Pringles
“Once you die, the fun won't stog!”
Pringles were once a tasty snack that many people enjoyed. They were just salty enough, but not too salty as to give that burning sensation on your tongue. Due to their taste, and the opium which was added, pringles were extremely addictive. They were manufactured by the communist regime known as Procter & Gamble, but later became pirated so much that the party gave up their IP and became capitalist. They are renowned for being one of the most popular laxatives on sale.
History[edit]
Creation[edit]
It is rumoured that Pringles may have been created in an American laboratory by an unknown Soviet spy working undercover: his original intention was to steal nuclear technology, but instead accidentally Developed Pringles. The popular slogan, "Once you pop you just can't stop," came into existence when he was sitting down in his chair with a tube of Pringles as his right elbow popped out of its socket. Nevertheless, he continued eating his new snack despite the fact he was in agonizing pain. When introduced to the Soviet and American markets, it instantly took off as one of the most delicious foods ever developed in a laboratory by a Soviet spy. To counter the pain, he added opium. At first the Americans were uneasy about a communist snack being sold in their country of freedom, but after popping and not stopping, decided it was ok as long as there was no communist propaganda on the container or product. The soviet spy died penniless, after he invested in George Foreman's grills. The term "popping and not stopping" actually has to do with his death. His death was a tragic and painful one where a truck, ironically carrying Pringles, 'popped' a tire and couldn't 'stop' in time to avoid hitting the spy as he was driving a crappy Japanese import car."RICER!!!"
Another government scam, known as wikipedia, reported the truth for a total of ten minutes about these malicious chips. Actual remains of Holocaust Jews are used in the creation of these. With the limited supply of these remains, and the millions of chips eaten per year, it is obvious that a synthetic substitute needed to be found soon.
Another, more popular theory is the idea that Julius Pringles invented them. (see main article for details)
The Great Pringle War[edit]
There once was a great civil war amongst the Pringle people. The Sour Cream and Onion tribes began to rise with a new political party known as Pring-Nazi's. These people slowly took over the land of Pringlania, using the persecution of the Cheddar people to propel there conquest. They slowly took over the entire continent, but the truly brutal fighting took place against the classic variety of Pringles. These Pringles destroyed the Pring-Nazi devil, and regained there place as a major world party. Weapons involved include: Condiment machine guns, mayo bombs, and first introduced the chips to biological warfare by using their addictiveness to control the enemy.
The Chiptopia-Crispania Conflict[edit]
Pringles once served as the basis of many wars, the most notorious being the conflict between Chiptopia and Crispania. Chiptopia believed that Pringles were chips, while Crispania argued that they were potato crisps. While the words, "Potato Crisps" was visible on Pringles' exterior, the common name was potato chip, and thus the conflict erupted. Many died, and brands eliminated, but eventually all parties died, leaving no one to produce Pringles, which led to their eventual extinction.
The Microsoft Era[edit]
Eventually there was a new brand of Pringles, a project taken up by a company that lives by eating the souls of little babies. That company's name is Microsoft. It decided to make Pringles into their own product segment. Anyone who who tried to make chips or crisps was immediately put out of business, or bought out. Then Apple came out with the "iChip" which immediately destroyed Microsoft's business. No one was sad when Bill Gates had to sell a few Ferrari's to pay Microsoft's massive debt. Bill did however, betray himself and released the code to HD-DVD- 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0.
The End of the iChip[edit]
For about a decade, iChips were the most popular chips on the face of the earth. The second most popular were the Soviet Lays. To increase their profit, the Soviet Union sent in a large group of Spetznaz to destroy the iChip making plants. They were situated along the toxic banks of the Danube River, which is oddly enough, behind the Iron Curtain. The defenders fought valiantly, but were eventually defeated when the soviets captured all of the respawn points. Thankfully, one soldier escaped with the secret formula for a new chip, the Pringles 4.0.
The Ruffles' Insurgency[edit]
The escaped soldier fled to Cananda, which was safer than the United States because of the growing threat of the Cold War. He restarted the Pringles brand, and brought it back to glory. The United States eventually overpowered the Soviet Union with their superior mind control, which crumbled the communist spirit. As a result, the company now known as Frito-Lay was born to raise and nurture the Lay's offspring. Under the new capitalist system, the Lay potato chip could not sustain itself, and diminished into obscurity. The alien civilization, The Dominick's Empire, took notice of the fall of Lay's chips, and decided that they would be prime subjects for testing. The Domickoids succeeded, and created a potato-based snack with the capability of stealing the throne from Pringles. The Ruffles potato chip was born. It was wavy, which allowed it to hold more salt, giving the chip that much extra flavor. This also allowed the salt to mix with the potato as it was being chewed, eliminating the notorious "salt-burn" present in Pringles and some bags of Lay's. With the help of the Dominickoids and their massive powers of super market selling, the Ruffles chip made its way into Pringles' territory: The fourth shelf in aisle ten. The Ruffles put forth a valient effort to defeat the Pringles, but Pringles' ridiculously strong brand loyalty protected them from the Ruffles front line. In the end, a treaty was signed, stating that both parties would no longer take military action against one another. The Lay's potato chips resurfaced, and also signed this treaty. All three now live peacefully in harmony, each serving those who desire their own particular style of potato chip or crisp. History shows that this peace should only last so long, and that eventually conflict will inevitably break out again.