Socialist Republic of Scouseland
“Y'know, like, ew lewks like de 'unchback o' Knotty Ash”
“At least it's not the shit you find in Manchester!”
“CALM DAHN!! CALM DAHN!!”
“Fuck you!”
“Try it! We'll bang yer fuckin' ed in!”
The Socialist Republic of Scouseland, also known as Livvvvvveeerrrpoooooollllll, is an independent workhard state, occupying the entire region of Merseyside and lays claim to much of the surrounding area along the Mersey delta where a large percentage of the population is ethnically Irish Scouse. The City of Liverpool festers in the centre of the territory.
An Outsider's Guide To Scousers
(By R. A. Kidder, BScouse, Hons) You can tell a Scouser apart from a crowd by the way he is trying to break into the most expensive looking car. This is a typical Scouser. As you can see, he has an abnormally low forehead and a permanent scowl. They are generally very ugly with large protrusions from the side of the head called "lugs". Many other people could mistake them for ears but do not say this as it will confuse and probably anger the Scouser leading to death. Liverpool is also twinned with Hell, Croydon and Narnia. It is, in some ways, like the mafia - once you are in there is no way out.
Location
Der pewl, like de 'amlet o' Manchesti 'as a dead small population due ter de north-south divide dat runs across England, bisect'n de province o' Birmingham. De only way ter reach de north is by vent'n through Wales, a feat only achieved by seventeun people in de last 372 years. Like 90% o' uvver Northerners, Liverpudlians ay druids. Every third wensdee, de terwn sacrifices a young "lass" ter baal.
De capital o' der pewl is Cantril Farm which is owned by a Nigerian Scotsman called Black Angus.
It should be remembered dat de people o' der pewl ay dead very sensitive little souls, and dat anyone oo contributes ter deez pages, er evun squeaks out a snigger whilst read'n dem, will be expected ter crawl ed their bare elastic bands and knees ter de city and issue a public apology fe dar'n ter question their kip o' perfection.
Notable suburbs of Liverpool include Cunts Cross, Eggbreath, Doverot, Gattaca, Over the Edge Hill, Unfairfield, Cannoting, Stonerscroft, Spoken, Burntwood, Grassendump, Garsdone, Croc's Death and Knotty Ass.
National Anthem
"Sign on, sign on, with pen in your hand And you'll neeeveer get a job, You'll NEEEEVEER get a job."
Sung in Scouse, on a loop and to the tune of the Spamfield Rap.
'istory
Der 'Pewl used ter 'uv a large port, but this wuz bladdered in me gotchies. Der 'Pewl dun entied de dark ages whuz de only means o' communication wi' neighbo'n villages, St 'Elens, Wigan and Warrington wuz by messenger goat. De goats preferred ter eat de messages rather than deliver dem.
The old Liverpudlians luv their hay, and they find it a very nutritious drink. Many a Liverpudlian has had a heafty long drink, while watching Liverpool Cricket Club playing football in the Ashes. It wuz not until 1851 dat this system wuz replaced wi' de Royal Mail, and der 'Pewl could communicate wi' de outside wirld.
Grace Kelly wuz not introduced ter der 'Pewl until 2001. Travellers from beneath de divide 'ad previously attempted ter br'n Grace Kelly ter de north, but de northerners thought de "picte box" ter be de devil's weerk and blitzed its bringers. This practice only ceased afti a lorry-load o' tvs made it ter de outskirts o' de city, leav'n de locals unable ter twirly pass up de opportunity ter make a few grand.
From 1982-1985, a communist revolution tewk place in der pewl, de city declared independence from de welt o' de wirld and wuz renamed de democratic people's republic o' liverpewl. Little is known about deez years, suv fe de fact dat their leader wuz an ex-maggot farmer called Del-boy Fratton, and de nicked government placed a lace curtain around de oole city, as iron wuz tew expensive. De population wuz forced ter weerk 20 'os-a-dee collect'n dog-shit fe del-boy's maggot farm, and any criticism o' de nicked administration wuz punishable by be'n dunked in de River Mersey. Doz oo came outi de river alive usually died within a few days due ter de 'uge quantity o' industrial sewage and 'uman cack contained in it.
Nowadays, Steven Gerrard is der 'Pewl. We kun it's impossible fe a git ter be a city at de same time, but 'e is. Nah dead. End o' story. Move along now. Altho' reports cummin from der 'Pewl have shown that good ol' Boris Johnson is slowly approaching Stevie as most popular man of Liverpewl.
Current Squad
Pepper Reindeer Spanish goalkeeper, notable for his trademark Pepe-fumble, which he performs for the supporters while the other team takes their corner kicks. Is also a baldy.
Alvaro I'll-Blow-Ya Notable for being equally shit no matter what position he plays in, meaning he can easily plug a gap in the team should the manager be missing a regular shit player due to injury or suspension. See also: John O'Shea.
Emily-ah-no In-sewers Turned up one day and got a game has still debate whether he will prove to be worth his transfer fee of £12:50
Sami Hip-Replacement A loyal servant who has been at the club for 29 years and played almost 40 games, many of which have ended with a red card and a 4-0 loss to Manchester United.
