Salmon

Salmon
Salmon
	A group of salmon swimming upstream in a river. How majestic.
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Actinopterygii
Order	Salmoniformes
Family	Salmonidae
Genus	Salmo
Species	Colora

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SALMON. Fucking salmon. So, what. LIKE WE DON'T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW WHAT A DAMN SALMON IS. And WHAT THE FUCK? Why do they have to give salmon really fucking weird scientific names like "Onchorhynchus tschawytscha" and shit? I mean, I don't even think I fucking SPELLED that right. Like, come on, dudes? What the actual hell?

Characteristics[edit | edit source]

Salmon is a funny-looking fish that looks funny. Most of the time, they're either gray or brownish orange; however, most people don't identify salmon by their outside color, but rather, by their inside color.

Most fishes have a white fleshy thingy inside when you kill them and open them to eat them. However, it seems that salmons wanted to feel special, because their flesh isn't any kind of white; rather, it's a weird pinkey orange-ish tone. It's almost as if they had an "eat me" sign hanging in the inside of their skins (is that even possible?), so that the predators around them can easily kill them -basically THE POLAR OPPOSITE of what natural selection is all about.

Life cycle[edit | edit source]

Ok, so they'll let salmon squirt their stuff all over kids, and they'll even show it on TV. But when I get to do the same, I get sent to fucking JAIL. Seriously? WHY DO FISH GET ALL THE FUN?

They start at the top of their streams as little bitty babies. A WHOLE BUNCH of little bitty babies. Like, a MILLION fucking eggs together. Like, those rivers can't support all those babies. So what are those little fries supposed to do? (That's what baby fish are called, apparently!) EAT EACH OTHER??!! EAT EACH OTHER. THAT'S ALL THEY CAN FUCKING DO. EAT EACH OTHER. Can they even EAT EACH OTHER? Oh yeah. There's those yolk sacs. But, damn, nature, WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO FUCKING CRUEL?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!!

So they go through a weird-ass transformation when they go upstream to fuck each other^[1], grow curly lips and shit. Like, that's gotta be painful as fucking HELL! Like, who the heck DESIGNED these fucking fishes? Why you gotta be so fucking cruel? Like, COME ON!!

Why the fuck do they die after they lay their eggs? I mean, they sure do want something to fuck, as you can tell from the picture, but they only are able to do it once? What the fuck, God, what were you even thinking?

As food[edit | edit source]

So, SALMON. You can grill 'em, smoke 'em, eat 'em raw, smoke 'em, make salmon patties, smoke 'em, eat 'em in sushi, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, and... er... that's about it. But DAMN, salmon is good. I mean, calling the little baby salmon "fish fries" is already making me hungry as hell!

Hold on, there's this guy bugging me in the talk section that the plural of "fish fry" is "fish fry," not "fish fries." OK, Mr. Grammar Guy, just let me write this fucking Article, OK? God...

Fuck, this article really is making me hungry. Well, maybe eating will calm me down... Time to stuff my face!

*drives over to some random food market*

Holy cow, they're out of season! GOD, this shit is expensive, WHAT THE FUCK?!