Uzbekistan
History[edit | edit source]
Pre-Cowmunism[edit | edit source]
The Ubekis, according to experts from uncyclopedia, are not humans but donkeys from a galaxy far, far away. They were exiled to the Earth by the order of God for chewing all grasslands in the Garden of Eden. However, after settling on this shitty planet the Ubekis forgot their sins (because they are mostly brainsucked donkeys with dickface) and continued chewing grasses to make Sahara, Taklamakan and Gobi deserts, directly led humans drive them to a dark, cold place now called Mongolia.
The Ubekis bred with Chinese women over the next hundreds of years and became a fairly large donkey tribe, even though they were not united as a country until late 12th century. However, in 1178 an Orc, Temujin, married an Ubeki jenny, Borte, therefore united the Orcs and the donkeys. Then Ubekis, being assfucked ridden by the Orcs, wandered and conquered wherever they reached, chewing every grassland they encountered, making Euroasia worse than Hell. Later they established a shithole named Golden Hole Horde to excrete the remains of grasses they chewed, exactly in Russia of 13th century.
But in the next century the Ubekis were almost eliminated from this planet by Timur Handicapp, a bloody Russian of Uyghur ancestry, who is a descendant of Temujin’s beautiful daughter, Princess Leyla. Timur used his invincible Jedi army to sweep across the fucking land of donkeys, slaughtered Ubekis by throwing them on the blade of lightswords. The Ubekis, under such horror, began to call him respectfully “Timur the Lame Great”, and it is believed when the corpse of Timur is removed he will resurrect from his tomb and send all donkeys to Auschwitz with his power.
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In 1500, under the rule of a royal donkey, Darth Mohammed Shaybani (it is unconfirmed that he was a descendant of Temujin for his queen Borte had been fucked by some Merkit donkeys before wedding), the Ubekis alive broke into Calradia, chewed all the grasses, kicked the ass of Persian peasants, and raped every Turkish girl they could find in Calradia. After such grand immigration, to human’s astonishment, the Ubekis didn’t accustom to rice and kebab, thus they chose to dissipate in uninhabited mountains, valleys, and deserts they created, while their jennies stayed in downtown serving for Persians and Turkish with their pussies. This situation lasted till the arrival of White Russians and Red Russians in 1920.
Cowmunisation[edit | edit source]
Darth Stalin, an environmentalist and follower of donkey protectionism, defeated both Persian and Turkish, forcing them to move to highlands and deserts once donkeys lived which is now reffered to jackass from Wikipedia as Tajikistan and Afghanistan, then built a pasture between Samarkand and Tashkent and renamed it The Autonomous Cottage of UbekiDonkeys, to show equality and interracial unity between humans and donkeys under the love of Mother Russia.
In 1990 Ubeki donkeys thought they finished their evolution to human race and renamed their cottage Uzbekistan (meaning: Stan of Ubeki “people”). Later their cottage was bombed by Kazaki Catapults.
Terrorization[edit | edit source]
On 11 September 2001 inspired by some stupid teenagers who accidentally crashed on World Trade Center, a group of jackass formed Ubeki Sithism Committee to introduce the sport of high-altitude collision. The committee respected Osama Bin Laden, the pioneer of explosive sport, as some kind of GOD Amerikanistani idol, and offered him unqualified bodyguards.
Politics[edit | edit source]
Presidency[edit | edit source]
The Autonomous Cottage of UbekiDonkeys is now owned by a tyrant tycoon, a bastard of a Tajik shepherdess raped by an Ubeki jackass on a high mountain, whose name is unknown to humans but he insist on calling himself “His Mulejesty, The Jackass Khan, Jizzlam Karimov”, who mostly make appearance with his pretend Mongol grandad 'greasy hair'.
High-Standard Humanization[edit | edit source]
Uzbekistan's political climate is widely seen as the guiding light to the rest of the world, and anyone who says otherwise will be tortured. The country's constitution states that homosexuals, Russians, men, women, children, and other minority groups except Donkeys all have an equal right to be tortured. The judicial system operates a "harsh-but-fair" policy, provided you consider torture "fair". Uzbek politicians enjoy free speech, provided they don't disagree with the president, in which case they are tortured. Uzbekistan is one of the main upholders of human rights in the world, and if you should adopt an opposing you viewpoint, you might have a claim to torture.
Fucking-GOOD Diplomacy[edit | edit source]
Uzbekistan enjoys good diplomatic relations with Wal-Mart and Amerikanistan. Ubekis despise Persia, Turkish Horde, and Motherland, though it is widely believed that these three can never live up to the high standards of homo-free-fuck, drugabusing and corruption enjoyed by all Ubeki donkeys, or else.
Friends[edit | edit source]
Enemies[edit | edit source]
- Jedis: The donkeys have been defected by Sithism and NazionalSozialismus in 1921 and soon converted into dangerous sex-thirsty bloodsuckerdonkeys. But a Jedi, Magaz Masanchi (not to be confused with Iranian footballer Mehrzad Madanchi), summoned a Jedi regiment, destroying every Ubeki donkey they saw, almost made Ubekis share the same fate with their distant relatives, dinosaurs.
