001

001 on holiday.

001 is James Bond's pet guinea pig and stunt double. Although he's not seen very much in the films, he is very dangerous and very much prepared to die gloriously for his country.

Early Years

Born into a neglecting home, 001 was constantly in fear of being eaten. He vowed to himself that one day...one day he would be on the big screen and in action films, much like his hero Jesus. His talent was first noticed by a young, headstrong director, and after a few unsuccessful appearances in mediocre films, he was picked for the role of Neo in The Matrix. This deal however, fell through as he recently had broken up with his fiancé, a well known Swedish model (who will remain anonymous). The emotional strain was too great for the gallant guinea pig, and he turned to cocaine to ease his sorrow. The debts were building, and he finally sought help. After cleaning up his act, he returned to his acting career, starring in many Shakespearian plays including Othello, Romeo & Juliet, and his personal favourite: Oral sex 3: KISS THIS! He finally got his big break, starring as the calm, collected Andy Dufrense in The Shawshank Redemption. The offers for roles began rolling in.

First Appearance

Ian Fleming wrote a book all about 001, called Fur Ball. Over two thousand pages long, the book deals with 001's childhood, drinking binges and eventual entry into the secret service via an open window. 001 goes on to save the Free World from ruin by defeating Ernst Stavro Blofeld's plan to destroy Wales with a nuclear missile. Just as Blofeld is about to detonate the device, 001 runs around squeaking loudly and confusing the supervillain until he falls drunkenly off his platform and breaks his neck.

Friends and acquaintances of Fleming claim that he was very drunk when he wrote the book, but eventually he sobered up and threw it in the fire. From that point on, he decided that the guinea pig thing just wasn't working, and instead made his spy be a stiffupperlipped man from England.

The 00 Numbers

In Fleming's original vision, the 00 numbers marked an evolution in the nature of spying, from an earthworm (000) to a human (Sean Connery). In between there is:

002 A rocket powered vole.
003 A small Labrador puppy that worked mostly in Czechoslovakia.
004 A kick boxing kangaroo who did secret missions in Australia and Narnia.
005 An otherwise unremarkable Colobus monkey.
006 An orangutan, code named "Stumpy," who died when he fell off a bridge outside Minsk. The inspiration for this character is purportedly Sean Bean.

Each 00 number represents a license to do something nasty. In the case of 007, it's a license to kill. For 006 and 005, it's a license to hit something quite hard with a rubber hammer. 004, of course, has a license to kick box. 003 has a license to foul up carpets, while 002 and 001 have a license to nip — which basically means that they can bite someone's ankle. 000 has a license to burrow in earth, which suits him fine but is not very useful for getting rid of supervillains.

001 and Bond

001's principal role in the Bond stories is one of support. Whenever Bond is feeling depressed and wondering why he even became a spy at all, 001 appears on the sidelines doing a cheerleader dance and waving a pair of small flags. He usually squeaks out the same song, called "We love you James":

We love you James,

and we feel your pain,

But if you don't start blowing shit up ...

... and quickly ...

Then it's off to the funny farm for you again.

Sometimes he looks to the camera with one eye and intones those famous words "The name's Pig. Guinea ... Guinea Pig", but they always edit that bit out.

The Ladies

001 has naturally had his fair share of leading ladies. The great majority are attracted to him like magnets. They really enjoy tickling him under his chin and going "ooooohhhh but he's so cuuuuuuute!" — which is something that really annoys him. Only Eva Green has claimed that 001 attracts her on an intellectual level, namely, her own. Ms. Green has stated publicly that 001's observations on art and philosophy have kept her warm and confused on many a long winter's evening. 001 used to have Eva's portrait hung up in his cage until Daniel Craig ripped it to pieces in a jealous rage.

Notable Dialogue

001 pops up in Goldfinger.

Bond: Do you eckshpect me to talk?

Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!...

001: Squeeeeeeeeek squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Goldfinger: What was that?

Bond: Er, nothing. Nice laesher you have here. Lovely colour ...

Goldfinger: Well, um, yes, thank you. I designed it myself, you know. From gold, actually. As per usual.

001: Squeeeeeeeeek!

(at this point, the laser switches off and there is a soft thud as 001 falls from the mechanism)

Goldfinger: It's that damned guinea pig! Oddjob, come here!

Bond: Run 001, run!

(Oddjob appears and throws his bowler hat in the general direction of 001, but it misses and cuts a powerline, plunging half of Nevada into darkness. Oddjob looks to camera and shrugs)

Comedy trumpet: Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 001: You Idiot.

Retirement

In early 2006, 001 was retired prematurely due to Psycosis. Apparently 007 and Q got drunk one night, and without going into too much detail the incident involved a torch, a tube and a bottle of lubricant and ended up with 001 covered in a blanket of Arse gravy. No-one has seen 001 since and it is widely believed that his identity was changed. Although there are a number of people who believe that he still resides comfortably in 007's rectal cavity.

The Future

Up until now, 001's film career has always been overshadowed by 007's. 001 has had to make do with bit parts and seedy walk-ons. After pestering Cubby Broccoli for years, however, the studios have finally relented to 001's demands and allowed him to star in a film of his own.

Provisionally titled Road Safety is Important, the film is aimed at younger children, simple adults and morons. 001 plays a guinea pig who has to cross a busy six lane motorway. After looking left, then right, then left again, and making sure the road is clear, he runs across it and is greeted on the other side by an adoring female who gives him an ice cream as a reward for being so careful. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig barrels across the same road with his gun drawn and gets hit by a speeding concrete mixer. 001 turns to the camera, winks and says, "So kids, who'd you rather be now, huh?"

The film is slated for release in early 2008, despite protests by children's groups, Chester the Cat, the Norwegian Mafia, the Green Cross Man and almost everyone else.

There is reason to believe that he will be in the next James Bond film, Bond 22: Electric Boogaloo.

Zoology