Periodic table

A picture of IKEA's periodic table. It is currently the only piece of IKEA furniture that contains traces of all 118 elements.

The Periodic Table of Elements (also called the "Sometimes Table" or "Occasional Table") can refer to any piece of furniture containing all 118 elements as long as it is periodically a table. Since 118 is such a large number, many scientists and other individuals pride themselves in memorizing every element in a periodic table, though few people find this impressive at all.

History[edit | edit source]

The original periodic table was devised by the Russian grandfather of Davy Jones of The Monkees, a refugee from Tsarist persecution, in 1917. It had eleven elements, including wood, fire, tea, and permafrost (Pf). The last is the only one that remains a member.

The periodic table assumed its present form in October 2016, when the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) approved the names of three new elements, disbarred four others that had been masquerading as legitimate elements, adjudicated on rival claims for the symbol Bi, and readmitted scandium, which had been suspended after a valency-fixing scandal in 1992. This necessitated moving around the atomic numbers of several more elements to make them fit a basically rectangular table, and (with some reluctance) dropping Group XXIII and Period Wendy in their entirety. The elements there were redistributed as equitably as possible, with iron finally moving back to its traditional atomic number of 26, after several decades at 22, six months at 27, and a stint during the last war as both 52 and 54. The ragged, gap-toothed appearance of the 1970s-style table was thereby removed, to the relief of most chemistry teachers, who had been increasingly embarrassed at why there were no elements 40, 44, or 55, and a surely excessive eleven with atomic number 19, distributed all across the periodic table.

Apart from the renaming of terbium as laurenbacallium despite there being already two elements with that name, probably the most controversial of the changes was the relegation of bikinium, biscottium, and bistortium to 'deprecated' status, in favour of one that most chemists admitted never having heard of, bismuth. Rumours abounded that it was made up by the judges at the last moment to avoid having to rule on the claims of the more genuine elements. The Bikinium Defence League (BDL) has taken the IUPAC to the International Criminal Court in The Hague.

The elements is rearranged into alphabetical order in 2020 to make memorization so much easier.

go to hell

Memorizing the periodic table[edit | edit source]

Method 1[edit | edit source]

Although this is an effective way of memorizing the periodic table, it is not recommended.

One method of memorizing the periodic table involves first taking all the elements' atomic symbols and arranging them in order based on atomic number. Next, simply create a mnemonic with each word containing an atomic symbol (For example, hydrogen's atomic symbol is H, so the first word in the mnemonic could be Harold). A classic example of this method containing all 118 elements is provided below:

Harry,
He
Likes
Beryllium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen, Fluorine, Neon, Sodium (you need a knack to remember this), Magnesium, Aluminum, Silly silicon, Phosphorus, Sulfur, Chlorine, Argon, Potassium (no knack needed here), Calcium, Scandium, Titanium, Vanadium, Chromium, Manganese, Iron (Fucking heck), Cobalt, Nickel, Copper (sounds like Cupper), Zinc, Gallium, Germanium, Arsenic, Selenium, Bromine, Krypton, Rubidium, Strontium, Yttrium, Zirconium, Niobium, Molybdenum (not pronounced mole-lee-buh-den-uhm, apparently), Technetium, Ruthenium, Rhodium, Palladium, Aggressive Silver, Cadmium, Indium, Snacks in a Tin can, Submarines full of Antimony, Tellurium, Iodine, Xenon, Cesium, Barium, Lanthanum, Cerium, Praseodymium, Neodymium, Promethium, Samarium, Europium, Gadolinium, Terbium, Dysprosium, Holmium, Erbium, Thulium, Ytterbium, Lutetium, Hafnium, Tantalum, Tungsten (What the fuck), Rhenium, Osmium, Iridium, Platinum, Gold (Au!), Hugging Mercury, Thallium, Plumber's Lead, Bismuth, Polonium, Astatine, Radon-infused delicious and "edible" sweets, Francium, Radium, Actinium, Thorium, Protactinium, Uranium, Neptunium, Plutonium, Americium, Curium, Berkelium, Californium, Einsteinium, Fermium, Mendelevium, Nobelium, Lawrencium, Rutherfordium, Dubnium, Seaborgium, Bohrium, Hassium, Meitnerium, Darmstadtium, Roentgenium, Copernicium, 日本イヤム (one hundred thirteenth element), Flerovium, Москваium, Livermorium, Tennessine, and Oganesson.

Recite this phrase a few times, and you'll find yourself learning the periodic table in no time!

Method 2[edit | edit source]

Songs. They're how we learn our ABCs (the alphabet song), our Do, Re, Mi's (Do, a deer), and the various mechanical parts included in modern buses and the unique onomatopoeic sounds produced by them (The Wheels on the Bus). Thus, Tom Leher decided to create a song about the elements to help people remember the periodic table. Just click on the video below and start singing along. The song's slow pace and easy to remember lyrics will have you spitting out the elements in no time.

ytterbium[edit | edit source]

Ytterbium, was named after a scientist yeeted a strange substance in a vile, it hit the floor and broke of course.

A buttplug filled with Ytterbium. Why? I don't know!

oganesson[edit | edit source]

Without oganesson, there would be no 118 elements. Ununoctium is oganesson and denial of this fact can be sentenced with up to 3 seconds of tickling.

See also[edit | edit source]

• Idiotic Table of the Elements
• Canadian Periodic Table of the Elements