Sammy Sosa

Sammy Sosa (born December 3–7, 1968) is a Major League Baseball player and the modern day equivalent of Martin Luther King: just as Martin Luther King achieved fame by leading the Memphis garbage strike, Sammy Sosa became famous for swinging at garbage out of the strike zone. He holds the single-season record for steroid consumption, and made history on July 23, 2003, when he became the first player ever ejected from a Major League Baseball game for injecting himself with cork and filling his bat with synthetic testosterone. He also became the first person ever to injure his back sneezing.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Sosa was born in the Dominican Republic, the twelfth son of an impoverished international secret agent. During breaks from working on his family's mud farm, he played baseball with the local kids, only they used sticks and stones instead of bats and balls. Too poor to afford anabolic steroids, they had to make do with cheap substitutes. And they had to walk 10 miles uphill in the snow to get to the field. Both ways. Once Sosa had saved up enough money for a down payment on an un-seaworthy raft, he set out across the Caribbean to America, accompanied only by a volleyball named Wilson and a shoelace coated in maple syrup that wouldn't shut up about global warming ruining yo-yo production in Canada.

Baseball[edit | edit source]

In America, he got a job working at a landfill, where Major League scouts discovered him hitting used diapers with planks of wood over trash piles, just like in that shitty Tony Danza movie. Soon he was promoted to the big leagues, breaking in with the Texas Rangers in 1989. Clearly marked for greatness, he was promptly traded away for two nonentities by team owner George W. Bush who even then was getting all of his advice directly from God.

Steroid Wars[edit | edit source]

In 1998, Sosa was poised to break the single season home run record. The heads of MLB did not want this prestigious white man record to fall to a black man. So they took the best white player at the time, Mark McGwire, and rebuilt him, replacing his blood with pure liquid steroid. Sosa, however, was able to score some SUPER EXTRA steroids, and he met the cork fairy who gave him a special cork bat. The next day in a baseball game, high on steroids, the evil umpire Tim McClelland discovered the cork bat, and Bud Selig suspended Sosa for 10 days. Sosa became enraged, went on a steroid-drinking spree, and got another suspension for ripping the heads off of four umpires and a ballboy .

Congressional Hearings[edit | edit source]

In 2005 the U.S. House of Representatives conducted an important series of hearings on the use of steroids in sports, and then passed a law ordering the all-white Boston Red Sox to win the World Series. They also fucked up Barry Bond's knees and increased the size of his forehead, so that it looked like he was using steroids. They planted cork in Sosa's bats to further decrease his once mad street rep. Sosa was eventually blackballed for use of banned substances, and exiled to Canada in shame.

Racial Transformation[edit | edit source]

A November 2009 episode of ABC's popular sci-fi drama V (pronounced "five") features Sammy Sosa as a reptilian, shape-shifting alien life form hell-bent on providing affordable health care to the human race and promoting the prevalence of light-skinned black people on television. In the series, his alien powers include the ability to change his body shape and skin color at will. In the episode, he kidnaps black celebrities and forces them into a reverse tanning bed to undergo a skin-lightening procedure. In a brilliant twist of media manipulation and viral marketing for V, Sammy Sosa actually did irreversibly transform his skin color, and was followed in suit by celebrities such as Denzel Washington, Charlie Murphy, and a deceased Michael Jackson, retroactively made possible by the success of the Large Hadron Collider in episode 7. This sparked media speculation that Sosa actually was an alien capable of reversing the skin tone of celebrities. Analysts speculate that ABC spent nearly $1.8 billion of Federal bailout money bribing celebrities to undergo the procedure and advertise the series. Comedian Paul Mooney and Trinity Church's Pastor Reverend White are rumored to have received the bulk of this revenue, having actually made themselves invisible for the sake of the viral story line.

President Obama praised the episode and the media tactic, quipping: "The more yellow bones in the public eye, the better my chances of winning in 2012." He then smiled while miming a golf swing like Johnny Carson.

In episode 7, Sosa returned to the series, using the Large Hadron Collider to retroactively make himself white from the age of 15. In the episode, he relives his life, never having been caught using steroids or a corked bat and eventually hits 115 home runs in one season, defeating a Filipino version of Mark McGuire in a fiercely competitive contest that briefly draws national attention back to the national pastime.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

• Sammy Sosa was the man that heckled Michael Richards.

• Sammy Sosa was Mikie from the Life commercials when he was a child.

• The amount of somersaults that Sammy can do in a 3 day span approaches nearly 7.

• Called Bud Selig "Fucking white trash honky!"

• Called Alex Rodriguiez "Asshole A-Rod".