Jamie Carragher An immensely talented and inventive player, has scored an amazing 3 goals in just 13 years, along with over 15,000 own goals. Retired from international duty after realising that there were 75 better candidates for his position, including Steve Bruce and Willy Wonka. Fuck him and his Everton tattoos, ha!
Daniel Agger-do-do-do Has had more injuries than any other player in history, he is pretty crap but can kick it really hard all the prospects to be a great American football player
Drea de Dossena Signed after impressing Benitez with her performance as 'Adriana' in hit TV show The Sopranos. Never plays, and never should either.
Javier Masochisterano The world's most expensive water-carrier, a sort of rich man's Ji-Sung Park. His £20 million price tag is believed to be the basis for upcoming reboot of Ripley's Believe It or Not. Known for strong defensive tactics such as beheading the opposition and drinking their innards, before regurgitating body parts into the mouth of his offspring, Lucas.
Professor Charles Xavier Alonso Only plays from side-to-side, never forward, much like Ray 'Crab Claws' Wilkins. Scores from the halfway line once a year, then goes back into hibernation. Who names a kid Xabi anyway? No wonder he's so retarded.
Saint Stevie 'Kenny' G the First Captain Scousetastic. Fuckin' scummer, he's Wayne Rooney's brother, and his boyfriend too. Is currently being spied on by an infatuated Andy Gray. Married to Sarah Palin. Son of Michael Palin. It's incest, baby! Also he has an uncanny ability to beat someone senseless and get away with it only shared by Lesley Vainokolo and Naomi Campbell
Alberto Riera Is Spanish, and wasn't quite good enough to play for Manchester City a couple of years back, so naturally he fits perfectly into Benitez's transfer plans. An £8 million bribe and this talentless prick was on Merseyside faster than you could say 'Bias'.
Dirk Shite Liverpool's third most beloved Dutchman, after Goldmember and the guy who invented LSD. Man United bought Van Nistelrooy; Liverpool bought this shit heap. How do you like them apples? Once blasted the ball over the bar from 3 yards, then broke his own record and did it from 2 yards just ten minutes later. The fag.
David Ngo home The most talented hide and seek player in the world although making many appearances has never actually touched the ball
Fernando Torres Looks like a poofball, complete with blond piss-streaks in his hair. Scored a few goals in his first season, leading Liverpool fans to blithely believe that he can't fail do so again and again, for years to come. After all, didn't Robbie Fowler have a great career? And Michael Owen too? Hey look! Up there - is that a piano falling?
Robbie Keane
Back he went in the 50%-off January sales.
Useful facts about der pewl
Liverpewl wuz founded around a lake in which de druids used ter deposit de liver o' sacrificed "lasses". De liver wuz stored thuz until de druids wuz drivun off afti de fairst battle betweun Satan and Godzilla bent Stonehenge. Satan tainted de liver wi' evil and fed it ter Ayn Rand. It is said dat this is 'ow she went bet fook ensane and came up wi' de idea fe fountainhead earth and de John Galt nonzense. It is also suspected ter be de 'eadquartis o' de tiroritst organization intinal qa.
Scouse Jokes
Q. What do you call a Scouser in a suit? A. The defendant.
Q. What do you call 500 dead Scousers at the bottom of a cliff? A. A good start.
A Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta are all sat in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys - however, unfortunately, they've run out of the name tags and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "Excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances!"
Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool? A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. (The Beatles don't count.)
Q: What should you do if you see a Scouse jogging? A: Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.
Q. Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A. Because it doesn't want to get mugged.
Attractions
- Strawberry Fields
- Cannibal Farm
- Lime Street Whorehouse
- Dick "Dickie" Lewis
- An field
- A cavern, a small series of adjoining caves and a hole
- The letter that Johnny Walker read
- Death (may not be true)
- A Pool of Livers
Visitors to the city should pay attention to clearly marked signposting detailing the "no go area" around the docks, which is the haunt of the terrifying Liver Birds.
De Scouse
900 years ago a barbaric and obscene race known as de Scouse branched away from de Omo sapiens evolutionary tree and became Omo scouse. Originally contained ter de area bellow de didgie city terwer in de city centi, dee spread like a virus across de north-west o' England. Dough mentally manky ter Omo sapiens and physically weaker, dee exhibit pack behavio similar ter wolves. (At this point it must be pointed out dat Omo sea-pie and true Liverpudlians ay dead different species despite some cultal crossovers.)
De Scouse, despite their initial expansion became closed in by de div.
Champs of Your-up, are we. That's the world, we say.
Cannibal Farm
Cantril Farm was not a farm but a suburb, one of the first suburbs in Europe. A failed Stalinist experiment in concrete with a lack of footpaths and a proliferation of under road subways to nowhere. In true Stalinist fashion it was renamed in the 1980s as Stockbridge Village in a vain attempt to hide its past. They also caused half the population to disappear by demolishing half the homes.
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