tired of it, and was becoming more depressed by it. He asked his therapist what a man with no balls should do for a living? And the answer was simple, go into Australian politics. So by the time 1994 had come, Phil was already on the campaign wagon to become the Prime Minister of Australia. However, the campaign was cut short for now, as AC/DC where in town, and heard Phil had gotten his shit together.
Back In Black, Behind The Kit[edit | edit source]
AC/DC where on the final leg of their tour in New Zealand and had requested Phil come to see them after the show that night. In which Phil obliged to, and Angus and Malcolm could see Phil was a changed man, if he even still was one. They asked Phil if he wanted to come back, because there current drummer Chris Slade was costing them too much in turtle wax and Shaving Cream for his head. Phil said he would be glad to, and almost went to Chris Slade to gangbang him, then stopped, and pleasantly winked at the guys and held up his thumb.
Phil was now officially back behind the drum kit for AC/DC, and soon was recording there next album in 1995 called "Ballbreaker" which they wrote as a tribute to the shark that bit off Phil's nuts. They toured, and released a tribute to Bon in 1997, then recorded Stiff Upper Lip in 2000 that was actually just the Young brothers mocking Phil in secrecy, but Phil could take a joke now, and laughed along with it as it was all in good fun, even tho Phil could no longer have a stiff upper anything.
AC/DC wrapped up the SUL tour in 2001, and only played a couple of gigs from then until 2008 which gave Phil the chance to run for the head of parliament he had intended to.
Prime Minsiter Rudd[edit | edit source]
Now that AC/DC where taking a break to work on a new album for 100 years, Phil turned his concentration onto working his way up as a member of the Australian Federal Eunuch Party. Where his policies where welcomed by everyone as he promised to lower taxes on beer, legalize marijuana, bring back "Hey, Hey, It's Saturday", cancel "Home & Away" & put a ban on John Farnham's next come-back tour. These where the kind of policies that Australia had been begging for, for years now. And Phil quickly over the next few years rose higher and higher up the political ranks, and then in 2008 bypassed every government position left as a lynch mob kicked the current PM out of office to swear Phil in as Australia's new Prime Minister when Phil made a new policy to get Richard Wilkins & Julia Morris kicked off Australian TV forever.
However, now that Phil has been sworn in as Australia's Prime Minister, he has yet to execute any of his policies as Angus and Malcolm Young called him just after wards and said, "Oi, right-e-o. Get ya arse ova 'ere to record the new record". So Phil was on the next plane out to meet up with the band to begin recording their new album.
Newspapers in Australia went ballistic that there PM would just get up, leave the country to go play rock n roll. Asking the question, what damage would this do to the country? Phil's reply to that was simply, "Cant fuck it up any worse then John Howard did!"
Currently[edit | edit source]
Currently Phil is banging AC/DC from behind as he does best (even though he's only humping the air now) on there current 2009-2010 Black Ice world tour. Phil will return after the tour to lead Australia into World War III, as he reckons it will be good to have a war started by a country that people can look back in 100 years and have a laugh about it.