- Its Neighbours
- Persia
- Mother of all Underground Soviet Shithole Republics
And the rest of the world...
Religion[edit | edit source]
Osama Bin Laden[edit | edit source]
The Ubekis love sports, especially explosive sport, that’s why they are fond of Osama Bin Laden. Don’t ever doubt it.
Darth Temujin and His Son Darth Jochi[edit | edit source]
Egoistic Koreans insist Darth Jochi was a Korean who reached excellency in Tae Pwn Do. He turned to Dark Side of The Force after the death of his mother, Park-Me Ami-Dala.
Jizzlam[edit | edit source]
The jennies like it.You can see lovely Ubeki jennies all over Middle Earth, from Istanbul to Seoul, just $100 they will surely let your dick deep inside their pussies and take you to happy-land!!!
Jedism[edit | edit source]
Give me a reason why should donkeys worship The Force without jenny pussies.
Language and Culture[edit | edit source]
The Ubekis, till the rule of Darth Stalin, don’t have any language or culture except boring donkey cry “meh…meh…” or “neigh…neigh…”. In 20th century they reluctantly began to pronounce and write something like humans (but humans don't understand what they are talking about), but still proved themselves to be Jackass, thus they steal alphabet from Their Mother, dressings and cuisine from Persians, and dead celebrities from Uyghurs (after all the Dead cannot speak for themselves). To make this obvious theft legal, Jizzlam Karimov invited seduced Tajik and Uyghur men to fuck Ubeki jennies to create donkey-human hybrid, a kind of monster with human voice and thought and with donkeyface. But what kind of freak or moron will ride a female animal carrying AEDS? Well, maybe this guy on the right.
Geography[edit | edit source]
According to investigation report of Uncyclopedia Maps, Uzbekistan has no territories on surface except Isengrad (or do as humans do, call it Tashkentistan), all lands it claims for belong to Northern tribesmen, Dwarfs, Uyghurs, and Persians.
West Tajikistan Republic of Great PERSIA[edit | edit source]
An independent sovereign Persian country, being admitted by Iranians and Jedis (but not officially for the authorities are half-brained). Turkish who have profound love for jenny pussies refuse to admit its existence. Its main cities are:
Samarkand (Minas Tirith), the City of Shahs[edit | edit source]
Samarkand in Farsi (Persian language) means “The City of Shahs from Jamshid and Fereydun to Mohammed Pahlavi”. Nobody knows since when it was established because it was built before Noah’s Flood and is the only place hadn’t been submerged. About 1992 AD some jackass invaded this holy city and left donkeyshit on its streets, making it very stinky. Samarkand is the capital of West Tajikistan Republic.
Bukhara (Annuminas)[edit | edit source]
Was a beautiful city of literary and arts once, I mean, before Darth Temujin brought his Orcs and donkeys into Persia. It is said to be the capital of Samaritans and an also-missing ethnic group, the Dunedans. It is also hometown of a great post-Muhammad Jedi master, Ibn Sina (Avicenna).
AndijanThe East Gobblestan Republic of Edorastan[edit | edit source]
Though officially owned by Ubekis, however the Ubekis cannot accustom to kebab (which makes disgusting flavour hard for donkeys), they choose to live in dustbins and landfills, unofficially make Andijan an independent state. Edorastan is the only place Uyghurs can beat the shit out of donkeys legally (Persians can beat Mongol donkeys everywhere on Earth, doesn’t matter).
Isengrad[edit | edit source]
Isengrad, or Tashkentistan, is a city built by a Persian, Ali Alibaba, about 3.1415926 BC ago with his big penis of 0.618 kilometres long, but remained unfinished because somebody cut Alibaba’s penis off to make him an eunuch. About 1000 AD, Uyghurs came over and finished this place with their penises (Jaxartes River was formed by their pisses), then built a tomb for Alibaba to worship his penis. However, the Mongols thought donkey’s penis is bigger and longer than Alibaba’s so they destroyed the tomb with Alibaba’s penis. After Darth Muhammad Shaybani conquered Tashkent, he rebuilt the penis temple, and worship Genghis Khan’s penis instead. Penis worship lasted till the time of Darth Stalin, who was jealous to men with penis because he didn’t have one. After banning this nonsense, Stalin renamed the city as Isengrad and cowmunized it into one of the most horrible places in the world.
Underground[edit | edit source]
80% of Uzbekistan’s underground are used for raising baby donkeys. The rest, according to Karimov, will be drained to desert to produce oil and jenny prostitutes to China.[1]
Current Events[edit | edit source]
The Currency Crisis(On-going)[edit | edit source]
The Currency Crisis has been a slowly ongoing and growing problem. Since the Ubekis are not humans they don’t have the right to use rubles as Tajiks and Kyrgyzs and Kazakhs do, so they decided to use a new kind of currency: Kebab. However, Tajiks and Uyghurs in downtown cannot handle the growing demand of exchange markets, therefore Jizzlam Karimov Khan decide to import Wal-Mart and KFC as basement to produce western-style kebab. A few month later some dumbass donkey economists find out the kebabs from Wal-Mart and KFC contains a prohibited medicine to-make-donkeys-more-dumb. Jizzlam Karimov ask help from Vladimir VII, but this time even Allah cannot help his “country” from the fate to become the biggest customer of Amerikanistan and China in kebab consuming.
