Hillbillies
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“It's OK to love kids, dufus...but not in the way that you demonstrate, Cletus. Lil' nephew must be growing up fast. How much longer before he comes clean? You KNOW you want to. ”
Hillbillies are often distinguished as hicks, mountain men, rednecks, white trash, yokels, and pedophiles. Their unstoppable reproduction habit is probably caused by bacterial microbes floating around. Or, lack of decent hygiene. Or perhaps, both.
Dress[edit]
The men tend to wear long johns, straw hats, plaid flannel shirts, dungarees or denim bib overalls, and (for the few who do not elect to go barefoot) scruffy boots, as well as the required shotgun.
Younger women tend to wear tight shirts, or tank tops and short shorts, going barefoot or wearing flip flops or high-heeled shoes. They also may wear their hair long, and wear heavy facial make-up as well as adorn themselves with cheap jewlery such as hoop earings, ankle bracelets,and toe rings. Typically, older women wear their hair in buns and long plain dresses if any thing.
Occupations[edit]
The chief occupations of the men, insofar as they work, are hunting, fishing, and distilling moonshine, which they drink in long draughts from jugs marked "XXX." They also fight feuds with other hillbilly clans and occasionally attack Internal Revenue agents, or "revenuers."
The women cook, clean, and tend the children. Many, as the saying goes, stay "barefoot and pregnant"
Hillbillies who inhabit regions contaminated by nuclear testing usually have no other occupation besides killing people in very obscene ways. They like puppies.
Characteristics and Traditions[edit]
Families are large. It is not uncommon for a single family unit, called a "clan," to consist of as many as eight adults (maternal and paternal grandparents, an maiden aunt or a widowed uncle, and the parents) and 10 or 12 children, many of whom are likely to be the products of incestuous inbreeding. Marriage is largely unknown, as the typical hillbilly cow procreates indiscriminately with any low-life hillbilly male sober enough to maintain an erection through orgasm. The arrival of the new hillbilly bastard is usually accompanied by the purchasing and presentation of mass produced crap that only a hillbilly, or the profoundly retarded, would value. They are normally very fat and smelly people, have retarded hairstyles and children, look like amish morons, and lack their incisors.
Their vehicle of choice is often a pick up truck, many of which have over 250,000 miles on them. These specimens are commonly found on trailer parks that smell like dog shit. They defend their lands and houses with the same shotguns that they use to shoot the raccoons, opossums, bears, and other “varmints” that they eat for their "vittles" (main meals). They seldom bathe or shower and do not know what a toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash or dental floss is; consequently, many have few or no teeth, dentures being unknown to them. The men (and some of the women) wear moustaches and beards. None of the women shave their armpits or their legs. Their chief forms of entertainment are shindigs (dance parties), playing the banjo or the harmonica, and swimming naked (skinny dip) in rivers, lakes, or mountain streams. They all have two first names. Especially popular name pairs are:
- hank hill
- Billy Bob
- Peggy Sue
- Henry Lee
- David Bennie
- Anna Belle
- Tater Gumfries
- Jethro Tull
- Naomi Ruth
- Jeremiah Ezekiel
- Carol Anne.
- Elly May
- Sarabelle Pickens
- Clarabelle Pickens
- Marabelle Pickens
- Dube Dudley
- Wee Willy Judd
- Emmy Lou
- Betty Bob Jo
Their attitude toward education is summed up by one of their own, Mark Twain: “I never let my schoolin’ interfere with my education.” However, most hillbillies can read at a second- or third-grade level, can add and subtract, and can write their names and many one- and two-syllable words.
Young hillbilly women are invariably beautiful, and most fathers take at least one daughter (and sometimes a son or two) as their mistresses, and the family trees among hillbillies tend to have only one or two branches, since families are inbred almost as much as Hollywood entertainers.
Successful Careers[edit]
Despite the limits imposed by their upbringing, attitudes, lack of education, poverty, alcoholism, and provincialism, and the prejudice of non-hillbillies toward them, many hillbillies have transcended these deficiencies and problems to excel in their endeavors, acquiring fame and fortune. Among these men and women are:
- George Dubya Bush
- Judy Canova
- Li’l Abner
- Ma and Pa Kettle
- The Clampett clan
- Festus
- Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke
- Tom Sawyer
- Huckleberry the Finn
- Cletus Spuckler
- Darling clan
- Ernest T. Bass
- Andy Taylor
- Barney Fife
- Gomer Pyle
- Ernest P. Worrell
- Luke and Blubber Bear
- Hatfield clan
- McCoy clan
- Ashley Judd
- Elvis
- James Carville.
- Colonel Sanders
Perhaps the hillbilly to have achieved the greatest success and notoriety is President William Jefferson Clinton, more popularly known as Bill Clinton. Not only did he serve his nation as its chief ejaculating executive orifice officer, but Clinton also figured out, through painstaking trial-and-error experimentation with his wife Hillary, how a man and a woman, acting together, can actually conceive a child, thereby fathering their daughter Chelsea. "It has nothing to do with hens, pigs, sheep, or cows," he tells his fellow hillbillies in sex education classes he holds on alternate Tuesday evenings in Bug Tussle, TN and elsewhere on a "rotating basis, depending on how many womenfolk will be in attendance for demonstration purposes."
Migration[edit]
Hillbillies were once content to die a few miles from their places of birth and seldom travelled outside the counties in which they lived. However, since Clinton was elected president, more of them have left Beverly Hills to settle in the Appalachian Mountains and the Ozark Mountains. Some have been reported as far east and north as central Pennsylvania, and many have taken up residence in the so-called Deep South, between Virginia and West Virginia and Florida in the east and Texas, Oklahoma, and Missouri in the west.
It is common to find savage hillbillies who were mutated by nuclear testing in states such as New Mexico and Nevada. The Hills Have Eyes is an award winning documentary concerning these profound creatures and their lifestyles.
Hillbillies can also be found in Canada. Most Canadian Hillbillies have a limited vocabulary containing only the word "ha der". In Canada you have your Maritime hillbillies who enjoy marrying their sisters, much like your common Saskatchewan hillbilly. Manitoba hillbillies enjoy hunting and being French and insane. Like their distant cousins in Kentucky and Georgia, BC hillbillies have an above average education in the field of chemestry, as this is an important skill in the production of pipebombs, marijuana and methamphetamine. Unlike prairie and American hillbillies, BC hillbillies are mostly hippies and enjoy living in trees as protest.