Necrophiliphobia

The dead only ever have one thing on their mind

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Necrophiliphobia.

“Think I'm getting a stiffy”
~ Noel Coward on Necrophiliphobia

Necrophiliphobia is the irrational fear of having sex with a dead person. Whereas the majority of the world population (52%) is disgusted with the prospect of having sex with a dead person, only a small percentage of people constantly fear having sex with dead people to the point where it interferes with their lives.

While it is possible for any person to develop this phobia, cases are most common in regions with high mortality rates, such as third world countries, or places where it is difficult to tell if people are living or dead, such as an American suburb.

Possible Instances of Necrophiliphobia

How sufferers see a morgue

Patients who suffer from Necrophiliphobia usually cite one of four possibilities where they might accidentally have sex with a dead person.

The drunken bender - People have always feared getting drunk and having sex with an ugly person. In this case, the patient fears getting drunk and actually sleeping with a dead person. Some patients fear digging up a dead person, and others fear the person will die in the actual act of sex, a case of mourning wood. Often for Necrophiliphobia sufferers, this means that they will not approach any bar within 200 miles of a cemetery, morgue, or Rolling Stones concert.
Getting raped by a zombie – New evidence shows that this form of the fear may start early in childhood if a child watches the movie Shivers at too young of an age, or the music video "Thriller."
Funerals - Many funeral attendees have, during a service, experienced the thought of "Wouldn't it be awful if I laughed?" Often, necrophiliphobics have at some point thought to themselves "Wouldn't it be awful if I jumped into the coffin and started fucking Aunt Gladys?" In such cases, the phobia is rooted more in social embarrassment than in fear of the physical act.
Dead body falls out of the sky during naked time – This fear is especially cited among Necrophiliphobia sufferers who live in large rural areas. It is the fear that, while wandering nude in one’s own back yard, a naked body will fall out of the sky and land on one's genitals. The body is too heavy to free oneself and then trying and failing to push it away just makes things worse. Maybe the body came attached to a failed parachute and you get all tangled up and stuck and you're too far away from anyone to get help in this damned rural neighbourhood and you scream and scream, but nobody can hear your cries. As night falls, you wish you were the one who was dead. Such thoughts are a daily occurrence for necrophiliphobics.

Diagnosis

Necrophiliphobics always check their lovers' toes

If someone you know seems to show signs of Necrophiliphobia, do not try to diagnose or treat them yourself. You may make the fear more ingrained. Instead, take the person to the nearest mental health professional and have them checked out immediately. There, licensed medical professionals will help the person overcome their fear through an endless barrage of humiliating questions, such as if they've ever worn protection at a funeral.

Haitian Psychiatric Institute's Diagnostic Tool

Subject avoids cemeteries at all costs, even on funerals and special occasions, such as Halloween.
Subject refuses to take off his or her clothes at any time, no matter how nicely one asks.
Subject refuses to watch horror films, especially related to zombies. If the subject does, he or she constantly covers the genitalia area with his or her hands or another object.
Subject persistently checks the pulse of people he or she is having sex with, and occasionally listens for breathing.
Subject states that he/she is afraid of having sex with dead people.
Subject had a past negative event involving accidental sex with a dead person.
Subject doesn't think that Weekend at Bernie's is funny^[1].

If subject experiences 5 or more of these symptoms, he or she may be a Necrophiliphobic.

Treatment

Ready to face the fear.

If you or someone you know suffers from Necrophiliphobia, the first thing to understand is that Necrophiliphobia is perfectly normal. The second thing to understand is that Necrophilia is also perfectly normal. Really, there's nothing to fear. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to screw dead bodies. As ever, when looking for moral guidance, one can always consult celebrities and if it's good enough for Catherine Zeta Jones, then it's good enough for everyone. Of course, if you aren't into that sort of thing, that's fine too^[2].

Like most phobias, Necrophiliphobia can be treated through exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is a ~~safe and~~ controlled way for subjects to learn how to fight their fear gradually, until their anxiety is completely reduced. First the subject is told to imagine themselves naked next to a dead body. Then, they are shown a picture of a person having sex with a dead body. Then they are told to strip completely nude next to the picture. Next, they are shown an actual dead body. Finally, the subject is forced to have sex with the dead body.

Drugs can also be used to treat the patient, although they are more of a band-aid solution, since they treat the anxiety and not the source of anxiety itself. ^[3]

Hypnotherapy is also a possible solution, but this method has its own drawbacks, such as causing an individual to stop smoking and overeating, and generally stop being fun. Taken altogether, hypnotherapy probably isn't worth the risk for a condition as minor as necrophiliphobia, and should only be practiced as a last resort before suicide. Furthermore the method often doesn't work, as necrophiliphobics don't trust the hypnotherapist not to fuck them and die.

Complications

Occasionally, Necrophiliphobia can lead to other types of mental illness. These include further irrational fears, as well as obsessive compulsive disorders and other related illnesses. Here are some of the more noteworthy illnesses related to or caused by Necrophiliphobia:

Necropregnophiliphobia

Oh God! I created an abomination!

The irrational fear of getting a dead body pregnant. Dead bodies begin to bloat after death as the body digests itself and gives off methane gas. People often misinterpret this bloating as “knocking up” the bodies and fear creating a demonic, zombie baby love child. Necropregnophiliphobics often aren't scared of sex with dead bodies. They are only scared of the consequences.

Second-Hand Necrophiliphobia

For some patients, the fear of screwing a dead body becomes so strong, that they won’t even go to public places for fear of being around other people who “may have fucked a corpse,” This is called Second-Hand Necrophiliphobia, and is pervasive in groups such as politicians and altar boys.

Necrobestialphiliphobia

A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course. I am Mr. Deeeeaad!

The irrational fear of having sex with dead animals. This is most common in owners who like submissive animals, such as that lady who always puts sweaters on her Poodle, or in people who ride horses, but aren't very good at it.

Necronymphomaniophobia

The irrational fear of having sex with a dead body…and liking it.

Necrophiliphobiaphobia

The fear of getting necrophiliphobia. Although cases are rare, this is sometimes triggered by reading articles on necrophiliphobia. (If you suspect you have this, see someone immediately and tell them.)

Necrophiliphobiaphobiaphobia

The fear of getting necrophiliphobiaphobia. This might be triggered by reading the above. (If you suspect you have this, it's probably best that you keep it to yourself.)

Prognosis

For some people, the fear of accidentally screwing dead, rotten flesh lasts all their lives until they die (and sometimes after), but most patients are usually able to overcome their fear with the proper therapy. If you know somebody who is terrified of having sex with a corpse, just tell the person to give it a try just once. They may be pleasantly surprised.