Conflict With Neighbours (Rapidly Growing)[edit | edit source]
In 1992, Jizzlam Karimov decided to declare independence from USSR, ignoring the fact of the existence of bloody Russians. Tensions between Russia and The Autonomous Cottage of UbekiDonkeys rose due to a dispute involving donkey’s rights under the protection of Russian PEOPLE. In the end Vladimir VII decided to throw a nuclear bomb, punched a hole in Karakum Desert straight to Hell (Hell’s Gate), making donkeys live in great fear because they are afraid of being sent to there for commit so much crimes to humans in the past. Finally a treaty between Russia and Donkeystan was made in order to balance the power between humans and donkeys, it also identified Ubekis as a sort of “half-human, half donkey”. But soon after the treatment was made a chimpanzee who thinks himself as the Messiah of human race named George W. Bush promised he will admit Ubekis the right to become humans, eventually persuaded Ubekis to make alliance with him.
Declaration Of War (Spreading)[edit | edit source]
It is confirmed Ubekis wage war towards Persians and Turkish since 2,000 years ago, which last till now. A version of recent campaign occurred in 1992 after Karimov, the founder of Donkeystan, used his blood-thirsty-donkey troops to invade Samarkand and Bukhara. Iran, under the leadership of their best friend, Iamscum Rudeasshole Khomeini, the first Darth of Iran, didn’t offer any help. Not until a month later had Karimov declared another war against the Dwarfs. After his badass victory, Karimov command the donkeylization of humans in his new-conquered territory. In August 2008, Ubekistan declared war on the Russian Federation in their largest city, Isengrad, while Georgia waged war with Russia in North Caucasus at the same time in honor of another dumbass Myhell Saakashvili, then both got fucked by Russians on 2008 World Olympics of Fuck.
The HELLization of OSH (Unsolved Business of International Umbrella Company)[edit | edit source]
On June 10, 2010, the Kyrgyzs discovered Ubekis are not only jackass and jennies but also gangsters, street thieves, drugdealers, and fanatics of explosive sport. To escape from trial, the Ubekis in OshMoria decided to make deal with Nogoal-Back Bakiyev, a forcibly retired evil Khan. They stated that Ubeki explosive sport fans would take over Moria and initiate a Sithismic state in exchange for Bakiyev family returned to controlling Rivendall, instantly set up the fire of hate towards donkeys. Meanwhile Jizzlam Karimov, seduced by his homo fuckbuddy Sauron of Wal-Mart, divorced with his concubine Rebiya Kadeer and converted to Dark Side of The Force, (In some romantic history versions, Rebiya Kadeer, who wanted to win back her lover, choosed to go to Amerikanistan for asking help.) then summoned Balrog, a new type of no-range missile, to bomb half of Moria, baking half of Kyrgyzs to human flesh kebab. It is estimated Bakiyev was killed by Ubeki donkeys in Moria.[2]
SEX-HUNGER (What the...Are you serious?)[edit | edit source]
Because Ubeki jennies seek out to sell theselves, Ubeki jackasses, under sex-starvation, masturbate theselves by watching hot models on TV, magazine, or hot Persian and Turkish big-boobs (average over D-Cup) chicks on the streets.[3]
Relations between Uzbeks and Uyghurs[edit | edit source]
Uzbeks are long-time puppets of Uyghurs. Since the mythical age had the Ubekis raised sheeps and cattles for Uighurs, the Uzbeks also had to send their hottest women to East Turkistan as sex-slaves. Though in Mongol Invasion they tried to gain their independence for a hundred years, but were soon asskicked by Timur, the greatest Uyghur emperor ever. The Uyghurs forced them to learn the language of Uyghurs to Uyghurize them, but since they are people with bones in their head, they retreated back to Stone Age after the diminishment of Cowmunism.[4]
Famous Creatures from Uzbekistan[edit | edit source]
Prince of Persia,a hero of Persia who happened to be not a Jackass
Darth Temujin, using cool mask to cover his
dickfacedonkeyface
Muhammad Shaybani, the 1st Darth of Ubeki donkeys
Ubermensch, the Prophet of Donkeys
Little Minnie, a voice from Uzbekistan who happened to be not a jenny but national singer.
Darth Jochi, son of Temujin and Queen Borte, always with mask on his face, has been written in George Lucas' Saga Star Wars as Lucas Skywalker.
See also[edit | edit source]
Some extra things about Uzbekistan[edit | edit source]
- ↑ As 90% of the on-surface territories the Ubekis claimed and got are illegal, the rumors about China's colonization in Central Asian underground are true.
- ↑ Some people said he was taken to Hell by God himself, God knows.
- ↑ In fact no Tajik or Uyghur girl will fuck with Ubekis except they are raped by Ubekis because
they don’t want to commit beastialitytheir pussies are too tight for big donkey penis. - ↑ They are slaves of Uyghurs till today.
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